How to Get Stressed Out

Think about this: Is stress really all that bad? Maybe stress is simply just misunderstood. Perhaps stress is a good thing. After all, you may want to consider the facts. If stress didn't exist, people would be overly nice and nauseatingly content. Now, honestly, who wants to live in a world like that? I have taken the time to put together a collection of simple techniques to help you increase the stress levels within both you and those around you. I have separated this article into three separate parts: Increasing your stress levels in life, increasing your stress levels in the workplace, and increasing your stress levels in your health. I hope you will find these techniques useful.

Part I - Increasing Your Stress Levels in Life
Here are a few great ways to start increasing your stress levels financially, socially, and around the house.

Begin increasing your stress levels financially by, buying small, expensive items that are easily lost. Better yet, consider buying large, expensive items and finding different ways to loose them. Apply for as many credit cards as you can and max them all out. Then, get more credit cards and do the same. If for any reason you start to feel down and think no one cares about you anymore, just try missing a couple of car payments. At the grocery store, or anywhere you spend money for that matter, make sure to avoid from having the correct change for anything. Never resist an impulse buy, by any means. Finally, when shopping for clothes and shoes, always buy shoes one size too small... you know, just in case.

After reading an article the other day, I learned that people with pets tend to live longer. With that last sentence in mind, whatever you do, do NOT get a pet. You may also want to consider encouraging your neighbors' and friends' pets to run away as well.

The three smoking steps: (1) Smoke, (2) Smoke cigars, (3) Smoke cigars in "No Smoking" areas. Speaking of breathing, did you know that the faster you breathe the more air you get? Get one up on those around you by breathing faster. After all, you are breathing air that should rightfully be theirs... and they can't do anything about it.

Honesty is the best policy, so be honest, all the time, with everyone, and about everything. Actually, I take that back, you should lie too --- all the time, with everyone, and about everything.

Always make sure you are late for everything, for example, doctor's appointments, birthday parties, and job interviews.

When traveling, be sure to keep in mind that foreigners can understand English only if you talk slowly and loudly.

It is a good idea to choose friends that you do not like. Try to always surround yourself with the worst possible people. Never forgive people... forgiving is a sign of weakness. While we are on the topic of discussing weaknesses, never cry either... this is also a sign of weakness. Oh! Also, never return anything you borrow. Everyone knows that communication is the key to keeping friends around. Find out when your friends' favorite television program is on, then call them a few minutes after it starts. When arguing with friends, always make sure you have the last word.

Gentlemen, ask single ladies if they have a boyfriend yet. (Repeat on Valentine's Day.) Ladies... let's say you are enjoying a physical relationship with a new man, give it a few weeks and then tell him you've missed your period. This information is best left on his voice mail or answering machine. Ladies and gentlemen: When you go out on a date to see a movie, upon exiting the theater, if there is a long line of people waiting to go in, it is appropriate to loudly discuss the ending of the movie. In a way, you are saving them all time. Finally, get married as soon and as often as possible.

At home, choose a short lease and move as often as possible. Put empty milk cartons back in the refrigerator. Whenever given the opportunity, shake up cans of carbonated beverages and leave them for others to open. Before going to bed, you should write down a list of your worries and be sure to read the list just before falling asleep.

Part II - Increasing Your Stress Levels in the Workplace
In the mornings, while getting ready for work, watch the news. News, in general, is negative, therefore it is the best way to start off your work day. While brushing your teeth, squeeze the tube of toothpaste from the middle and never replace the cap.

An excellent way to feel tired and irritable is to always get to work late. You can also increase your stress levels at work by taking credit for successes that have nothing to do with you.

When driving to and from work, don't forget to always travel during rush hour. Also, when driving, be sure to switch lanes as often as possible and never use your turn signal. When you are the first car in line at a traffic light, try to miss the green light at least twice. Oh yeah, and don't forget, when out driving, always seize the opportunity to box someone in by parking unreasonably close to their car.

If you don't have a job, consider becoming a junkie and get a job writing junk mail. Better yet, become a politician.

In the mornings, when you arrive (late) for work, switch the caffeinated and decaffeinated coffees around. (Come on, it will be funny.)

In any business encounter, always remember that the other person is out to screw you.

Finally, while typing your work, always be sure to use the smallest font size --- small print annoys everyone.

Part III - Increasing Your Stress Levels in Your Health
You can increase your stress levels in your health by eating as much junk food as possible and never taking a daily vitamin supplement. Learning to snore is also an excellent technique for increasing your stress levels.

Take note, worrying is meditation carried out by realists. After all, why meditate when you can worry?

Finally, never find time to cook a good, healthy, home-cooked meal. Fast food is best because it's easier and more expensive. The money shouldn't be an issue for you. What else did you work all that overtime for last week?

I hope after reading this article you have gained new insight to better techniques for stressing yourself out. One final rule to always keep in mind and live by is that the world revolves around you.