How to Succeed with New Year's Resolutions

Every year millions of people make resolutions but very few succeed in long term change, read how you can increase your odds...

Planning for change is like much like my planning to write and article; I usually start with a list. In writing we call it brain storming. Make a list of the things you would like to change. Do you want a better relationship, to improve your fiances, lose some weight or find a new job? Go ahead and list all the possibilities. You can make your goals general at this point. For instance, they might include quit smoking, or be more organized.

Next, examine which ones are realistic. For example, I am interested in Quantum Physics, but it's not realistic for me to write about it without doing much more research. It would not be realistic for me to write an article on legal advice or medical advice. Decide which of your goals are realistic. Chances are you are not going to loose 100 pounds for that June Wedding dress without surgery, and you are not likely to double your pay check with just one job change, or promotion.

Next examine the motivation. Is it intrinsic or extrinsic? Intrinsic motivation is internal. This is something you really desire and are willing to exert the necessary energy to achieve. This is something for which you are willing to delay gratification in order to achieve. I think this is a place that some may people fall short. Yes, I want a college degree, but I am not will to give up the time hanging out with my friends to do it. Yes, I want a much different job, but I may not be willing to give up secure pay check at this time. And, you know what? That's okay. Nothing here is carved in granite and you can still explore. In a class on Mater Mind I discovered that just writing goals down had a benefit. Years later I pulled out the journal and 50 percents of those things on the list were checked off.

One of the questions I ask is "am I writing is it for my please and entertainment or is it for payment? " It is always easier to write for my own pleasure. When I have to consider the expectations it becomes more challenging. There are often more restrictions and less immediate gratification.

If your motivation is mostly extrinsic you are less likely to achieve these goals. The clue here is the word should. I know I should quit drinking, smoking, loose weight, or cheating my relationships. These values come from others in society. Your doctor tells you you should loose weight. But truthfully, I am not yet ready because I am getting pleasure out of eating. I may be using eating to meet other needs, which will make it harder to change those habits.

So, you may want to explore what you are getting out of the habit? All habits have a pay off. When there is no reward they become extinct. One good example here, is when a parent spends more quality time with their children, they are less manipulated by guilt. They become better parents and more able to say "no."
When a spouse spends more quality time with their partner, the partner becomes more confident and makes changes. All things are circular.

This is not saying you have to have only internal motivation to change. Many people have what we call mixed motivation. I know people who quit drinking because the judge made the recommendation, or had to get a better job to pay their child support, etc. There are times when one priority in life will lead to change other behaviors. For instance young parents will give up the time they spent with their friends to spend time with their children.

After examining which changes you are motivated to make pick one or two. Change is difficult and it is difficult for everyone. We are all at times prisoner to our habits and trying to change too many things at one time could be a recipe for disaster. It is overwhelming. One of the ways clinicians measure stress is by the number of life changes someone has going one. GAF or Global Assessment Functioning over 50 may require hospitalization. You want changes not a break down. Once you have succeed at your first goal you can go one to make new ones.

Don't necessarily pick the biggest challenge. This is kind of a David and Goliath thinking. I am going to knock out this big challenge with my little rock. Small increments of change help us build of the confidence and success at bigger changes. For instance it may be easier to cut back on you smoking and use a patch. It make be easier to decide to walk for 20 minutes a day than commit to loosing 50 pounds. Changing your diet to include more fruits and vegetables may actually lead to more energy to more about and the weight loss is a byproduct.

Examine what the change is going to cost and how much you are will to invest. Are you going to have to give up playing hoops with you buddies to go to school one night a week? Are you willing to give up the Colts games to pay for a degree? Are you willing to pay the cost? This is kind of where the rubber meets to road and you have to decide how much fuel it is going to take to light the fire. Then, examine what is going to cost if you do not make the change. If you wife is gong to leave because you watch porn, are you will to pay the price? Trust me you may ignore the threats but eventually something has to shift.

Can a small investment make a big change? (I think too many employers are like bad parents that only use threats to control employees. Trust me some things as small as a light bulb in order to see the work can be the problem.) Employers or parents that don't put some small rewards in place are going to have to deal with problems that result from neglect. I know some people who think that the paycheck of an allowance should be the reward. Some days a simple statement of appreciation will go further.

Next examine the rewards. One of the things I tell myself is nothing tastes a good as skinny feels. That cookie I want is 30 seconds of pleasure, but fitting into the size 12 dress is going to have a lot more rewards. In years of working with addicted individuals, I have seen too many programs neglect this part of the process. What am I getting out of my drugs use? It may be the individual is using is for to fit in and find friends. If you have drugs in the drug crowd you have instant friends. Just like winning the lottery. You will know how many people suddenly want to be in you circle. Can it be that drinking makes some one with low self-esteem feel ten foot high and bulletproof? These may not be the best ways of fulfilling these needs, but chances are they did work at sometime before they became a habit.

Take some time to examine if the are better ways to achieve the things you really desire? It could be that getting involved a 12 Step groups will give you instead friends. (AA is one place you can go and get credit for breathing, they will applaud...) Many people who come from dysfunctional families never learn to delay gratification. They fail to recognized that self-esteem is a by product. You can't got to the mall and buy new shoes and get true self-esteem. When I put those 156 hours into the college degree and I get that piece of paper I get self-esteem. You can't get it vicariously.

Now, that you have done some preliminary work. Pick one goal to begin with. This is what I call chunking down the elephant. I can't swallow the elephant whole but I can't chop it into little bite size pieces. When we look at the big picture, it can be overwhelming. Instead of try to clean to be whole house this week, start with a closet or a drawer. Little successes bring bigger ones.

One of the best tools for change is readily available this time of year. A new calendar, day planner or one of those nice system planners. Some folks use and palm pilot or the computer. I find if it is visible it works better. I am more apt to look at the calendar on the bathroom wall than the computer some days. These become visual markers. Once I have decided on the change I block time for it or track it daily. This works for you children too. When they can get a gold star on the refrigerator each time they have a success you will find more successes. You can track multiple task with a check list. I would not have succeed with my first marathon if Ken Log's training group had not provide a list with the miles to runs each day. (I promise you if you follow the training schedule without injury you will complete the goal.)

Place small rewards in place. Recovery programs give token for increments of change. When I began running I collected t-shirt and race numbers from my races. The were visual clues of change. I used the money I used to spend on cigarettes to purchase running clothes instead.

Use the calender to plan you goals. I sat down every New Year's for 18 years and planned my training schedules. I could plan the races I need for confidence and social support while building up to larger races. When I first started I just wanted to jun the Mini Marathon. Years later it was a habit and I lost track of how many races I completed.

This year I hope to get back in the groove. I broke a shoulder after I had a bone marrow transplant. I had tumors in my hand and had to have my hand reconstructed. Anyone who have broken a shoulder know what a difficult injury this is. Every movement can cause pain. I lost the momentum and the support I had. I could have rode a stationary bike, but just I wasn't there.

Forgive your self when you fall short. Far too many people suffer from black and white or all or nothing thinking. In the field of addiction Relapse is a four letter word. Often people are expect to change everything and be abstinent form a long time behavior like some magic wand was waved over them. Few people have this expedience. Most changes are what William James the father of American psychology called the educational variety. You did not learn to tie you shoes the first time someone showed you, that didn't make you bad or evil. The diabetic rarely goes their whole life strictly adhering to the doctors diet plan and never eating sugar again. The heart patient may change their diet after the by pass surgery, but many will return to eating fried chicken despite the consequences.

Set back are human. Be prepared to regroup. If you are fighting a war you do not give up when you loose one battle. You use strategy and plans for overcoming your short comings. If you are planning on being more Eco friendly, it may not always be possible to make a purchase without using plastic bags. If you have decide to go vegan, it may not be possible to eat every meal animal free (especially when eating out.)

Be willing to forgive others, too. Have you ever noticed you get most angry with those who struggle with your same short comings? (It's a little thing call projection...) Don't be an evangelist set out to change to world. You need your energy to set you own changes in place. .

One of the best ways to change is find people with similar goals. This don't not usually mean family and coworkers. Why? Because change is difficult and it is difficult for everyone. Once you under take a change those around you will have to make adjustments. They do not want to! It doesn't mean that they care less about you, it's is a struggle with in them. If you change they have to change how they relate to you and all change is difficulty. They Will do everything in there power to return things to status quo. So you need to draw some energy from some place else. Join Weight Watchers, a Running Club, Debtors or Messies Anonymous. Some times just have a friend to vent with is a help. A mentor or a support person is important. This can include paid professionals who help.

Trust me the more changes I undertook on in my life, the more passive aggressive my ex-husband became. If I asked him to go to the store for oranges, he came back with grapefruit. He preferred it when he sat on the couch married to ESPN and was taken care of. His laundry was done, his meals were fix ed and his clothes were clean. (I have since discover that I want a wife... HA-HA.) I had been doing what I thought I was supposed to do as a wife. And he did what he thought a husband was supposed to do as a husband.

Be-ready to re-evaluate and be flexible. It may not be possible to run outdoors if the streets are covered with ice, you may plan to run indoors, or substitute another type of work out. ( A break in the habit always brings resistance.) There are times when despite all out effort the scale does not move or the bills are bigger than the budget. Life is what happens when we are making other plans.

Make time everyday to enjoy the moment. A few minutes in he sun light at lurch, or a few minutes of blaring the head banging music that pumps you up. It is really the simple things in life that make us happy in the long run. When it's all said and done, we can't take the material things with us. It is our Spirit that will live on...nurture it.

Happy New Year's from the Spider Lady.