How to Speak East Coaster: An Alternative to Babelfish

Many people like the Altavista site called "Babelfish." With Babelfish, you can type individual words, sentences, or larger blocks of text, and it will be translated into your choice of a dozen or so other languages. For basic translations of English-to-Spanish or French-to-English, for example, Babelfish is great when dealing with the most popular languages; however, neither Altavista's Babelfish nor any other readily-available site provides an adequate translating service for that which is described in Answers.com as

ver·nac·u·lar (vər-nãk'yə-lər)
n. The standard native language of a country or locality.
1. The everyday language spoken by a people as distinguished from the literary language. See synonyms at dialect. 2. A variety of such everyday language specific to a social group or region.

Prior to moving to the Midwest, I had always believed that the main language I spoke was called "English," and had been widely understood in all of the areas in the United States in which I've lived. Imagine, then, my surprise upon being told that the language I speak is actually
something called "East Coaster," and that it is a "block in communicating" with the locals. Try as I have, I've not been able to locate any references to what the locals consider a linguistic oddity known as "East Coaster;" so I am preparing a list of some of its words, phrases and terminology-- so you, too, can talk like a native-born east-coast-person, or, at the very least, understand what we are talking about.

We East Coasters-- as apparently the term covers the people as well as the language-- like our language to be the same as our lives: uncomplicated, stable, and straightforward. This is one point on which we are decidedly at-odds with the locals, who have the tendency to use words and phrases for whatever they wish them to mean at any given time. I think the most unusual aspect of the East Coaster lingo is that it is indeed understood in most parts of the United States, only falling short of "communicating" in certain geographical locations.

One group of words and phrases which necessitates translation cover various interactions between people. (As one of the famous Ephron sisters said, we do not use the word 'relationship' unless we are referring to a 'sea-faring vessel which contains our family members.') In East Coaster vocabulary, "dating" is two people who mutually agree in advance to a specific social activity and then participate in that activity-- it is about spending time with a person, and enjoying something of a social nature; it does not imply that a commitment exists between the two people, nor is it "about sex." Simple enough, huh? In the Midwest, however, it is entirely different-- if you have a friend in for coffee, it is called "dating;" if you accept a ride from someone, that is called "dating;" the word is used to cover everything from living with someone to situations which are about nothing but sex, to casual platonic friendships to exclusive commitments.

For most of us East Coasters, there are a number of phases, or stages, in (forgive this word) relationships: "going with" (as in "My sister is going with George"), "engaged," and "married." Even these basics leave room for misinterpretation from others who 'do not speak East Coaster.' For example, to us, a "husband" or a "wife" refers to a person to whom you are legally married, and those words are not applicable to anyone other than one's lawful spouse. The word "single" means "not married"-- it is not a reference to whether or not you are living with someone, or whether or not you are 'dating;' it is not a reflection on one's attachment status, but on one's marital status.

Also in the category of (forgive this word again) relationships: the words "mother," "father," "parent" signify the person or persons who brought you into the world and have overseen your upbringing-- the words are not applicable to anyone other than those individuals, not interchangeable, not replaceable.

As most of us East Coasters have "lives," rather than the local version known as "lifestyles," there is much miscommunication on these topics also. For example: "Manners" are considered a sign of proper upbringing-- to be crude or rude in words or actions is seen as "your parents failed-- they did not raise you to know any better." People know which is their own home and which is someone else's home-- when you are in someone else's home, you are a "guest," or "company," and when you are in that role in someone else's home it is figured that you will show due respect in realizing it is not your place to "take over," to help yourself to the contents of someone else's refrigerator, and, above all, that you have the common sense to leave within a reasonable time-- unless your parents did not teach you anything. For we East Coasters, "visiting" is along the line of "traveling to your Aunt's home, some distance away, to spend the weekend with her;" in the Midwest, "visiting" means showing up at someone's home at any hour of the day or night, often without invitation, and expecting the person whom you are going to "visit" to drop whatever he or she is doing, spend eight or ten hours entertaining you, and engaging in what we East Coasters call "gossip." On the opposite side of the spectrum, East Coasters use the word "neighbor" as being connected to the word "neighborly"-- the folks who live next door, or in your apartment building, are thought on as extended family, people from whom you can borrow eggs, people whom you rush to assist when you see them carrying in loads of groceries.

In East Coaster, words also reflect one's station or place in life. Individuals of one specific gender are called "girls" if they are of the youngest age, "women" if they are adults, and "ladies" if they possess a proper degree of character; individuals of the other gender are called "boys" if they are youngsters, "men" if they are adults. The definitive line between what constitutes the difference between the youngsters and the adults is that adults have "put away childish things" and base their lives on an appropriate degree of maturity and responsibility. In the Midwest, those known as "females" and "guys" have never reached that definitive line. Also for East Coasters, one's age is considered of little relevance to anything other than behaving in a manner fitting to it; in the Midwest it is quite different-- people who continuously boast about "being" forty-five or fifty, yet "acting" as if they were teenagers. Can anyone say "Peter Pan"?

One standard back east is to live in a manner that is respectful to oneself and to others. The general idea is that if you seriously dislike someone, you simply don't bother with the person-- going out of one's way to make life miserable for someone, or to try to "change" another person, is a "no-no." This also includes low-class vocabulary which would shed a very negative light on the speaker-- one simply does not refer to human beings in terms of 'a dog in heat,' nor apply words to oneself which connotates an animal's sexual instincts, nor would anyone think these things were in any way positive. If someone asks you: "What, were you raised in the gutter?!" it is not a compliment.

There is much other word usage which differentiates East Coasters from age-peers in some other areas. For example, to the average East Coaster, the word "program" is a reference to something you watch on television; it can also refer to a printed paper which you receive at an event or a theatrical production. A "sponsor" is the company who pays to advertise on television; it can also mean one who contributes some monetary assistance to a child in a foreign country. "Issues" refers to your monthly magazine subscription. "Steps" is something that goes from your house to your driveway; and "stepwork" is what you do with concrete when your "steps" are in need of repair. For average folks who speak the East Coaster brand of English, "power in people's lives" is taken to mean your utility company is doing its job properly. Psychobabble and "programese" is generally not indulged in, for most have no reason for it-- "healing and recovering" is something one puts oneself to the task of doing, and completes; "growth" is what a child does, in the process of and resulting in "growing up."

I've been in many areas of the United States, and never had any difficulty communicating with the "natives" or "transplants" in any of those areas. In the Midwest, though, I'm told that such East Coaster communication means that one lacks the ability to communicate. I shudder to think of what misunderstandings would occur if I were to mention that a relative who had a serious accident recently got out of "rehab" where she had gone for "therapy."