How to Support Friends During a Miscarriage or Stillbirth

There is nothing more tragic than losing a child -- even one that has not yet been born. When a friend has a miscarriage or stillbirth, you might not know how to react. You know that they are grieving and that you can't possibly understand their pain, but you still want to be there for them Here are a few tips on what to do when a friend has a miscarriage or stillbirth.

Support Friends During a Miscarriage or Stillbirth: Be Available
In fact, be persistent. It is human nature to retreat when something as terrible as a miscarriage or stillbirth occurs, but don't think that just because your friend is married, she can rely on her husband for support. Men and women both suffer during this type of tragedy, so you need to be available to both of them. Send cards, call them on the phone and drop by with a pre-cooked dinner under your arm. Don't expect too much, however; if they don't want to talk, respect that.

Support Friends During a Miscarriage or Stillbirth: Acknowledge Their Grief
It might seem appropriate to ignore what happened or to use clever euphamisms to keep from talking about what really occurred, but this is counter-productive. Instead, acknowledge that your friends have gone through something terrible, and allow them to talk about it. If they want to go through every detail, listen attentively and show your support by asking questions. It helps to talk it out -- even when the subject is painful -- and your friends might feel better by using clinical terms or by baring their souls. Let it happen.

Support Friends During a Miscarriage or Stillbirth: Intervene
Although it usually helps to talk to one or two people, your friends won't want to see everyone in your community. Offer to intervene as the go-between, and request that all inquiries and gifts be sent to your house. Later, when your friends are feeling up to it, you can give them the list of people who called or sent things and let them answer in their own time. Grief can be compounded if the phone is ringing off the hook or if people show up in five-minute intervals.

Support Friends During a Miscarriage or Stillbirth: Commemorate
If your friends want to hold a funeral or ceremony to mourn the loss of their child, offer to facilitate that. Some parents want to do this while others would prefer not to go through the grief process again. If your friends do want to hold some type of service, let them know you will handle to details. Just because their baby never took a breath doesn't mean that they aren't going to feel grief and loss.

Support Friends During a Miscarriage or Stillbirth: Pick Up the Slack
If you live near your friends, offer to pick up the slack around the house. Go grocery shopping, pick up their kids from school, clean the bathrooms, finish the laundry -- whatever it takes to give them time to do what they need to do. If they'd prefer you stay away, they'll let you know, but just offering will give them a sense of support and community. And if you don't have time or don't live close enough, arrange for someone else to give them a hand.