How to Steal an Election

The "mid-term" elections, also known as "the first chance to un-elect the moron that we elected the last time" elections, are just around the metaphorical corner. Since every election is guaranteed to produce at least one losing party, it is imperative that your candidate avoid membership in the "Party of Losers" at all costs. The most effective strategy known to prevent this unfortunate event is known as "The (Insert your opposition's party here) are Trying to Steal this Election" tactic.

This strategy is quite easy to implement, even by newcomers to the political arena. All one need do is gather as many members of the news media (a group not noted for either its impartiality or its collective intelligence) as you can find and then announce that your party (the epitome of honesty and the only true "party of the people") has discovered that your opposition's party (composed of evil capitalists and / or other such "enemies of truth and freedom") is plotting to "steal" the upcoming election.

The above allegation can be used to justify the outcome of the election regardless of whether your candidate wins or loses. If your candidate wins, you can proclaim that democracy, the "will of the people," or some other intangible force has prevailed by exposing and then defeating the conspiracy that you invented.

The invented "conspiracy" is of even greater utility if your candidate loses the election due to some unexpected or unplanned development such as a drastic underestimation of exactly how big a lie the voting public will believe. Should this occur, all you have to do is claim that your candidate's defeat is "proof" of the previously identified conspiracy!

Many political strategists feel that relying on the simple win-lose outcome of your "conspiracy" is too risky and that a more aggressive course of action is necessary. This can include any or all of the following tactics.

The Exit Poll Two-Step

Exit polls are generally considered to be an accurate reflector of voting trends, provided that they accurately represent the voting population but, since this posting is about everything but accuracy, you are correct in believing that accuracy has no place in partisan political activities.

In the Exit Poll Two-Step strategy, you must post your survey takers outside polling places in areas where your candidate will be very popular. This will insure that the percentage of voters supporting your candidate will be higher than those voting for your opposition. After the polls close and the votes are counted you will have two options available:

1. If your candidate wins the election, you just throw the exit poll results in the nearest trashcan before heading to the victory party.

2. If your candidate loses the election, you should immediately call a press conference where, citing your biased exit poll results, you claim proof of the existence of your previously identified "conspiracy."

The 40 - 40 - 20 Principle

Practically all political analysts and other such social parasites will tell you that, in any given election, 40% will always vote for the more liberal candidate, 40% will always vote for the conservative candidate, and 20% will vote for the candidate that makes the most sense in his / her position on issues that appeal to the emotions of the undecided voters. It is the 20% sector that determines the outcome of any given election and you must get to these unaffiliated voters as early as possible. This is very important because:

1. Whoever has the support of the non-partisan 20% will win the election

2. This same group is able to think for themselves and will not easily be swayed by either your candidate's idiotic statements or those made by the opposition

The above mentioned tactics will invariably work simply because the average American voter is incapable of understanding anything that is more intellectual than a commercial seen on MTV.

Scary thought isn't it?

For those who are new to the American Political Theater of the Absurd, I will provide a few selected definitions. If your humble correspondent is not the source of a given definition the name of the original author will be cited.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. (H. L. Mencken)

If x is the population of the and y is the degree of imbecility of the average American, then democracy is the theory that x times y is less thany. (H. L. Mencken)

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Bureaucracy: the most inefficient and potentially corrupt form of government and thus actively supported by both parties.

Christian Right: a rowdy and vocal mob that excels at both distorting and ignoring the teachings of its namesake.

God: a generic term that defines one's concept of a supreme being who is, invariably, on both sides of any given argument. Alternatively, the person or being that is blamed for everything but denied credit for anything beneficial.

House of Representatives: the junior body of the United States Congress where potential candidates for higher offices learn the art of raiding the public treasury while avoiding testifying in one's own defense.

Injustice: that which has been committed when your candidate is defeated or you client is convicted.

Intolerance: a term used to describe the attitude of someone that does not buy into the distorted logic behind your own beliefs.

Propaganda: any statement that touts the merits of your opponent's beliefs, record, or policies.

Senate: the senior body of the United States Congress; populated by those who have excelled at ransacking the public treasury while avoiding the attentions of a grand jury.