How Can I Stop My Friend from Marrying Him?

My name is Lorraine and I live in Indianapolis. My friend and I have been friends since high school, and I love her dearly. This year we turned 35, so the need to get married is definitely an issue for us both. We have both been married and divorced once, and she is currently engaged to be married within a year. Only one problem. Her fiancee is an alcoholic and she refuses to see it.

She asked me to be her maid of honor, and out of obligation I felt the need to say yes. But in my heart I know she is making the biggest second mistake of her life. She is so riddled with obsession for this man, that she can't see straight. He has so many issues, and yet she is willingly jumping in with both feet. I want to hold her back and tell her how I feel, but I am afraid this will change our relationship forever.

What should I do?

Lorraine

Dear Lopsided Lorraine,

When I read your letter, I got a vision of a woman with an expression on her face that was lopsided. Hence Lopsided Lorraine. In my mind I visualized a mouth that was trying to smile and frown at the same time. Sort of like what is going on inside of you at this time.

You are in a difficult position, but I believe you are where God wants you to be. What you possess is a grand picture of the big picture. When you are blessed with the ability to step outside of your current circumstances and are able to perceive the big picture, perspective is often well defined. You are completely on mark for being concerned. What you see is a train wreck waiting to happen, and your friend is in the head car. Any good friend in her right mind would want her dear friend to jump off that moving train. So, good for you.

What your friend is lacking right now is the ability to see the big picture. Instead she is intoxicated by the emotions she is experiencing at this time. The messages she is hearing in her head go something like this; "Oh he loves me. We are going to get married and have a great big wedding. Ahh, I am going to take care of him, and he is going to love me forever. I will wait on him hand and foot and love him like no other woman in the world has loved him, and he will in turn adore me forever and ever. I will never have to be alone, or have to make myself happy. I am happy taking care of him and that is enough for me."

Your friend is stunted emotionally. And this will end terribly. Once reality settles in and her life begins to unfold, she will begin to regret not seeing the big picture which would have required to awake from the intoxicating illusion she willingly allowed herself to wallow in.

it is said, that unless we know our personal histories we are doomed to repeat them. You and your friend are no exception. On the surface enablers look like good people. They dedicate their lives to the unhealthy people in their lives and give up on worrying about themselves. They tell themselves they feel good when they do good for other people. But wait a minute. Back up one second.

Why would any healthy mature, enlightened, emotionally intelligent woman willingly marry an alcoholic? Why would any woman, consciously enter into a union with a man who needed to get drunk to survive? Why would any stable thinking individual, knowingly enable someone with an addiction, rather than expect that person to take care of their problem? Why would anyone not want someone they loved to get healthy enough so they could stand on their own two feet? Why would any loving individual prevent the person they love from knowing the peace that comes from self reliance? Why?

The truth is not as obvious as one might think. Often times the enablers in life have been taught that they need to be needed in order to feel worthy. Expand on that thought. Think above it, and look at the bigger picture. If this statement is true, what does that really mean?

Enablers are by nature very good hearted people. But unfortunately they are blind to the true motivations of their behavior.

Most often enablers have been taught that taking care of others is more important than taking care of themselves.

Keep expanding on that thought. If this statement is true, and enablers really do believe that, what kind of partners are they going to seek out? They are going to seek out people who are broken so that they can continue to fix them so that they can continue to play out the faulty programming they received in childhood. Unless this thought is corrected, all future relationships will end horribly and be spent miserably.

Your friend does not know true, authentic love. Instead she knows "needy love". What she fails to see is that she is not gravitating towards men that are emotionally independent and decisive. In fact, healthy men don't even show up on her radar. She needs the guy with only one emotional leg; the one who she knows will need to lean on her in order to stand up. The one who is a guaranteed to never leave her ever, because he needs her to survive.

Kind of mean, don't you think?

Having married a one legged emotional man myself, and having been the blind manipulative enabler myself, I can speak with experience when I say, this story will not end well.

Unless your friend is willing to let go of her enabling ways, and is willing to stop needing to enable and fix people, she will forever wind up feeling confused, consumed, and bewildered. Once the high wears off, and the wedding guests have gone, and reality of the everyday and mundane settle in, she will find herself begging to feel seen by her partner who has no clue what the heck she wants from him. In his mind, this is the life she wanted. And he won't be wrong.

As far as my advice for you, I say honor your gut. Your spirit is begging you to listen. If you love your friend, you won't make the same mistake she is by enabling her behavior. Love her enough to tell her straight what it is you see. Help her see the big picture. Paint the canvas of her life for her. Pull her into the future with this man, and ask her to at least try to see what you see. Make her understand that you are being a great friend by telling her your truth, and that you would be dishonoring her by staying quiet.

Fear is simply fear. Imagine what you might do if fear were not an issue. Would you sit her down and tell her straight if fear were not an issue for you? If so, push that emotion to the side and forge on. Tell her in as loving a way possible that you believe she is making a mistake. Confront your own fear, which is based on the idea that your truth will change your relationship forever.

Think about this Lorraine. if you don't tell her, and she marries this alcoholic, how will you feel in a year or two when she is calling you up, complaining about how her new husband doesn't listen to her, or how he frustrates her, or how he can't go a day without drinking? How will your relationship with her change then, as you watch her become swallowed up by the dysfunctional marriage she willingly entered in, and you willingly stayed mum about? Worse, how will you feel about your self?

Truth is always the best medicine. Pain is natures way of alerting to us that there is a problem. Mental toxicity is as dangerous as cancer. What we think and how we feel emotionally has a direct impact on the health of our bodies ability to function. Ill thoughts, anxiety, obsession, consumption and alike, cause our bodies to fall out of harmony and to begin to show signs of stress. Mental stress is the bodies way of getting our attention. Those signs don't show up in blood tests. Instead they show up in migraine headaches, restlessness, consumption, obsessive thoughts, self doubt, anxiety, and confusion.

Many times people ignore these warning signs of mental toxicity until it is too late. Your friend is showing signs of obsession which will only effect her physically eventually. And if she goes through with this marriage, her mental instability and lack of stillness will for certain cause her health problems in the future.

I say, if you are concerned enough to reach out to me for advice, you are suffering mental anguish yourself. Do not allow yourself to forsake your own need for mental stillness. Release the anxiety and the worry over your co-dependent friend is causing, by opening up your heart and allowing your spirit to speak freely. Release your worry, and expect your friend to take care of herself.

Love is a risk. But when you love the right way, you some times have to walk away. Enabling our friends only keeps them sicker longer and prevents them from learning to grow up and take responsibility for their own thoughts and actions. Hopefully your friend considers your thoughts, wakes up, cleans up her life, and walks back into your life a healthier and stronger woman. If not, if she hates you for telling her your truth, at least you can sleep knowing you were only trying to help her learn to take responsibility for her actions, rather than contributing to her enabling ways. You have at least honored your self, which has helped you grow through self actualization.
Remember, you are on a journey too.

If you don't say anything, you are as enabling as she is when she says nothing to her alcoholic fiancee. If you decide to not expect your friend to take responsibility for the success of her own life, you are no different from she when she refuses to expect her fiancee to take responsibility for his.

God is watching. In you he has given you the gift of free will. You have a choice to deny or embrace your truth.

The bible says, "The truth shall set you free", and I am living and breathing proof that that is so.

Good luck to you Lorraine, and it is my wish you learn to let go of your crippling fears so that you are able to do what it is God needs you to do right where you are. You are his helper. God doesn't show up at our kitchen tables in the morning. He shows up in the people in our lives. You are where you are for a reason. Perhaps it is the spirit of God in you that is begging you to pay attention, so that you can help your friend not make this mistake.

Think higher Lorraine. If my theory is correct, if you honor your spirit, this might help your friend honor hers. In turn her refusing to enable her fiancee, may actually help him wake up once and for all. If he wakes up, maybe then some of his drinking buddies might too. Love is a circle.: A complete 360 when it is in its purest form

God Bless and let me know how it goes.

Lisa