How to Stop Telemarketers in Their Tracks

You've had a long day. You had to smile as your boss yelled at you in front of all your coworkers. You had to calmly explain to him step by step, once again, that everything was ready for his vacation and had been set for weeks. You missed lunch just to verify everything in his presence. You stayed late to explain it again to his wife over the phone and wound up stuck in traffic as a result.

You had to settle for a frozen dinner because you had no time left to shop or to cook. Maybe you have a family or maybe you don't, but you really could use some alone time and then the phone rings. You half-expect it to be the boss again, but no--it's a telemarketer!

You can feel the blood radiate to your face and ears making them hot. You can feel the prickly sweat rising up your back. Your heart beats faster uncontrollably, but you don't want to yell at a total stranger because that's the first stage of losing control and you're smarter than that. You didn't keep a job with a world-class jerk for this long without learning that outbursts are unproductive and self-defeating, but you really would rather not be at the mercy of yet another taker of your time.

"Is this a sales call?" You ask as sweet as you please hoping to politely decline the two-in-one juicer or new-lower-rate-calling-plan. "No," replies the scripted-salesperson. You figure they must have some loophole explanation that allows them to qualify a phone call as solicitation to sell, but not a sales call itself. It's a fine point that is completely lost on you at the moment. The speaker asks if you're the head of the household and you contemplate being a smart ass and saying that you're only the head of the apartment, but that would require more energy than you have.

You try to picture the caller: someone at a desk, in a cubicle, surrounded by dozens of other cubicle workers all trying to make their quotas for the day and win their weekly bonuses. The empty tone of voice is always the same, pounded into them by sheer repetition. How does one stop these faceless automatons? They have a job to do too, but they must have rules to follow. They can push their product with their sneaky tactics, but they can't harass people who don't want to be called, can they? You realize you should've checked the caller I.D. or paid for one of those call zappers that erases your number from telemarketer databases and that's when it hits you!

You speak very calmly into the phone right in the middle of the speech about how for only $59.95 a month you can get the super-duper-something-or-other, "Excuse me, but can you take my number of your call list, please."

And without even a pause the caller responds, "right away, thank you for your time" and hangs up presumably to get to the next person on the list so they can try to win the weekly set of golf tees or stainless steel toenail clippers.

Your dinner is ready and you're finally in charge.