How to Start the Next Internet Buzz Band

So you've really been digging on that new record by Six Organs Of Admittance, huh? Or maybe you can't stop rocking out to LCD Soundsystem? But what you really want, what you really crave in your little hipster heart of hearts is to be in one of those bands that's getting all the blogs a-buzzing. Well, I can't hook you up with James Murphy's cell number, but what I can do is give you this - a step by step guide to starting the next great internet buzz band. Trust me - you'll be loved-and-then-hated by Pitchfork in no time!

Step 1: Learning to play an instrument.

This step really isn't as important or as difficult as it sounds. If you learned to play something in your high school marching band or orchestra, you're all set - skip to step two. If you're a guitarist, bassist, or drummer, though, we've got a problem. Those instruments are boring now. Go get yourself an accordian, a stack of old casios, or maybe even a tuba. Ideally, you'll be able to play all three at once. What's that? You have no natural musical inclinations or talent? Don't worry about it - get yourself a cheap laptop, load it up with "found sound" samples, and start playing around. The more haphazard this all sounds, the better - musical ability is for major-label sellouts. You're trying to be cutting-edge, son.

Step 2: Finding your bandmates.

Okay, great - so you've got yourself a broken melodica or something, and you've sort of figured out how to make sounds with it. You're all set to go out into the world and find other like-minded souls, and start making some "art"! First, though, you need to come up with some influences - so people know you're cool enough to start a band with. Kraftwerk is a good idea here. Everyone loves Kraftwerk, and no one who doesn't will ever admit to it. Next, you want to list some noise bands - the more obscure the better. Wolf Eyes are okay, but if you really want to sell your cred you'll put someone down like Silk Planet Mark Five. (Note: it doesn't matter if these are real bands. Nobody actually listens to noise music anyways.) Finally, to show everyone that you're not as pretentious as the tightness of your jeans might lead people to believe, list whatever pop stars are hip at the moment. Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, and Timbaland, are all acceptable. Madonna is also acceptable, as long as you make it clear that you only approve certain portions of her catalog. You might think about listing some Gansta Rappers as influences, but be warned: while hip, you might also attract potential bandmates who are really into Korn. These are not the people you want.

So, now that you've got a list of influences, you need to start putting up flyers. Craigslist can work, but your target market should really be "indie" coffee shops, record stores that still only sell vinyl, and organic supermarkets. This will ensure that you're only attracting the acceptably-hip element. If your list of influences was good enough, you'll have lots of potential bandmates calling you in no time. Now, comes the tricky part: weeding out the undesirables. You want to find people who are hip, but not quite as hip as you - that way, you'll be the one all the zines will want to interview. It's also important to get a cute girl - she can sing backup, and ideally will be playing a synthesizer or some sort of bowed instrument. It's not important if the instruments in your band seem to go together - in fact, the odder the combination, the better. Clarinet, shuffleboard, and xylophone? Sounds like rock and roll to me!

Step 3: Deciding on a genre and a band name.

If you want to be the next cog in the internet hype machine, jumping on the bandwagon of a just-burgeoning bandwagon isn't going to be good enough. You're going to need to blaze your own trail - but first, you're going to name this new genre you're going to create, so the blogs will have a convenient tag to file you under. All you really need to do here is combine a prefix and a suffix. Avant-, Freak-, Disco-, Psyche-, Electro-, and Kraut- are all excellent prefixes. For your suffix, you're going to want an already-standard genre of music. Pop, Rock, Folk, Dance, Punk, and Bluegrass are all acceptable. Just make sure you're not starting a genre that already exists - Freak-Folk and Electro-Punk are already taken. Sorry. Disco-Bluegrass could work, however. It doesn't matter if it makes any sense, or if you're entirely unfamiliar with either Disco or Bluegrass - your music won't have much to do with either. So now that you've discovered the hot new genre of the moment, you need an equally hot band name. Acronyms work surprisingly well here - it doesn't matter what they stand for, no one's going to ask. ELX? TREGL? Perfect! Also, names of people who aren't in the band are a good idea - particularly if it's an ethnic name, and no one in your band is a member of said ethnicity. Failing that, just take your name from some obscure biblical reference, and call it a day.

Step 4: Writing Songs.

Don't spend too long on this - it isn't that important. As a general rule of thumb, for every hour you spend writing a song, spend two hours coming up with a clever name for it.

Step 5: Your first show!

So, it's finally the big day! You've learned an obscure instrument, found some compatriots, decided on a genre, named your band, and maybe written a couple tunes. It's time to wow everyone with your brilliance! There are two general ways to go with this - pick one, and don't stray from it. If you're a naturally shy person, you need to play this up as much as possible. Don't face the audience. Mumble incoherently into the microphone between songs, and try and be as unobtrusive as possible. The audience will eat this up. However, if you aren't painfully shy, it's vitally important that you act as crazy as humanly possible. Perform naked. Rip the strings from your instrument, and scrape them across your face. Make as many vaguely obscene gestures as you can, and make sure to completely alienate your audience. Again, they'll eat this up.

Step 6: Get (Internet) Famous!

If you've followed my advice up to this point, you'll already be on somebody's blog. Now all you need to do is wait - keep alienating people at your shows, and write as many "pop" songs as possible that don't have any sort of discernible hook. In a few months, once the people who actually come see your shows are starting to get sick of you, Pitchfork will be all over you. And from there, it's a whole new world.

Coming Soon: How To Deal With The Fallout Of Being An Internet Buzz Band