How to Support Your Wife During Infertility Testing

How to Support Your Wife During Infertility Testing - If you are one of the millions of couples dealing with infertility, you know that just finding out the cause of your infertility can be overwhelming and stressful. Forty percent of the time, male factor is the cause of a couple's infertility (1), yet it's the woman who experiences most of the testing - from simple blood tests to laparoscopic surgery - and she will need the full support of her husband. Here are some tips on how to support your wife as she goes through testing to determine the cause of her infertility.

Listen to her
This is perhaps the most important thing you can do to support your wife. She is dealing with emotions that may be very different from yours. If she is anything like I was during our testing and treatment, her thoughts are consumed by infertility. She probably feels like no one understands, even you. So take the time to sit down and ask her how she feels. Do your best to understand, even if you think she's silly for worrying and stressing so much. Having a husband who validates your feelings makes a big difference to a woman.

Tell her that it's not her fault
When my husband's semen analysis came back normal, I was relieved, yet felt guilty that I was the one keeping us from getting pregnant. My husband told me that it was no one's fault, but the guilt came up several times throughout our years of trying to conceive. I needed to be told repeatedly that it wasn't my fault - even if it was just to know that my husband didn't blame me.

Read a book about infertility with her
Chances are your wife has already read a book or two about infertility. Now's the time for you to show her that this issue is as important to you as it is to her by asking her if you can read a book with her. This can even help you to understand her feelings if she is having trouble expressing them herself. Trust me, if you do this, she'll think you're her knight in shining armor!

Ask her if she wants you to go along for the testing
Every woman is different. Every test is different. I wanted someone to come with me to some of my tests, but for others, I didn't mind going alone. For tests that involved my legs being in stirrups, I usually didn't mind going by myself because it was embarrassing. But for more invasive tests (although it doesn't seem possible to get more invasive than that!), I wanted support. I needed someone to drive me to and from my HSG (the test where they put a dye through my tubes to see if they were clear) but I didn't mind if it was my husband. When I had laparoscopic surgery to determine if I had Endometriosis and to clear my blocked tubes, I was definitely glad that it was my husband who'd come along. Don't insist on going with your wife unless she insists you come; just offering to come will show her support.

Stand up for her
If other people know you are going through testing, you'll likely get some goofy comments like, "So who's plumbing is messed up?" If you want to support your wife, don't point to her and then describe graphically all the things wrong with her and the tests she had to go through to make those determinations. Instead, put your arm around her and say something like, "That's none of your business" and change the subject. Unless she doesn't mind her privacy being invaded by more than just the doctors, she'll appreciate that you were willing to cover for her. Remember, she probably already feels like it's her fault.

Take her out on a date
If your wife is stressed while waiting for test results, you can help her get her mind of things by taking her on a date. Go bowling or miniature golf. Go see a movie or take her shopping (ever heard of retail therapy?). If you really want to make her happy, try surprising her instead of making plans with her.

Use her reaction to decide yours
Just because a test comes back normal, it doesn't mean your wife will be happy. It may seem unreasonable to be upset with good results, but one of the most frustrating parts of infertility is not knowing what is wrong with your body. I remember getting angry with my husband when he didn't even seem to try to understand why I was angry that everything kept coming back normal. Of course I was glad that I was healthy, but I wanted to know why we hadn't gotten pregnant for so long.

Go to counseling with her
Often, infertility leads to depression or strain on a marriage. If you or your wife feels that the two of you are growing apart, try going to counseling together. A counselor who specializes in infertility can help you and your wife get on the same page during this difficult time. Be willing to participate and not to just send her to counseling because you are going through this together.

Tell her she's a great wife
Not only does your wife feel guilty that it's her body that doesn't work, she probably also feels like she's less of a woman as a result. Take time each day to build her up - tell her she is beautiful, but also that she's a great woman. Find things that she does for you, but that she doesn't think you notice and tell her you appreciate them. A woman doesn't need to be a mother in order to be a great woman - she needs to know that.

Encourage her to pursue a goal
It's amazing how much time you can waste waiting to get pregnant. If I had known that it would take years to get pregnant with my son, I would have finished my degree. But I just kept thinking that it would happen any time. I spent all my efforts and energy on getting pregnant and now I wish I would have spent some of that energy on something else. Even if I had gotten pregnant while taking college courses, I would have been distracted by the work I had to do and would now be that much closer to a degree. If your wife is just biding her time until she is a mother, encourage her to set a goal for herself - even if it's just getting out and volunteering at a homeless shelter or something like that. Doing something that helps her feel fulfilled will help her look back at those years of trying to conceive without regret.

With time, it's likely that you and your wife will be able to have children. In the meantime, your support for your wife during all the testing she will have to endure will mean more to her than you can ever know.

1. http://www.abington-repromed.com/our_services/MaleFactorInfertility.cfm