How to Be a St. Patrick's Day Comedian: Get Some Irish Jokes, Irish Sayings and Leprechaun Shoes

My short career as a comedian.
After doing three or four stand up nights at comedy clubs, where they sometimes bought me a coke and a pretzel, but more often did not (despite the fact that everybody I know came to see me, paid a cover charge, and bought dinner and drinks) ...it dawned on me that I had found yet another way to work hard and not make any money, clever girl that I am. So I decided to retire from comedy after a long and illustrious 60 day career..

How I became a St. Patrick's day comedian.
But then my fun friend Greg asked me to stop by and crack a few jokes the next time he played and sang oldies at a retirement home, during their cocktail hour. He is a friend, what could I do? And these folks thought I was ROTFLMAO funny. They brought me snacks. They plied me with wine. They laughed and larfed and hooted and asked me to come back. And of course I did, because I wouldn't want to disappoint the poor dears. And when pal Greg ups and calls me to say he has to go out of town on Saint Patrick's Day, could I take over the entire hour and do Irish jokes? For payment? As in money? Sure! I said.

Why I dressed like a leprechaun and told Irish jokes.
That's why I had to dress up like a leprechaun and tell a solid hour of Irish jokes. "Finnegan is complainin' because his wife is drivin' him to drink. Murphy says he's lucky cuz hiswife makes him walk." Wokawokawoka. (Play 30 seconds of Irish Jig.) Mrs. Flanagan yells from the kitchen "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel?" Mr. Flanagan yells back "No, but I'm getting' closer!" Doodaleedoodaleedoodaleedo.

Sure and it was all great fun for the ladies and gents all dolled up in their green dresses and blouses and funny Irish hats.

My St. Patrick's Day costume from the Dollar Store.
Ye may be askin' how do ya dress up like a leprechaun, and I'm happy to explain. (The Irish Lass says to the storekeeper, "Could I be tryin' on that dress in the window? "O no," he says, "I'd prefer you use the dressing room.") Oh sorry, I was explainin'. Well you go to the Dollar Store and buy a lot of green junk. A long green plastic necklace with a beer mug dangling from it, so you can make Irish toasts. (May Irish luck be yours today, and may ya kiss the Blarney stone, may the Good Lord smile upon ya, and give you an ice cream cone. Or something.) Back to bein' a lepre-con. Well you find some big green pants and blouse them at the knee with elastic headbands, and then ye make yourself some leprechaun shoes. (Knock, Knock, who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a Happy St. Paddy's Day.) Doodaleedoo.

A cheap way to make leprechaun shoes.
Oh I suppose ye want to know how to make the leprechaun shoes. Well it so happens the Dollar Store has big tall green felt hats with orange buckles for guess what, a dollar. Ye must be buyin' three of them. One for your head and one for each foot. (Mr. O'Malley, why don't ya cut out all the drinkin' and smokin' and carousin? "Ah it's too late" sez Mr O'Malley. "No, it's never too late!" assures the virtuous Mrs. O'Toole. "Then there's no rush is there?" sez O'Malley.) Now did you figure out the shoes yet? Well turn two of the hats upside down, and step in 'em. Then tie 'em to your ankles with string, or wire or whatever ya got. Now ye're a proper leprechaun.

Now ye just need a pot of gold.
Go on and buy another hat, then turn it upside down, fold in the brim and fill it with gold covered chocolate. (Reilly is walking through a grave yard and he sees an inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man." Faith and begorrah, exclaims Reilly, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave." ) Badumpadum.

Keepin' St. Patrick's day costs down.
The idea here is to keep yer expenditures to the minimum whether you look like a fool or not. So far we're up to four hats: $4. Green pants: $3. Head bands, 3 for $1. Gold covered candy, $2. Now, not a penny more. After all they're only payin' $75. Just slashed the profit by ten dollars, but it's still more than writing a handful of articles, i'nit? And where in the world can ye find green pants for $3? Well I got a pair I'll sell ya.

Sure and ye better not be hiding me leprechaun shoes.
Anyway when I get to the Senior's place, I find they're having the St Paddy's celebration in a long room with tables down each wall, and a podium up front. Which means only two tables can see me. And they're all catatonic at one of 'em. And me fine leprechaun shoes are completely blocked from view. So here's when I find out about the magic qualities of felt shoes.

(Muldoon lived all alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog for company. One day the dog died. Muldoon went to the parish priest and sez "Father me dog is dead. Could ye be saying a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we canna have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, no tellin' what they'll do for the creature. Muldoon sez "I'll go right away, thank you Father. Do ya think five thousand pounds is enough to donate for the service? " Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary and Joseph, Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic!')

An Irish saying ye'll not forget.
Back to me magic leprechaun shoes. I find out they slide on the nice wood floors. So I grab the mic and set off skidding from one table to another, givin' away silly prizes, and making the oldsters kiss each other. Have ya not heard the saying "Kiss me, I'm Irish?" I got all of 'em to sayin' it, and then next thing there they went a kissin'.

(Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man replies, "Yes, Father." Father O'Connor then says "Leave this bar right now, and go outside." The Father proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The lad answers "yes." The priest asks him to go out too. The Reverend Father goes to the third man and asks "Would you like to go to heaven?" This time the reply is "No thank you, Father." Surprised, Father O'Connor asks "Why not?" The man adds, "I do, but only after I die." Father O'Connor says "That's what I 'm talking about!" The man says, "Oh I thought you were getting up a group to go now.")

Another Irish saying.
Slip slide back to the podium, where some nice soul has placed a wee glass of wine. Time for another Irish toast! "May your troubles be less and your blessings be more, And nothing but happiness come through your door. May your friendships be plenty and your troubles be few. May the luck of the Irish be smilin' on you!"

O'Malley was driving down the street thoroughly worked up because he had an important meeting, and he couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday,and give up me Irish Whiskey." Miraculously a parking place appeared. O'Malley looked up again and said "Never mind, Lord, I found one." Wackadoo, wackadoo. Somebody stop me!