How to Spot and Get Out of an Abusive Relationship Before You Become Attached

I've had a lot of responses to my article about passive-aggressive partners (click here to read), including from people who have asked for some hints about how to avoid getting into such relationships. Luckily there are some clues that can be spotted during the dating, or courting stage.

Those who abuse have been abused themselves during their childhood and during their early development and as such are therefore both victims and perpetrators. Luckily many people are able to recognize this in themselves and are then able to embark upon their healing journey to become survivors who are then able to get into much healthier relationships.

People who continue to abuse are in a state of denial; seeing nothing wrong with their behavior and they are invariably unwilling to admit they have any problem behaviors.

So here are some clues on how to spot a potential partner who may later become openly aggressive, violent and dangerous or who is passive aggressive:
One of the first danger signs happens also to appear to be something which many of us misinterpret as an intense, romantic type of love. An abuser puts us onto a pedestal often showering us with what can be often interpreted as romantic love. They put you at the centre of their life showering you with gifts, compliments, romantic dinners and romantic phone calls and emails etc. So if your new date seems to devote just about all of their time to you ask yourself, "did they have a life before you came along"? Saying such things as,"you give my life meaning", or, " I've only been happy (etc) since you came along" or, " you make my life whole" can be warning signs. Such comments are not be confused with remarks akin to your ability to enrich their lives.

Abusers are attracted to very gentle, caring and forgiving types - who are the types required for putting up with them. Forgiveness is an essential quality as much is going to be needed for this relationship's survival. Abusers are great 'rationalizers' and always seem to come up with very good reasons for any bad behavior. Having to regularly forgive repeated transgressions points to an abuser; someone who is not an abuser listens to you, takes your concerns on board and modifies their behavior. They care enough for you to adjust their behavior.

There are some good questions you can ask your new date. Note how they refer to and talk about their previous partners, their parents and/or their children. Do they often use 'blaming language'? Was their ex some awful, demonic, inhuman type of person who was just impossible to live or deal with? Do they instead tell you that you have all these great qualities (quite unlike the demon in their past)?

So ask your date about their exes and other important people and if they use a lot of blaming language; beware. If they rationalize a lot take this also as a warning sign. It might be time to get out gracefully now. A person who is not an abuser will speak far more respectfully about their exes. A passive aggressive type may tell you that their exes didn't, "care enough, or give them enough of X". They will also tell you that their exes were not good listeners, or that they didn't understand them.

In fact someone who tells you that they were, or felt unheard by their exes is also most likely to be an abuser. Hence another warning sign to give you an opportunity to opt out at an early stage. Abusers feel un-listened to, when the fact is that they cannot effectively listen to you.

Abusers also avoid certain types of intimacy and indeed are incapable of real intimacy. You may find yourself with some nagging type of feeling that all is not well or that there are certain 'no-go areas'. Take this too as another good warning sign. If your new partner cannot clearly answer any concerns you have and constantly uses 'ducking behavior' this is a bad sign too. Abusers deflect and often uses all manner of excuses to avoid answering your questions. Abusers often find it hard to talk directly about emotions and also often tend to endlessly talk a lot of 'trivia' on some topic that you are not too interested in. Hence they very often will talk 'at you' instead of to you.

They are also keen to share their worries and concerns about their daily lives with you whilst, at the same time not asking you about your own life. So - is there an imbalance in the sharing equation? If so this is another important warning sign.

Abusers are often addicts too so if your new beau has addictions this also can be a good warning sign. Though they will rarely, if ever admit to being addicted. If they say, "it's all under control or is not dangerous when you confront or ask them bout their behavior " you can just about 'bet your bottom dollar' that they later will be trying to keep you too under their control. Addictions serve to prevent them from becoming too intimate.

Abusers are good deflecters too and will mirror their own internal feelings of emotional discomfort onto you. So if you often or even sometimes have a vague feeling of something being wrong with them or yourself this too is a warning sign. People who stay in abusive relationships often mistakenly feel there is something wrong with them which causes them to believe they are at fault and therefore have the power to correct the relationship by modifying their own behavior.

Abusers are usually very jealous types. Don't confuse protectiveness with jealousy. If your new date starts making suggestions, or giving advice about who you should, or shouldn't see take this as yet another important warning sign.

The worst sin of an abuser is that they are in denial and unwilling to face their own behaviors and to accept them for what they are and to then immerse themselves in the healing process. But it is very unwise to stay with a partner who is in such a state of denial and unwilling to take appropriate action in dealing with their problems. I would say it is impossible for the necessary healing to occur without outside help and in particular group sessions are very effective for dealing with abusers because it is in such situations that they can see both their own beliefs and behaviors being acted out as well as the destructive consequences of such behaviors.

If you are a person who keeps getting into these relationships then perhaps you too need to do some personal healing and seeking appropriate intervention and/or therapy. It is much easier to see how these destructive relationships have worn you down when you are in a group with other victims. Not taking intervention action can lead you into a spiral of abusive relationships.

Note also that it is not necessary that all the behaviors mentioned above be part of a dysfunctional relationship. Though they may often occur in the clusters mentioned above if your new date only exhibits one or two of these behaviors please take them as a warning sign.

Keep posted.