How to Strengthen Your Marriage While Your Husband is Deployed: The Plight of Military Wives

Due to the state of affairs overseas and our involvement in them, many men and women in America are forced to learn the role of long-distance spouse. New generations of families are discovering how to function while separated for extensive amounts of time. What if there were ways to not only maintain a healthy marriage, but to actually grow it? Divorce is becoming more and more common. A disconnect can occur when a spouse returns home after a year absence and the two (who had previously become one) feel separate, as if they don't even know each other. Time changes people; it is important to still get to know one another while separated. War changes people; it is vital that you support your spouse in their struggles, even if you have to do it from across the ocean. You can grow your communication and marriage while away from one another; try not to think of it as your lives on pause. I speak from experience; I am a professional long-distance wife. During my husband's second deployment (this one lasting 15 months) I developed the following principles in seven areas that honored and blessed him, making an enormous difference to him and to our marriage.

Being a Best Friend

Whether you and your husband were best friends at one time or not, it is important that while he is away you make him feel that he has that role in your life. A best friend is someone you tell almost everything to, the first person you call when something happens. They are the one you rely on to help you through hard times. While your husband is away, keep him informed of the things that are happening to you. If something crazy or exciting transpires, send him an e-mail or call him if you can. Let him be the first one that you tell things to. This will make your husband feel like he still has a position of prominence in your life. If you don't get to talk to him often get in the habit of writing down brief notes in a journal (or you can store them on your cell phone) that you can share with him when you do finally get to speak with him. Don't allow him to feel that he is missing out on more of your life than he has to.

Still a Decision Maker

When your husband was with you, hopefully you and he made family decisions together. As a man, and as the head of the household, your husband still needs to feel that you lean on him for decisions, important or otherwise. He has a huge need as a man to provide for and protect his wife and children. He needs to be needed. If you live your life and make all the decisions independently of him while he is away, it sends the unintentional message that you actually don't need him in your life. That is a tough blow for a man and it can even be read as you not wanting him in your life. Bring issues and choices to him. Whether it is when to get the tires changed, which plumber to use, how to deal with a difficult boss, budgeting concerns, or what afterschool activities to allow the kids to join, let him have a say in it (most of the times it needs to be the final say). This communicates to your husband that you respect him. Always thank your husband for the emotional and financial support he is giving you. He needs to know that his paycheck makes a difference, that his time spent listening to you is valuable to you.

Tailored Reminders of Your Love

Throughout your time apart, show him that he never leaves your thoughts by sending him reminders of your love. He probably will not only appreciate gifts and cards on his birthday, Christmas and Valentine's, but he may also welcome smaller gestures throughout your separation. Sending him packages that include underwear, socks, and a restock on his favorite candy let him know that you care about even his daily routine. Consider his health needs: would it be helpful if he had more allergy medicine, an air purifier for his room, antibacterial wipes or antibiotic ointment? Consider his leisure time and comfort: would a new pillow or the latest magazine only available in America, or a set of DVDs of his favorite show make him feel better? Send him packages at consistent intervals; you are automatically communicating your concern for him. When you are out shopping and you see a watch, shirt, or some device that he would love, purchase it if you can. He may not need it where he is, but you can certainly send him a picture of it and tell him that it will be waiting on him when he gets home. Your husband will feel honored that you don't stop thinking about him and doing things for him. Most military personnel get a lot of attention when they first deploy (e-mails and care packages from family and friends galore) and when they are about to return (excitement and communication increase) but they feel a huge void in the hard middle months of deployment. During this time it is important to be consistent and to encourage his other friends and family to e-mail him or send him things.

Conversation Creation

If your husband is far away from you, and especially if he is in a war zone, he needs to be able to get e-mails and letters from you and talk with you on the phone about positive things. He deals with his situation everyday so be sure that when you talk to him you don't only talk about what is going on with him over there. Update him on the lives of family and friends. Talk about the good things that are happening to you. Tell him jokes and funny stories that you have heard. Talk about the future often. Update him on how his favorite NFL, college, or NBA team is doing. Take note of some of the highlights of the game (SportsCenter and the Internet are great resources) and recap to him who did what. Tell him the awesome thing your child did the other day. Take notes when you talk to your husband. If he tells you something interesting or if he talks about some plans he has for another day, write it down or commit it to memory and ask him about those things again the next time you talk to him. This will make him feel special, even if he doesn't say it. Due to the uncertain nature of overseas phone connections, start every conversation with the fact that you love him and miss him. You don't know how long you will get to talk with him that day. Don't immediately hop into negative stuff or gripe at him because of something he did (or forgot to do). Remain upbeat as much as possible. He will look forward to your conversations and he will recall them when he is feeling down.

Phone and E-mail Prayers

Pray for your husband, and let him know you are praying for him. While on the phone with him, or through e-mail or internet chat, pray for his protection, his peace, his thoughts and fears. Pray for his health, stamina, and alertness. Pray for his relationships with his co-workers and his commanders. If he is in a leadership position, pray over his ability to lead justly and to lead well. Pray for the people under him. Encourage your husband to pray. Prayers don't have to be "perfect". There is no such thing. When talking to God you can say exactly what you feel in the moment; word things the way you naturally word them. God understands our hearts before we even speak a word, so don't fear that you are not being heard because of the way you say something.

Validating His Emotions

Don't dismiss the things he is telling you just because they may be hard to hear. Validate his emotions by listening to him and drawing out how he feels and how things are affecting him. The trick is to not let him dwell on negative things too long. Try to understand his position as much as possible. Sympathize with him and cry with him. Give him time to express himself and to relay to you the significance of certain events. Once you have acknowledged his feelings on things, try to shift to a solution, where applicable, or a different topic altogether. Certain events may take him a while to work through; don't be impatient, just be there to listen and to offer feedback when it is needed. Remember to always move from dwelling on sadness or complaints to something that is generally more peaceful and light.

Plans Worth Looking Forward To

While away, make plans with your husband that you can both look forward to whether it be saving for the motorcycle he wants, making renovations on the house, moving from your apartment to a house, or going on a family vacation or romantic getaway. This subconsciously shifts his mind from the dangerous environment he may be in to the things he is going to do when he gets back. Our thoughts can be our ally or our enemy. If he has negative thoughts like, "if I ever get out of here, I...", then by making plans with him, his thoughts may slowly turn to something less harmful like wondering if there will be enough money to purchase the new motorcycle or drum set he wants. Gradually he will start to think more and more positively as you talk about the future. Eventually he will start envisioning himself on his new bike, or in the new apartment complex you sent him pictures of, etc. Positive thoughts, about things to look forward to, are a valuable partner in overcoming a tough situation.

When your husband returns home follow through with your positive plans and don't stop utilizing the methods above. They can strengthen your union even when you live in the same home.