How to Stop a Tantrum in 15 Minutes

Tantrums are any parent's worst nightmare and just as every child is unique in personality so are their tantrums. Tantrums can range from the very mild such as the child appearing to irritable and whiny to the very severe when the child poses as a threat to himself or to others. Tantrums not only come with a considerable amount of conflict they are also very embarrassing. If not handled correctly tantrums can heighten and last for hours placing a great deal of stress on the caretaker and child. There are some very easy ways to quickly curb a tantrum anywhere whether it be in the home, outside at the park, or in a grocery store and these ways are shown below.

- The first thing you should do is remain calm and observe the situation. Do not react or say anything right away. You are simply an observer. Think of yourself as a composed detective. You have to find out all the details and put them together in order to approach and then understand the situation. Take a look at your child. What might have caused the tantrum? Is your child in the way of danger or in a position where he places danger on others?

- Approach your child. Literally get down to their level and calmly ask what is wrong. Your child might be screaming and yelling at this point and you must fight back the urge to do the same. Remember that your child is looking for help. If the child screams and kicks while you are asking him what is wrong then explain to him that you cannot help him because you cannot understand him. Kindly remind him to use his big boy/girl words so that you can better understand him. If the child continues to scream and yell let him know that you will leave and that when he is ready to talk like a big boy or a big girl then come to find you. Once you say that to your child leave right away. Do not hang around and keep repeating yourself. Make sure your child is out of harms way and just leave. Do busy yourself in the next room over. Do not lock your child in the bedroom however, if the child is very destructive he should be kept in an area where he cannot hurt himself or others. If you separate yourself from your child he should come to you within 15 minutes and approach you.

- Now that your child has come to you, you want to take the next step which is to empathize. Having empathy is really important it tells the child that he is important and special to you. It says to the child that, I care how you feel. If you do not approach the child with empathy he will start the whole tantrum over again. Remember your child just wants help. He wants someone to listen. To show empathy you look the child in the eyes. Kindly and gently place your hand on his arm or place your hand in his and ask him what is wrong. Do not be firm with the child. Be very kind. Your words should fall freely and sweetly from your mouth. When you respond positively like this you open up the gateway for communication with your child. You show your child that when I am upset I can go to mom or dad (or whatever your relationship is to the child) and they will help me. They will make me feel better.

The child should open up at this point and tell you what is wrong. Be sure to listen and not interrupt the child as he speaks. As the child is speaking nod your head and show that you are listening. You want to be sure not to use a lot of you statements when talking to the child. Make sure you use "I" statements such as; "I understand that you are upset and I know how you feel."

- Now that you have stabilized the peace your work is not done. You must now take all that you have observed and come to a solution. Finding a solution is usually not that hard; it can be simple as the child being hungry and you feeding him, a child not wanting to leave a facility and you coaxing him telling him that you will come back, you accidentally putting away your child's favorite toy, or the child is upset that he did not get a turn in a game. Children throw tantrums for many different reasons but one thing remains constant there is always a solution.

Work with the child to come to a solution, you might have to do a little negotiating for instance if the child threw a tantrum because he wanted more computer time let the child know, "I know that you are upset because you want to play longer on the computer but now is the time to turn the computer off. You can play the computer tomorrow or maybe later on if you can be a big girl/boy." Sometimes children just want to hear that there is a possibility that they can do something. Many times they will forget about the very thing they threw a tantrum over. If they are in the store and want a toy that you do not have money for you can say something to the effect, "Sweetie I know that you really want the toy. The toy does look like a lot of fun but mommy/daddy does not have the money to buy it right now. If mommy/daddy takes the toy without paying for it we will get into a lot of trouble. We could get in trouble by the police and go to jail" You can use a little rational logic to help the child understand why he cannot get certain things. Remember children don't think like adults. They don't balance a budget. They don't know what a budget is like or what time constraints mean. You have to use patience and explanation to get them going.

- The last step is to seal the deal with a supportive lesson. Let the child know the following, "I know that you are very upset but I need you to use your big girl/boy words when you get upset so that I can help you. I can help you whenever you have a problem." Give your child a kiss and a hug and remind them to use their words when they get upset. Be sure to remind them that you will be there to help.

There is no magic way to stop tantrums and depending on the child's temperament it might take the child longer than 15 minutes to come out of a tantrum. Consistence in how you respond to tantrums can lessen the chances that they occur. The key to shorten tantrums is to have patience, an eye for detail, problem solving skills and empathy. Parents must remember to remain consistent and the results will manifest themselves.