How to Stop Enabling

Sometimes people enable without even realizing they are doing it. Others know they are doing it, but can't seem to break the habit. And then there are the ones that have no idea what enabling is, making it impossible to understand when they are doing it.

Enabling is something we do that actually helps someone else to behave in an unhealthy manner, whether it's unhealthy to themselves or sometimes even to the people that they are being enabled by. Learn how to identify enabling and break the habit, doing yourself and the other person a huge favor, even if it is a painful one.

Recognize the enabling. Enabling is a tricky thing and not always easy to recognize. In fact, sometimes it comes in the form of extreme kindness. The problem is that kindness is often mistaken for weakness, making the kind person easy to manipulate. In the meantime, the person doing the manipulating just keeps taking and taking, often feeling justified because they are given the okay. It basically comes down to one question. Look at the things you do for the person you think you might be enabling. Are the actions on your part followed by a negative behavior on the other person's part, sometimes in a recognizable pattern? If you say "no" to the person, are they shocked or angry? If you offer them suggestions to change their behavior, is the first word out of their mouth "but", followed by a long list of excuses? Do you often feel as if you are giving more than you are getting from this relationship? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you're probably enabling someone.

Learn to say no. This is one of the hardest things to do if you're an enabler. You just have to remember that you're actually doing more harm than good when you keep giving in. If you don't give in, they will simply go somewhere else or stop the behavior. Either way, you've done your part responsibly.

Walk away. It's not your job to fix anyone. You can try to help other people, but sometimes you also need to let them do it on their own.

Stop being controlled by guilt. Most people enable because they feel like they owe the person something or they are trying to make up for some wrong that they did. You can't change the past and feeding into negative behavior is no way to make up for mistakes. We all make our own choices and you have nothing to feel guilty about when you let someone know that it's time for them to start taking responsibility for their behavior.

Get a visual. I've spent a pretty good portion of my life being manipulated by guilt. I had one relative in particular that I did everything I could for. In the times when I couldn't do anything, she would place loads of guilt on me as if it were my fault that she couldn't meet her needs. Oddly enough, it was the times when I couldn't do what she needed that made me wake up the most. Instead of seeing a woman who needed help, I started seeing a woman who was throwing a temper tantrum because she didn't get her way and thought I was just saying no to say no. I keep that image in my head now when someone tries to make me feel bad for not enabling them. Another image I use is the idea of a druggie. They will say anything to get just one more fix. Give them what they want and they are content...until they run out again.

Focus on what's good for you. How do you feel when you enable people to hurt themselves? Aren't you tired of feeling like that? Give yourself some relief by walking away from the situation. It's great to be compassionate, but you need to look out for yourself as well. When you enable someone, you give them all your hopes because you want to believe they'll do what's right. The problem is that no matter what you do, you can't control anyone but yourself, so why try. Instead, do the things that make you feel good.

Don't feed into the excuses. No matter who you enable, you're going to hear excuses because every now and then you're going to be silly enough to question their actions. If you step out of the conversation, they have no one to make excuses to.

Assert yourself. The more you enable, the more you're hurting yourself and you might even turn yourself into someone you don't like, like someone who is passive aggressive on a regular basis. Voice your feelings on the matter and leave it at that. If your opinion is unacceptable, then it may be just what they needed to hear. Either they will consider or they won't. Either way, you've done what's best for you.

Keep in mind that you have no room to complain about someone's actions if you are enabling them to continue those actions. People that use enablers often cause whole families to be ripped apart. They are often surrounded by drama and a never ending string of excuses and blames because their negative behaviors don't leave any room for success or responsibility. You aren't doing anyone any favors by enabling them, even if it does provide them with immediate gratification.