How Steadman Will Know that Oprah Doesn't Love Him Anymore!

You had better be on the lookout!

I'm writing you as a neighbor, with a friendly warning. We are a lot alike, believe it or not.

Just a few minutes ago I was at Jewel and cruised through the checkout lane. There I saw the usual stuff about Britney and Lindsey, and that's where I saw your mug.

In the National Enquirer.

You know they know stuff. Remember Monica Lewinsky and the blue dress? The National Enquirer was right out in front on that one.

Well, you were looking a bit beat up on the Enquirer pages, like you'd been a guest on the Jerry Springer Show.

Hey, the holidays are always bad. Bad for traffic. Bad for getting shopping done. Bad for weather. Bad for romance and relationships.

The Enquirer was saying that Oprah doesn't love you anymore.

You know... Sted, pal. Sometimes you are the last to know.

Take me, for example. I had a relationship going with another Chicago girl for sixteen years. I tried and tried and tried to get her to commit and walk down the aisle.

There was always an excuse.

I know, Sted, that you are getting the same stuff.

Guess what happened?

January 01, after our traditional dinner out at Mario's Tacos, I got the news. Got those words you don't want to hear. "I'm seeing someone else."

You see, I travel a lot for work. You're in the consulting biz, and you probably do too.

This is where the bad stuff happens. You're off working and you think you're working so you can buy Oprah a nice little necklace from Target or a Relax your Back chair, and --BAMO!-- you get sucker punched.

Because we haven't been able to hook up at Dugan's or ESPN Sport's Bar, I'm going to pass along a couple warning signs, so you'll know if Oprah is maybe inviting some other guy to one of her mansions.

Irritable: Has Oprah been really crabby lately? Aside from that one time of month (if she hasn't gone through the change yet). Could be a sign.

Unavailable: I know Oprah won't answer the phone when I call her, but is she letting you go to voice mail too often? Especially when you know she's home with Chinese take out?

Gifts: Think back, Sted, have the gift exchanges been equal? Are you busting your bank account and only getting a Starbuck's gift card for $20 in return?

Working late: Has Oprah been saying she's burning the night lights at HARPO Studios? Hate to tell you buddy, but I've been past there, and most nights it's darker than a tombstone.

New Friends: Does Oprah suddenly have a bunch of new friends? People you don't know? If so, you are definetly being left out of the loop. And I don't meet the Chicago Loop.

Rolls Over: You are thinking a little piece of Oprah tonight, and she wants to watch reruns of "Jane Austin"?

Those are some of the clues I had, but was too stupid to see them. Didn't want to. But listen, I've read your web site. You got some things going for you. Hell, don't be Mr Oprah Winfrey all your life.

I'm telling you: dump Oprah right now! Today. Before she gets the lowdown on you. New Years is most popular time of year to dump and get dumped. Walk away with a full set. Don't be left holding your cold enchilada from Mario's Tacos on New Year's Day, like I was.

I don't want to be sounding like an episode of Oprah, but if you need to talk you can email me through Associated Content, or you can head out this way to McDivit's in Palos. They have the best wings.

Don't be the last guy hanging on. You don't want to lose all self respect when Oprah's new love comes around and she has a big smile on her face and is sporting your old flannel shirt.

Been there too.

Rich