How to Survive Being Married

Once those wedding bells stop ringing, and the pleasant noises of being newlyweds have silenced enough, this is when you begin to hear those other noises. Nagging and babies crying and ungodly bodily functions that are both deadly and far from silent... marriage is not all about "having somebody to grow old with".

Regardless of what any movie or book tries to relay the concept of a healthy marriage of, if there is a happily ever after then it's full of fantasy. Reality is a far cry from that perspective, and once you're on that side of the fence you'll know what I mean.

Some nights you will seriously contemplate smothering your dear beloved with a pillow, wondering whether "I do" produces a longer sentence of imprisonment than an actual life sentence for murder. Witty signs that read "I got a new gun for my wife, and it was a good trade!" or "I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better" are funny in a pathetic God-if-that-isn't-the-truth way.

But I'm not here to bash marriage any more. Instead, I'm going to offer some real pointers to both men and women on how to make it through those loooong rough patches that are unavoidable in matrimony.

For Women

For any feminists, please know that both the 'Men' and 'Women' sections may be applied to either gender however I have classified them separately because they are more relevant to one specific sex over the other.

Talk, and then Listen

You may think you do talk about something that bothers you but you don't. Instead you deliver a combination of complaining and whining. I know, because I am a woman myself and I know I am not the only one who has done everything to express a problem besides actually expressing the problem. I don't know why we do it, but the fact is that men never get it. Period.

So this rule actually has two parts, and I am going to stress again that if you have a problem, you need to talk about it. Then you need to listen to what your partner has to say.

Do not listen to only enough to form a reaction and then immediately express your reaction. Listen, and understand. (Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you.)

Shave Your Legs

See now, feminists, it is highly unlikely that this tip would be appropriate for men. I don't know about you, but I do not wish my husband to keep his legs silky smooth. However I do know that once you're married, and comfortable, you tend to let yourself go. It takes less than 5 minutes to tackle that limbs.

Wear Lingerie

Like I just said, when we're married we tend to let ourselves go. This includes our sex lives. We become too busy, or ... all excuses aside we're just not in the mood anymore.

Remember the good old days when we used to... (Fill in the blanks with your own pleasant memories here, and you will find yourself smiling.) Well, why does it have to change? You don't stop playing because you get older, you get older because you stop playing.

There is absolutely no excuse for letting an active sex life fall apart. Just because you already have the one you love does not mean you should act as though you already have the one you love. Because when you stop making love, you slowly fall apart. Sex isn't just a physical activity, it is an intimate connection that is very important.

In other words, the more sex you have the less you think about smothering your spouse with a pillow. (Depending on just how wild you really are...)

Lingerie is a key secret of happy wives their equally happy husbands. There are varieties to choose from, and if you're not into toys then you can count on lingerie to keep things interesting, exciting, and new. Just think how easy it is to go from a leather clad dominatrix, to a stunning beauty in a babydoll, to an innocent little school girl. (Perhaps all in the same afternoon?)

Browse the lingerie at Kabrini's Secret, save 10% during checkout when you enter SAVE10 for a code (your welcome) and have a happier relationship shipped to you immediately. Trust me on this, you can not survive being married without a healthy sex life!

Carry around Fake Dog Poop

Yes, this is a real tip on how to survive being married and there is no code involved. You can find these in any gag gift section of a party store or website. Why is it important to carry around fake dog poop?

If you can't figure it out I am telling you to have a sense of humor, and to use it. Fake dog poop can be used creatively in many situations. Common rules of thumb are to not overdo it with the fake dog poop, not to be predictable, and not to focus solely on the fake dog poop for surprising others with some good old fashioned fun.

(My stepdaughter just celebrated her 13^th birthday the other day. Can you guess what was on her birthday cake?)

Humor in a relationship, in a marriage, and in a family are just as important as having a healthy and active sex life, if not more so. Why be so serious all the time?!?!

For Men

Now that you're done reading what women can do, laughing and agreeing that we nag and complain and we're never in the mood... you must also admit that you just don't listen to direction. When I say "For Women", you are naturally tempted to read anyways. Here's the thing guys, it's good that you want to read but you're not trying to learn about women to understand women, you just enjoy criticizing women. I'd like to include a step here for you guys called 'Stop Being So Darn Frustrating' but unfortunately I think it's in your nature to be so darn frustrating.

Listen, and then Talk

There are two reasons I say this.

The first is that since I told the women to talk, and then listen, it makes logical sense to have you listen and then talk. Duh!

The second is that, and pardon me for saying another duh! statement, but you don't listen! You hear what you want to hear, if you even acknowledge that we're talking. When a woman, no... when your wife opens her mouth, a little switch in your head turns off and we get tuned out. This may be because you think that we are always nagging. (That may be because we are, let's face it, always nagging.)

However if you were to stop tuning us out perhaps we would not be nagging. So listen to us, and then you need to talk to us!

5 Minutes a Day

This rule actually applies to both sexes, because I know women are still reading at this point also. We're both quick to learn about and criticize each other, aren't we? Well... for a minimum of 5 minutes a day, every single day... shut up and hold each other. Don't say a word, don't think dirty thoughts about it, just hold each other and remember to appreciate each other. It's not that hard to do!

Keep the Air Clean

Okay, now that you have made your fart joke and laughed, what I mean is to keep the air clean. Again, this is for women and for men. Hold no secrets, hold no resentment, and hold nothing from each other. Keep the air clean of any pollutions that can drive a wedge between you and your loved one.

Once in a while, just ask to cuddle

Okay guys, I know this isn't what you really want from us, but once in a while this is all we want from you and we just might be in the mood more for what you want if you were to compromise your manhood and ask to just cuddle.

Further Survival Tips

Getting through a marriage can seem rough at times, and even when you remember the good times you may often wonder why you're still waking up next to the same person every morning. The best way to survive rocky marriages like this are to adjust your attitude, adjust your communication, and to adjust your perspectives. Not every day is a happily every after fairy tale, but even those days do not need to be filled with cold resentment towards each other.

To survive a marriage, you have to pull together and get through it as a team. Understand that not every body makes it to those days of old and gray and looking back with a clear understanding and appreciation of life. Assuming this will cause pain should your last day come sooner. So to survive a marriage, and to survive life in general, approach each day as if it might be your last and have no false expectations.

Enjoy!