How to Stop Walking on Eggshells with Loved Ones and Co-Workers

Someone you know, even love, walks into the room, your pulse quickens and the mind begins to race, worse it is overcome by dread. You're uncertain what to say or do, but you know you are supposed to do something. Is it the right thing? How will he react? Will my own personal Armageddon ensue?

You just know you'll say the wrong thing, she'll cut you to shreds with her silence or a fit of anger will crack the very foundation with which you stand, in addition to a few dishes.

Stop. Breathe.

Though you may feel as if you are walking on eggshells, there is solid earth below. The key is learning why you feel the way you do and to make decisions on the relationship that promote your own well-being.

What is the cause of your feelings?
While you may feel like you're walking on eggshells around a particular individual, some people experience this sensation in many relationships and circumstances.

It helps to determine whether the source of insecurity, fear and unpredictability originates from the inside or out, or both. Then you can better assess what is needed to overcome, or at least manage, these feelings.

Internal Insecurity and Walking on Eggshells
If you are 'comfortable in your own skin,' as they say, then the problem is more likely external, though you may need to engage in new coping skills and decision making.

For some people, however, the feeling of walking on eggshells began in childhood, whereas life was unpredictable and the home environment insecure.

Some examples include childhoods filled with alcoholism, mental illness, abuse or neglect. While feelings of insecurity are better recognized in these situations, the instability may have been much less obvious then this.

Placing blame is not the reason to explore your childhood for these insecure feelings. But, identifying why you feel the way you do will help you better care for yourself.

Of note, many examples of poor parenting exist and some parents love their children very much but otherwise do not provide a great sense of security. Yet, somehow many children thrive and maintain their self-worth while others feel more vulnerable.

If you generally feel insecure, it is more difficult to deal with the feeling of walking on eggshells, but remember you are not alone and these feelings can be managed.

External Sources of Walking on Eggshells
Maybe you get along rather well with people and with life in general, but a loved one, co-worker or authority figure elicits this sense of irregularity. You may be as paralyzed as a deer caught in headlights or run around haphazardly, as if the president and his entourage just showed up for dinner.

Some behaviors, like fits of rage, abuse and severe mood swings are obvious causes of distress and would make anyone feel nervous and unstable.

Other instances are less obvious, be it passive-aggressive behavior, guilt-laden communication or condescending attitudes. These may even occur with enough subtlety to make you feel uneasy but without an understanding of why.

How to Stop Walking on Eggshells
This writer has walked on enough eggshells to wonder if I was a chicken in a former life. Yet, I have learned to better adjust and put myself in circumstances that are reasonably secure and predictable, insomuch as is possible. This is easier said then done and does takes some homework.

A blanket response doesn't exist for ending the dreadful feeling. It's quite different to walk on eggshells around a loved one than it is with a co-worker. Further, it makes a difference when the behaviors are not purposeful, say mood swings from mental illness versus self-induced forms such as alcoholism.

The following assessments may lead you to ending your tightrope walk.

--What do I really fear from their behavior?
Ask this question down to the bottom-line. Example Q and A: What do I fear? I fear anger. What do you fear about the anger? She may punish me/break something/ leave the relationship. What are the ultimate consequences you fear if she does this? Are they tangible (e.g. fear of injury, loss of income) or intangible (e.g. yelling makes me nervous)?

--What is the worse that can happen if I don't appease/accommodate this person?
As bad as walking on eggshells feels, it is not as bad as losing your self-respect and the feeling is often out of proportion to any real danger.

While physical and verbal abuse or reckless endangerment should never be tolerated, disappointment, embarrassment, fear of being unliked, fear of abandonment, and similar consequences will not destroy you.

Remember, feelings alone can not harm you unless you let them and continue to put up with negative behavior. And the consequences may be a blessing in disguise.

If, for example, you ultimately get fired, abandoned or ignored, maybe it is the best thing that the relationship ends. Much more harm will result if you lose your sense of self-respect and self-worth by staying in a no-win situation.

--Is the person willing to change and can they?
Some relationships are a lost cause and people do not change very readily but that does not mean you have to put up with negative behavior. While the other person is responsible for their behavior, you can begin dealing with your own by setting boundaries and consequences for unkind, unpredictable actions.

--Am I willing to set boundaries and accept the consequences?
You may need help with boundary setting, including from a professional or some of the sources listed below. Boundary setting is not easy when unpracticed and often not well received by others, at first.

But if the other person values the relationship and has the capacity to recognize their part in the matter, they may come around quite surprisingly.

If the feeling of walking on eggshells extends to other unreasonable behaviors such as guilt trips, verbal mistreatment, unreasonable expectations, and you're at your wits end, you may consider a written contract. This can include how both parties will treat each other and consequences for the failure to do so. This attacks the behavior, not the person, in black and white and shows your commitment to being treated with respect.

--Is this relationship necessary?
Productive choices include ending the relationship or staying in it while you set boundaries. Note that some relationships seem essential when in fact they are not.

Alternative Empowerments to Walking on Eggshells

--Therapy: Can be short-term such as cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills and boundary setting.
--Self-independence: Learn to rely on yourself more and consider financial, hobby, educational and socialization areas.
--Positive relationships: Keep good company but don't depend on them as an affirmation of your self-worth.
--Affirmations: "I'm worthwhile and I deserve respect." Find ones that work for you and repeat daily several times. You will begin to believe it.
--Support groups: Find one to match your circumstances (e.g. caretakers, Al-anon, single parenting)
--Self-help books: Sources of affirmations, boundary setting, dealing with difficult people etc.

It may sound like a tall order, and it is, but once difficult decisions are made it is very liberating, and the more you respect yourself, others will follow suit.

Note: If you find yourself in an abusive or erratic situation that endangers your well-being, the only safe alternative is to remove yourself from the person physically and consult a professional or your personal physician for a recommendation.