How to Step-parents Can Improve Their Relationship with Step-children

I married a woman with three kids when I was 25 years old the kids were 11, 8 and 3. We never had any of our own and their father stayed away without paying any child support. So all I can really talk about is trying to fill the role of man of the house. This piece is suggestions for men with natural father missing at least in the early years.

The first impulse was to run a tight ship. The sons were somewhat going for the change, but the 3 year old daughter kept saying, "I don't have to obey you, you're not my real father." When you take on the discipline only in a family dynamic, you run the real risk of getting over-ruled by their mother if you step too far. This will lesson your roll and probably delegate you to observer. It's best if you let the mother take the lead as was her role before you arrived and be supportive to carrying out her decisions. This support function may seem trivial at first, but if she tires of setting rules and seeing to their enforcement, you'll get plenty of opportunity to do your thing.

The vacuum left by an absent father seems like it would be easy to fill, after all he's absent right. Wrong, whether he was a good or bad father, you are not him and therefore you must create your own role in their lives. The obvious role that looms up quickly is that of protector of the family, financially and emotionally. You should be able and ready to provide for things that weren't possible before. School trips, nicer clothes, vacations, more food, you know - - stuff. The other thing that you should bring is support for the cohesiveness of the newly formed family. The mother, father, and kids structure is what you're seeking that has been worked out over the ages as most beneficial to society. Be calm and collected in crisis, it will help reduce fear of the kids and promote the idea that adding you was a good idea. Stability and support are your best contributions to the family.

One-on-one events with each child, will fortify your role as father figure. These may take time away from your spouse but believe me it will cause the two of you to grow closer than if you had spent that time together alone. These times of one-on-one is a major key to not only belonging to the family but can be invaluable in warding off future episodes of rebellion as teenagers. I said ward off, not eliminate teenage angst. But again calm and solid positions are needed along with openness to discuss what's going on without arbitrary rulings that can alienate quickly the teenager.

Being a step-father is one of the toughest jobs you'll ever do. Love them as your own, be there for them when they need you, and keep in mind that steering a family is like a ship, small changes in direction and allow time for the results.