How to Stick to Your 2008 New Year's Resolutions

Do you often find yourself having difficulty sticking to your New Year's resolutions? Have you all but given up by noon on January First? If that's the case, I have a sure-fire system to help you in 2008. Here are some ideas that will help you stick to your New Year's resolutions.

Firstly, it's all about semantics. As an attorney, I've learned how to carefully craft contracts that create loopholes favorable to my clients. This skill can work equally well for you. Hire a lawyer to draft your New Year's resolutions. You will have a formal document in legalese that you can post on your refrigerator or frame for your foyer. An attorney can add boilerplate language that won't be visible to the naked eye, but will get you out of any jam when your spouse or parent or child accuses you of not sticking to your New Year's resolutions. "But Daddy, you made a resolution not to smoke cigars anymore!" Sorry, sonny, but you're going to have to re-read Paragraph Six, Subsection 3A.

Secondly, don't make things too hard on yourself. Write a rough draft of your New Year's resolutions, then see what you can change to make your resolutions easier to stick to. For instance, if your resolution says: "You must lose 15 pounds by March 31," cross out the word "lose," and replace it with "not gain." Now your resolution reads: "You must not gain 15 pounds by March 31." A lot easier to stick to, right?

Along those same lines, add specificity to your New Year's resolutions. For instance, if your rough draft says: "You must not drink alcoholic beverages," add a few words to make the resolution easier to stick to. How about, "You must not drink rum-based alcoholic beverages"? A lot easier to stick to, right? Resolve to tackle vodka or bourbon in 2009.

Thirdly, you don't always need to be the prime target of your New Year's resolutions. For instance, if you need to save money, don't write: "I must cut out my weekly visit to the Satin Dolls Strip Club." Try something else, like "I must spend less money on my wife." You will still save money in 2008, and get to see Gia and Angel dance around in their G-strings. (Hey, the poor girls are working their way through college, right?). It's what I like to call a win-win situation.

Finally, if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? Probably, but who really cares, right? My point is, it's not a crime unless you get caught. Catch my drift? Post your New Year's resolutions in a place where anyone can see. And stick to them, as long as you're in plain sight. But once you leave the house alone, you're out of your family's jurisdiction, and you can safely violate away, while remaining indignant when your wife opens that box of Bon Bons in bed and begins to eat. Just be sure to get that stripper smell off you before you begin your rant.