How Suicide Changed My Life

I used to be happy go lucky all the time. Now this is not so. I have not spoken publicly about my sister's suicide except to my wife and some close friends. Even my children do not know that their Aunt Mary killed herself- only that she had cancer and is now dead. This may seem a bit heavy but if you allow me, in the end, it is not.

On June 8, 1999 my sister shot herself in the forehead. She had been receiving chemotherapy for colon cancer which seemed to be in remission. Everyone including her doctors were shocked at her decision to quit--so permanently. Since her death I have had many occasions to consider the issues involved in a suicide. Two things I have concluded about my sister's suicide: Number one, I don't know that her death solved her problems. And number two, I believe her colon cancer was a convenient excuse for executing a plan she had in place long before. My reason for believing this is both personal and logical.

In leaving us this way, what ever pain she released herself from was only passed on doubly to her loved ones. She left us misery and questions that will never fully be answered. A cloud was cast over our hearts that has since shaded everything. My family feels that as hard as life can get, Mary had no real reason to end her life. The resulting "cloud" has caused me to evaluate my thoughts about life and death -- what they are, and what I want out of both.

It is the natural inclination of living beings to thrive. Everything grows up, receiving it's nourishment from the sun, the earth, and water. A tree, a flower, an insect, an animal; all live and none wills to die. Only the human being makes the decision to die. By reason it calculates the risks and value of life and death, and acts according to it's findings.

Humans are not only capable of choosing death but they are also capable of perceiving the spark of the divine in life. Every religious tradition holds that it is not how one has lived his life but the person's state at death that really matters. The Christian tradition of nightly self-examination and confession and the last rites at death speak to this final state. In Hindu scriptures Krishna says that whatever a person thinks of at death is where they will go.

How suicide changed my life is precisely this: I have consciously and decisively determined that my life will be geared toward its end, not in a morbid sense but in a way that I will master the art of living and of dying. George Harrison is one of my favorite artists. Early in his career he discovered the life changing reality that life is more that what we think it is, just as we are more than what we think we are. His song "The Art of Dying" has always moved me. It is true that the last moment is the most important moment of our lives. Facing death, rather than forcing death, with grace is the fulfillment of life regardless of what you believe will follow.

St Francis of Assisi had a particular view of death. He called "her" Sister Death. Being a part of creation, he personified her as he did "Brother Sun". The rule of the Secular Franciscan states, "Since they are immersed in the resurrection of Christ, which gives true meaning to Sister Death, let them serenely tend toward the ultimate encounter with the Father." Having worked with hospice patients, this serenity is something that most need to be convinced of, but if it is achieved, death is a natural thing of beauty. It can be a time of joy in the reflection of a full life, not to be rushed or pushed. It is a time of hope of the things unseen and of reward for a life well lived.

I still do not understand my sister's suicide. Yet it has helped me to understand myself. It changed me for the better. And if it had a purpose I will take it as that. May she rest in peace.