How to Succeed in College

I know there are lots of confused, wandering souls out there currently enlisted in the college ranks. Surely, your revolving thought process is filled with similar questions: What am I going to do once I graduate? How am I going to be able to balance schoolwork and relationships? Will I be able to make new friends?

Unfortunately, most of these questions do not have easy answers. Chances are, you'll never find what it is you love to do - or, at the very least, you won't be able to find a way to profit off of such a passion. As far as the relationship thing goes, it's basically a coin flip - after all, roughly 50% of American marriages end in divorce, so pick wisely and hope for the best.

There is a way, an easy way, to make new friends once you hit your campus. It's a very simple strategy, one that several people I know personally have used and thrived from. The solution can be shaved down to one carefree, social word: parties.

The key to success in college is how one adjusts during any given party. Anyone can find a way to pass a class: there's always the nerdy kid to cheat off of, or the wonder that is the Internet, where millions of college papers float aimlessly for days and days, begging for a home in exchange for a reasonable fee. It's almost like they're being given away!

Parties, not the classroom, are where you solidify and perfect the tools you need to get you through life: connections, social interactions, and alcohol.

The more kids you meet in college, the better. Never forget this. The quality of a college life depends on the quantity of friends. The more friends you have, the more connections you make, and the more connections you make, the better chance you have of lucking yourself into a glorious career path. For every seven kids who have trouble funneling a Pabst, there's one kid who not only can down the après-ski beer in four seconds flat, but also has the uncle who co-owns Olympia Sports and has a private jet used for the sole purpose of taking his fun-loving nephew to the Kentucky Derby every year. Search for this kid.

Parties are also the best chance you have of meeting a random soul mate. Men, remember that girls from Connecticut, southern New York, or the Los Angeles area are automatically the most attractive; women, always try to latch on to the most athletic boys you can find, because they are usually more interesting. If you luck out and marry into money, consider yourself a blessed product of this glorious system.

Lastly, but not leastly, there's alcohol. Alcohol is the one constant that will remain in your life long after your college career ends. Business transactions are done at a much speedier rate thanks to alcohol; two become one thanks to alcohol. If you don't drink, then say goodbye to your happiness, because the babe with the body just left with your boss on his boat. Hopefully, you started working the miracle drug before your college days, but even if you didn't, there's no need to worry, because the party - I mean, the college - process will give you plenty of opportunity to quench your thirst (it's also legal, a societal plus).

Follow these simple, basic guidelines, and you will be sure to live a happy, successful life. Refuse to obey these rules, and you will be an outcast forever. It's your decision.