How a Stupid AC "Content Producer" Becomes a Valuable "Source"

Did you get the memo? Here's the direct quote: "Starting this week, Content Producers will be referred to as 'Sources.' We are making this change so that it will be clear to visitors that every contributor to Associated Content is a source for valuable information" (from the "Changes at AC" message sent March 13, 2009). I giggled when I read that. I was never entirely comfortable with the "Content Producer" label, but I find myself squirming even more now that I must pretend I'm a "source" of "valuable information." I am no such thing, and if AC hasn't realized it by now, they're a bunch of dummkopfs!

Goodness gracious, I've put out a couple of informative articles, but the vast majority of my published work on AC is...d'oh!...really, really silly. I don't want to be a professional-sounding "Source"! That's too much responsibility! Am I still allowed to be a "source" of stupid, funny, immature nonsense? I hope so!

I keep telling people I'm a writer. I swear I am. I'm writing right now. I don't know why AC doesn't want to call me a "writer." Is "writer" a dirty word? (It looks clean to me.) Since I'm making virtually no money on my writing, do I even deserve to be called a "writer"? AC doesn't think so. Hmm. I don't want to be a "Source," and AC doesn't want me to be a "Writer," so maybe I need some better options.

Couldn't we keep the familiar "CP" abbreviation? Only now, instead of claiming we're all "Content Producers," let's be honest. "CP" might stand for "Crud Producer," "Content Pisser," "Creative Pauper," "Crap Pusher," or, in rare cases, "Crazy Pumpkinhead," "Cranberry Pimplescar," or "Cuckoo Pencilfingers." (Cuckoo Pencilfingers is, no doubt, a source of misinformation and mayhem, but we all love her anyway.) I'd rather be an honest "Crap Pusher" than a highfalutin "Source" any day!

So, now that we've established we're all still "CP's," no matter what AC calls us, let's complicate things even more. I've been called a "CP" for eight months, and I've had it! I want the world to know that I'm an LDWHSIC, and proud of it! (That's short for "Literate Dork with a High-Speed Internet Connection." Hey, at least I'm not an IDWHSIC-"Illiterate Dork with a High-Speed Internet Connection.") Aren't most AC content producers/sources also LDWHSIC's? Don't we all deserve business cards with this official title printed under our pennames? The advantage of this god-awful acronym is that "content" and "source" are never mentioned. We're just a bunch of literate dorks, writing articles and posting photos, videos, and audio clips whenever we feel like it.

It's so low-pressure, operating from a "literate dork" mentality. No one can argue the fact that we're dorks who know how to read and write (we try hard, anyway), and no one assumes we're authoritative "sources" of anything special. That's the way it should be--LDWHSIC's united, producing crud, pissing content all over the internet, redefining "excellent source" along the way.

Oh, why can't I just accept the changes and "go with the flow" and show off my awesome AC Sourcery powers by publishing article after article after article of precious, top-secret information? I'll tell you why: As Cuckoo Pencilfingers once said, late at night, while sharpening her pencil-fingers, "Change is dumb. If I wanted to change, I'd change my name. Why would I change my name? That would be dumb."

AC might want to rethink their new "Information from the Source" tagline. That's all I'm saying. Idiotic Cranberry Pimplescars like me are not sources of valuable information.

Sources:
Me. I'm a "Source" now. Hahahahahahaha!

Recommended Reading (I'm a "Source of Valuable Information" now, so I can recommend whatever I want. Nanny, nanny, boo-boo!):
I had to change the title of this older article because AC renamed "Calls for Content" the same day they renamed "Content Producers." I like to make fun of AC because I love AC (mostly).