How to Spot a Tourist in Manhattan

During these hot Summer months the influx of tourists even post 9/11 is quite noticeable. Here are some indicators for how to spot a tourist in Manhattan, just in case they aren't obvious enough for you.

If you see someone responding to the question 'What's the time?' by actually looking at their watch then they are probably a tourist. Everybody knows that there is just no good reason to be walking around Manhattan asking people what the time is and if someone ever does, then the response should be 'time you bought yourself a watch!'

Anyone wearing mind-blowingly obvious bum-bags and various zippered pouches bulging from their personage is a tourist. A tourist without a clue I might add. They should wear a T-Shirt to accompany all this paraphernalia stating 'Rob me somebody please', which of course leads nicely into those fiercely innocent looking individuals who still insist on wearing a 'I Love New York' T-Shirts. They are most definitely a tourist and should feel appropriately silly in their 'I Love New York' T-Shirts once they have been mugged after having taking the train to Flatbush instead of to their friend's house in Greenpoint.

If you see 4-8 people walking around Manhattan whilst taking up the entire sidewalk, they are probably tourists. You are obliged as a native New Yorker to sneer and call them names as you pass. It is your birth-right. Middle finger is optional.

Anyone who asks you 'Where's the nearest Starbuck's?' is not only... not from New York but not of this earth!

If you see people pointing excitedly at anything and everything, they are tourists.

People of any age wearing baseball caps back to front are most likely tourists trying just way too hard to fit in with a fashion fad that was passé 15 years ago. It is approximately 6.3 times as sad to see a man over 40 wearing his cap in this fashion.

If you see people smiling and laughing for more than 10 seconds, they are probably tourists. 'What the hell are you smiling about, this is New York Dammitt!'

If you see people standing in front of the site of the World Trade Center smiling and pointing as their buddies take their pictures, they are probably tourists. They should also be beaten mercilessly with their own cameras and charged $5.00 for the picture you take of their beaten and bruised bodies.

If you see people walking around with Surfing boards, they are probably tourists. They should also be beaten repeatedly (preferably with afore-mentioned board) as there is no reason to be roaming around Manhattan (never mind the subways) with a 7 foot surf board under your arm.

Anyone wearing a Cowboy hat in Manhattan is probably a tourist. I should like to point out that these people too, should be beaten with the battered and broken surf-board of the previously mentioned wayward surfer-dude, which leads me to those horrifying West Coast types who address you as 'Dude'. This person is not only a tourist but a prat of the highest order as even in California 'Dude' is by now (I hope) pretty lame.

If you see people looking up, up, up as they walk aimlessly around they are probably a tourist.
Overly animated young people gesturing wildly at each other are almost certainly 'Italian' tourists.

Anyone who seems startled by crazy people is not from New York. Personally I have given up trying to tell the difference between the norms and the crazies (& now the tourists).

People who ask you where the Empire State Building is whilst standing in front of it are prob....no wait!... That's me!

Anyone who stands patiently on-line at a food-joint without huffing and puffing, cursing or shouting is probably a tourist and more than likely English.

Watching people eat Pizza like its gourmet cooking. Although it has to be said that New York does do the best Pizza.

People who just don't know how to navigate their way around the Malls and Shops of Manhattan are dead giveaways as tourists. There is a definite etiquette to achieving this. Basically you need to walk hard and fast in your chosen direction. Know where you're going for God's sake. Do not stop and stand at the top of the escalator looking forlornly down below like you've never stepped on one before. Do not suddenly stop in the middle of the sidewalk turn around mid stride and expect not to get run over by the New York Masses.

I hope this has helped you all in your quest to identify that much-maligned cash-cow. The Tourist.