How to Stop Blaming

How many years have you spent telling yourself, "If he or she didn't do that I wouldn't feel so angry, sad, desperate, frustrated..." fill in the blank. "If only I had more money, a better house, If everyone treated me better, appreciated me, etc." If only things weren't the way they are.

We are all guilty of this kind of blame. Even people that have somehow transcended this habit have, at some point in their lives, blamed someone or something else for a problem they were having. Why do we do this? Why is it a problem? And how can we overcome this tendency?

Why we blame other people and things

The biggest reason we blame other people and things is because we actually believe they are at fault. We really think that we would be better off if they weren't a certain way or if circumstances were different. We convince ourselves that we cannot be happy until something changes.

That isn't to say that other people and circumstances are never a contributing factor to the situations we find ourselves in; they do in fact play a part. But, we are talking about a different kind of blame here; a compulsive blaming; the impulse to point the finger every time we experience unpleasant circumstances.

We also have this tendency to blame because, whether we are willing to admit it or not, we don't want to accept responsibility for the way we experience our lives. We do not want to believe that we can do anything about it, we don't want to do anything about it; we want someone or something else to do it for us.

Another reason is because we are afraid. We are afraid to admit we may have something to do with it. We fear what that might mean. We may have to do something about it; we may have to make changes. That's scary because we do not always know what to do, or how to change, or if we even can.

Why this Kind of Blame is a Problem

Whatever problem you are having, you can be sure that if you are blaming someone else for it, or some situation for it, it will not go away. Not for good. This is because blaming is the same as giving up our power and ability to do anything about it. "Well I can't do anything about it," you might say. Yes, you can. You can always do something, if you are willing to. Doing something may simply mean, accepting that this is the way it is right now, and choosing to go about your life doing the best that you can. Whatever it means, you always have the ability to do something.

If you continue to blame someone or something else for your problems or unhappiness, you will always be unhappy. This is why blame is a serious problem. Happiness is not something that is given to you or taken from you by another person or event. These things have an impact on us, but we still choose how we will view them and deal with it.

If you are having relationship problems, you surely are not entirely at fault. Neither is your partner. Yet, if you insist on claiming that your partner is the problem, entirely, your relationship issues will persist.

The same is true for our financial situations. No matter how bad the job market, the financial system, or how high our bills are, if we sit around complaining about our financial problems and blaming everyone and everything for it, it is not going to improve. Only when we accept that we have the ability to do something about it, will it get better. That may mean that you have to move into a less expensive home, cut back on spending in certain areas, get rid of your credit cards, etc. The point is, it will only improve when you take responsibility, do something, and stop the pointless blaming.

How can we overcome the tendency to blame

The first step is realizing how destructive and pointless it really is. Remember the question I asked at the outset. "How many years have you spent blaming other people and things for your problems?" How many years, and how much improvement has this gotten you? Has your partner changed much? How much extra cash do you have? Do you feel better? Are you happier?

It's actually very easy to see, when you take a serious look at it, that blaming gets you nowhere. Think about this the next time you are furious about a situation you are in. Listen when you start to tell yourself it's someone else's fault. Catch yourself when you begin griping about finances. Ask yourself, "Where is this really getting me?" Seriously think about that question. If you do you'll realize that all it is doing is digging you deeper into a pit of anger, resentment, helplessness, and unhappiness.

Know too, that you have the ability to approach any situation in whatever way you choose. If you think hard enough, you can probably remember a time when something not so good happened, something that would normally cause you to get really angry or anxious, yet somehow you managed to stay calm and collected. We can all do that, no matter what we're facing. It isn't always easy, but it can be done.

The most effective way then, to overcome our tendency to blame is the awareness of its complete futility. Knowing that it is only keeping us stuck in the very situation we want out of. Keep this in mind and remember, you choose how you react to things, and you are responsible for your own life and the way you experience it. Then, do something. Always remember you can do something, even in those situations where you think you can't. Maybe you can't make someone change, but you can choose to either accept them the way they are, or move on. It's your choice. That's the key.