How to Get a Stranger's Kids to Behave When They Are Brats or Worse

Every day, it seems, we all come in contact with bratty kids that don't belong to us. Now, when I was a kid, this wasn't a problem; my brothers and I didn't dare misbehave because we knew one of the old folks in the community would report back to our parents or grandparents, and we'd get it. But kids today seem to just do what they want.

Why? Mostly because they are given permission to do what they want by overly-permissive parents. In my opinion, not setting and enforcing rules and boundaries for your children -- not civilizing them -- is one of the worst kinds of child abuse. Children want rules, and need them, despite the slammed doors and hurt feelings. Like a well-trimmed tree, a child with structure is likely to thrive.

That doesn't eliminate those that run wild through society, of course. Do you feel powerless against the hordes of permissive parents and their brats? You're not. There are several things you can do to "encourage" bratty kids that belong to strangers to behave around you.

1. The Eye. This tried-and-true technique still works sometimes on kids. Catch the miscreant's eye and glare at him. Especially with younger children, just knowing that an adult is taking notice and disapproving of their behavior can be enough to straighten them up.

2. Speak to the parent. This is a chancy thing, but if the child is putting himself or others at risk, the parent may listen to an argument from that angle. If it becomes clear that the parent is not going to listen, stop and go on to the next step, #3:

3. Complain. Remember, often the problem with these kids isn't with the kid at all, but with the parents. Whether you're at a store, in an apartment complex, or in church, someone else is in charge of the area -- and that someone else isn't likely to want a lawsuit. So talk to the manager or person in charge, and make it clear to them that the behavior of the other child is endangering your children or themselves. When you point out the liability aspect, you're going to get a reaction, and the other parent will have a few things made clear to them.

4. In your house, your word is law. Children need to realize that they are guests, but sometimes poor parenting leads to very bad guest behavior. In my case, one child who comes to my house has been barred from every other house in the neighborhood due to his behavior. Here, I laid the rules out clearly for him and, more importantly, enforced them without exceptions. After a few confrontations, which I handled with gritted teeth and love in my heart, he behaves quite nicely here, and clashes between my kids and him are rare.

5. When the parent isn't around, don't hesitate. I used to live right behind a playground, and I was the neighborhood playground police. The kids all came to me when there was trouble, when one kid was using bad language, when kids were vandalizing equipment. There had been a problem in that park; after I started calling the (very grateful and helpful) police every time there was a serious issue, the older teens found a different hangout. And when I confronted the younger children about their language and bullying and let them know that next time they'd be introducing me to their parents, that behavior became rare.

6. Treat the kids like adults. If you condescend to kids when you correct them, you get the disrespect you give them right back. If, on the other hand, you make it clear that you know they are old enough to take some responsibility for their own behavior, they will listen to you. Some will even look to you as a role model.

7. Don't be too afraid of other parents. If they don't have the gumption to discipline their own children, they are unlikely to do more than give you a dirty look. If they threaten you, and you are protecting your own children, don't hesitate to call the cops. They have little patience with people who won't discipline their children, as they too often have to deal with the results.

8. Always remember that you are setting an example for your own children. If you don't correct the behavior of other children, you are showing your child how to behave. In addition, if you don't stop bullies around your child, you're teaching her that she is powerless against them too.

9. Don't overprotect your child. If you see some bullying going on directed at your child, don't step in until you see how your child is going to handle it. This does two things: it gives you information about what your child may need to learn, and it lets the bully know that just because you don't appear right away doesn't mean you aren't going to appear.

10. Never lose your temper. The old wisdom is that when you lose your temper while dealing with a child, the child wins. Stay calm, remain an adult role model, and let the child know calmly and respectfully what the problem is with his behavior. If the parent magically appears during this, you can back out right away and, most likely, avoid confrontation with the adult because you have not been nasty to the child.

11. NEVER touch the child, especially if you are male. This can get you into much more trouble than it's worth. The exception -- keeping a child from beating the tar out of your child. In any situation when you are forced to touch the child, call the police for your own protection. There are far too many parents ready to call molestation for you not to. Even if they don't come out, you have an official record of the incident. If there's any damage to anyone or anything, take pictures and mail them to yourself, leaving them in the unopened envelope, so you have a dated record of the incident through the postdate.

To let you know how serious this is, paramedics are instructed to never start CPR on a child with the parent present without explaining to the parent what they are doing. Parents have been known to attack paramedics in an emergency because they think the paramedic is molesting the child. Once more: never, ever touch the child without dire reason.

12. Don't make it a habit. You should never have to call down another person's child once. After that, it should be the parent doing the job. If she isn't, talk to other authorities who can make her: apartment management, school principals, even the police if you must go that far.

13. Maintain a creative approach to managing children. One of my favorite stories comes from a dear friend, who was in a store with his mother. He's a fairly intimidating gentleman, a police officer who was at the time off duty. There were two children tearing up and down the aisles, and multiple customers were giving them the Eye, to no avail. At last, when the two raced toward her yet again, she gave them the Eye, grabbed my friend, and hissed, "Beat their asses!"

The kids screeched to a halt and, staring over their shoulders, slunk away. No more trouble.