How a Southern Girl Gets Paganized

It may come as a surprise to many to find that I consider myself a pagan. As I define paganism, I simply do not have a particular religion. I do have my beliefs. However, I do not follow a certain set of them such as Christianity, Judaism, or any of the various others that are currently popular.

I was born, raised and have lived my entire life in the Bible Belt. I was raised in a Christian home, and I attended church and Sunday school. The denomination is not important, as I believe they all mean well. I bear them no ill will. However, I always questioned things. For my questions, I was made to feel guilty or blasphemous, not by the people who loved me and were trying to teach me, but by the religion, itself.

When a person would die, it made no sense to me that it was "the will of God" or that "it was their time." It made far more sense to me that it was simply something that happens. As Forrest Gump's mother says, "Death is a part of life." That is nature. Besides, losing a loved one, especially if it did not seem to be fair or natural, such as an accident or an illness that took somebody at a young age, brought such feelings of anger and resentment to me. Again, there was guilt for being angry with or resentful of God.

While it seems irrelevant, it also seemed to me that saying dirty words was more socially inappropriate than sinful.Seriously! Does any person really believe that God cares when we use a dirty word or even say something blasphemous? I feel that there are far worse crimes than that to be worrying about. Speaking of sins and crimes: there are some for which I just do not see forgiveness as an option. It's probably a good thing that I am not God. Murderers, rapists, pedophiles, abusers? If they get forgiven and get to go to Heaven, then I'm not sure that's a place where I would like to reside. I'm sorry, but I do not feel that it is my responsibility to forgive them.

Of course, then we have such petty issues as how to dress, especially for church. While I was attending a church, I did not find my comfort in the services or the fellowship. I found my purpose and meaning in singing for the services. With a natural ability, I was able to bring joy and comfort to people who were in pain and/or confusion or who just wanted to feel peace with my voice.

What ended that happiness for me was when the pastor's wife and the youth pastor's wife had a little meeting with me about the way I dressed. I have to say, I was not wearing anything that showed any inappropriate body parts. My mother did not raise me to wear such things to a church. Even now, I would not do such a thing out of respect for the beliefs of the people who attend them. Also, while I may be guilty of having a potty mouth, I also do not believe in using foul language in a place that others consider holy. I feel the same way about smoking.

During this meeting, I was told that my clothing was inappropriate, since I wore blouses and dresses that did not have sleeves. I am not talking spaghetti straps, either: simply sleeveless. I would also like to point out that it was the middle of summer. I was driving for an hour in a car that had no air conditioning to get to services, too. Anyway, I was accused of wearing a dress that had shown my rear end while kneeling at the pew. I was accused of swearing on the church grounds around the children (who had done the accusing, which was not true), and I was accused of smoking on the church grounds (also not true).

I cannot begin to describe how hurt I was. I had started attending the church at my husband's urging as we were trying to save our marriage (we are since divorced, but that has nothing to do with this). For the first time in our marriage, I saw him angry on my behalf. He was not the most supportive husband, but seeing how they had hurt me and made me cry, he was incensed. He never went back. My husband had thought he had found a church that was above such petty things and was there to actually help people. That was the end of it for him. I continued attending. I changed my way of dressing. I did not stop attending until I got a job that required me to work during service hours.

This is only one example. I do not paint all churches with this brush. Also, that church did some good for others. Then again, I also can point out many other things that this church and its members did that alienated other members who now attend other churches. It did not change my beliefs, and it did not change theirs. However, it did end my search to find a church in which to explore my beliefs. I discovered that there simply was not one.

I would also like to point out that if anyone wants to ask why a person who lives in this part of the country chooses not to attend church, all they have to do is wait tables on Sunday afternoons. The most horrible treatment that I have ever received as a waitress was from the people who would come to eat lunch after church services. The same treatment is also doled out to people at fast food restaurants and various stores. I do not blame the churches. I do not blame the religion.

I blame the people who behave in such a manner, but it does not speak well for the churches when the most demanding, rude, hateful people on whom you have to wait are the ones who should be the happiest, most uplifted and generous. Oh, did I mention that they generally were the worst tippers, too? (In the area where I live, you make less than half of minimum wage, and are expected to make the rest in tips. I believe it is currently $2.62 per hour, plus tips.) That is not exactly a ringing endorsement to bring new parishioners into the sanctuaries!

I would like to point out that I do still have my beliefs. After I stopped attending church, I really began to explore what was in my heart and soul. I believe that there are forces in the world that are beyond the comprehension of human belief. However, I do not for a moment believe that I have the ability to interpret or predict them. Honestly, it seems to take a colossal arrogance, in my opinion, to presume that anyone does. I do not know who is correct. Honestly, I do not care, either.

There are things that are right, and there are things that are wrong. I think it is wrong to persecute anyone who does not share your beliefs. The most important things that I think anyone should have are love, tolerance and respect for those who are different. I have no problem with people who find comfort in the fellowship of people who share their beliefs. All I ask is that people to do not try to force their beliefs on me.

My personal beliefs include a god. It may not be the God of whom people read in the Bible. I personally do not believe that the Bible is the Holy word of God. To me, it is simply an extremely valuable religious text, albeit an incomplete text. The Bible is a book that was translated from one dead language into another until the most currently popular King James version. Having been to college and taken courses that use that form of English, I have been taught that there is so much room for error, even in that edition.

Also, one only has to watch the History Channel to be told that there are so many religious writings that are not available to the general public. The Catholic church has who knows how many religious texts in its library that have never been seen by the majority of its own members, let alone those who are of other denominations. Therefore, I cannot rely upon it as a perfectly accurate reason to believe in either the Old Testament or New Testament part of the Christian faith.

I also have to remind the reader that texts such as the Bible, the Torah and the Koran were written by men. According to the Christian faith, God is perfect and infallible. Humans are not. I will not even begin my rant about how the Bible seems to paint women as the reason for so many bad things that happen, from the very beginning of humankind. Sorry, but I find that quite offensive. However, did things happen exactly that way? I do not know. Could they have happened that way? Sure.

Could things have simply happened they way it seems to be getting proven by geological studies. Absolutely. Do I have an easier time believing in a deity or deities that are more natural? Sure. Do I believe in miracles? Sure. Do I believe in magic? Yes. Does my preference seem a little more like Wicca? Probably. However, I cannot really claim that one, either.

I am not writing this to claim a religion. I am not writing this to try to swing anybody else to claim one that I endorse. I simply prefer to choose a religion that fits my own beliefs. If that religion includes two parents that are both deities, sees Nature as its own being and a good thing, and is respectful of all the religions of others, as well? I do not see how that can be a bad thing. So what if I prefer to be solitary in my beliefs? I do not harm anyone.

Be reassured that if I wish you blessings, I wish them for you in the faith that you prefer. When somebody passes away, I wish for them to reside in the heaven in which they believe. I pray. When I do so, I pray for good things to happen to people, and I pray for the best things for them. I want nothing but love and happiness for everyone. When that is not possible, I try to bring comfort to them.

When I am asked if I am a pagan, I can answer yes. I do not generally try to explain. How I became one started by being a child with questions that Christianity just could not answer to my satisfaction. I searched and learned and found my own answers. Please, remember that this does not explain my entire belief system. It does not even mean that I do not believe in God. I also do not think that anyone else is wrong or that I am the only one that is right. I have simply found the system that makes me feel at peace in my heart. That is all I can wish for anyone. I wish love and blessings on all.