How to Stop Your Teenage Boy from Joining a Gang

Throughout the nation's headlines we can see that gang-related disturbances and crimes are on the rise. With our teens now more than ever being tempted to join gangs, it has become our duty, as parents and other responsible citizens, to do the best we can to take the lead and join our teens in the struggle against malicious gangs. As a former gang member myself, whose parents were there for me every step of the way when I made mistake after mistake because of that choice, I believe that I can shed some light on how to handle and resolve this challenging situation from both sides, the teenage boy and his parents.

My background is rather simple. I grew up in a sleepy, small town in Texas, and I was bright for my age. I was also quite socially awkward, preferring the confines of my home and my room to anywhere else since I was always questioning myself and worried that I would fumble my words and look stupid if I tried to socialize. Needless to say, I didn't have many friends early on. My parents generally accepted my anti-social behavior because I didn't outwardly portray it to them. To them, I seemed like a normal boy, but, at school, I was the social outcast. No matter what anyone tells you, being the social outcast is not very much fun, and it was especially painful to me since I had to endure it on nearly a daily basis. Now, again, my parents didn't realize this because I chose to actively hide this fact from them. I was embarrassed. I didn't want to talk to them about the fact that I had no friends, and honestly, who does? I stayed this way till high school.

Then, one day, I was hanging out by myself in the foyer area after lunch when another boy came up and started talking with me. A school troublemaker, an underachiever, but, he still talked to me. I couldn't help but talk with him, and I found out that we had quite a few mutual interests, for instance we both enjoyed playing video games. Well, that one conversation after lunch led to another, and then another, and another, until we considered each other friends. Now, during the course of all this, I had started to hang out with his own friends, including his brother, all of which were local troublemakers in and out of school. However, because they were my friends now, I didn't mind their behavior and actions all that much, I was just happy to hang out and talk with people that shared some of my interests. In fact, the more I hung out with them, the more interested I became in participating in some of the nefarious activities they did because I wanted to become popular with them, become liked and respected in the niche. All this was under my parents' radar, in fact, they were happy to see me making friends and going out to socialize more.

Without revealing too much, we did some crazy stuff back then. Ranging from stealing and burning our high school's textbooks, defacing and vandalizing school property (including going into one classroom and peeing everywhere in it), throwing egg and flour bombs at the pep rallies, cheating on assignments and other work (which netted me a few zeros when caught), just all around disrespect for authority, and a lot of other things I'm too embarrassed now to mention. After my grades dipped significantly (due to those zeros), my parents took notice of what was going on and started talking to me about it. Initially, of course, I was apprehensive toward the subject, they were my friends and we did what we felt like doing. However, my parents were not the ones to back down and, now, I thank them for their determination. The major trouble we started getting into and the talks began when I was a junior in high school. They wouldn't end until I was a freshman in college.

My parents began talking to me about it as casual conversation, they never showed anger toward me. What they did show was concern, I could tell. They constantly reinforced the notion that they loved me by telling me that all the time. Every day they would ask how my day went, and they would take an interest in everything that I said. They never made me feel unwelcome at home simply because of the changes I had undergone. I feel that this was key toward me getting out of that downward spiral honestly. Even though I still wanted to be liked by my fellow gang friends, I also had this growing feeling of wanting to not make my parents sad, and I knew that what I was doing, if they ever found out the full extent of it, would crush them. For a while, I was leading a double life, one where I was a regular bad-ass, and the other where I was the cared for son of loving parents that wanted to reciprocate that care. I couldn't let them in on my other life. It would hurt them too bad.

This went on for about a year, each day that passed I receded just a little from the gang life. Each day I did a little less and tried a little harder for my parents. My parents rewarded my good behavior with them by spending time with me. They didn't buy me expensive things per se and say "good job" and be done with it. No, what they did was take me out to eat, take me out to shows with them, take me on vacations which now sprung up whenever the opportunity arose. They let me get to know them like I had never experienced before, and let me into their own lives, what they did right, what they had done wrong. Also, it wasn't in the form of "when I was your age, I did this and this and this wrong, and you shouldn't do these things", but rather they told me their life story in a way and asked my opinion on it, and they let me voice my own thoughts on their personal struggles. I feel that that was the best thing they could have done. I learned not from them teaching me, but from them giving me the opportunity to experience their own life through their words mixed with my thoughts. They gave me the perfect chance to grow, and I did.

By the end of my senior year, I was still friends with all my old gang friends, but I didn't participate in their bad behavior anymore. I sat out, because I knew the rest of my life was coming up fast, from my parents, and it just didn't seem worth it to me anymore to be bad. My parents made it feel like it was almost a phase, and that it could end with high school, that it could end my senior year, and, it did. I graduated high school and moved to a nearby town where I attended a Christian college. Now, in no means am I saying that religion had anything to do with my transition from gang member to who I am today, but my parents were Christian, and their beliefs were kind to me. A similar belief that isn't Christian could also be kind to your teenage boy, but the key is that they are indeed kind to him. Now, here I am, a struggling writer, a college graduate, poor, but the happiest I've ever been. I have my own apartment, and I live with the love of my life, all possible because I made the decision to not stay with the gang who basically still roams my podunk hometown. All that possible with my parents help. I couldn't have done it without them. Thank you dad. Thank you mom. You mean the world to me.

That was my side of the story. What I feel that parents need to look for in their own teenage boy, who I am by no means putting myself as the standard to which they are measured, but merely as a helpful guide to teaching them some of the tricks my parents used for me, are a couple of key areas of concentration. Here they are:

Antisocial Behavior:

I joined a gang because I was an outcast who wanted friends. Gangs typically go after these kind of boys simply because they're an easy target. Sure, the intent might be all well and good, a member of the gang has similar interests to your teenager, just like what happened to me, but this is just the beginning. The psychology of being in a group in general is to become popular and liked in that group, that's the way teenage groups and, frankly, adult groups work. So if the group is a gang, and a malicious one at that, then becoming popular and liked means doing bad things, and that means your teenager will slowly succumb to the pressures of gang no matter how straight-edge they are before.

Some key things to look for is if your teenage boy is antisocial and then suddenly becomes social and starts hanging out with new friends a lot. This is a clear indicator that he just got accepted into a group of teenagers, and it is important that you know what groups your teenager is hanging out with. It's entirely possible that he's running with a good group, but it is also likely he's running with a bad crowd. Take an interest in your teenage boy's friends. Show concern. Don't be angry, don't be suspicious, just be concerned about their life. They are your teenage son after all. Concern was key to my parents helping me, and I know it will help you help your own teenage boy.

Also, try to break his antisocial behavior before he is inducted into a group. Take him out with you, talk with him constantly, about anything. Ask his opinion, ask what he's thinking, take an interest in him. If he breaks his own antisocial behavior before being inducted into a group, he'll have a higher self-esteem and more confidence which means he can turn down invitations to bad crowds. Not only that, he'll be the one initiating the assimilation into a group rather than the group seeking him out. If he's in control of what group he joins, odds are he'll join a good one. If not, he'll accept whatever group he gets sucked into.

Show Concern:

I feel the need to especially highlight this point since a lot of parents these days are sometimes too busy to spend quality time with their kids. I cannot stress enough how important it is to show concern when it comes to your teenagers. Show them you care about them. One of the best and easiest ways to do this is to tell them that you love them on a regular, daily basis. They should hear it from you everyday. Whether it is right before they leave for school, or right before they go to bed, you need to reinforce the fact that you love them. It makes a world of difference, I would know.

Not only that, it is important that if your teenager does fall into some bad behavior that you don't blow up at them or become intensely angry at them. Being angry never solved anything, and it certainly won't help your teenager to see you like that. Stay calm, collected, and continue to push to get to know them. Continue to show an interest in them, even if they're being bad. Stick with it and don't give up. Nothing hurts a teenager quite like their parent giving up on them just because they're being bad. If you give up on them now, you might never get them back, so don't do it, no matter how tempting it is to throw in the towel.

As also taken from my story, spend as much time with them as possible. Take them out to eat and plan to do fun things with them. While you're out with them, talk about your life with them. It's okay to humble yourself just a little in front of your kid, it shows that you're human too. Don't make the mistake of trying to be the "perfect" role model for them that they feel they can't ever live up to. If they feel they can't live up to the standards you have, they might just quit trying altogether and that's not what you want. So lower the bar a little, tell them it's okay to mess up every once and a while, and let them see that you're not perfect either.

In conclusion:

I hope what I've said here, and the story that I've shared about myself and my own personal struggles, will resonate with all the parents out there reading this for advice on this complicated matter. This is by no means a comprehensive list of do's and don'ts to parenting with a rebellious teenager or trouble child, and I invite you to add your own personal touch to it. In fact, I recommend it because we're all different and facing different situations in life. I feel, though, that this is a good foundation to start on, and I hope you use it as such.

If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an e-mail!