How to Survive Your Company Christmas Party

Step 1: Setting The Trap
Like Johnny Mathis croons, "Chances are, the company bash will be held at your workplace." This provides you ample opportunities to sway the night into your favor by using the gift of terror. If you're like me, you haven't quite gotten the Halloween out of your system yet, so a few well-embedded pranks will surely make the night more memorable, even if you do get completely trashed and start making an ass of yourself, Xerox-style. But work your way up to the bloodcurdling gags: start with some phony vomit, then spike the punch with Rohypnol, and then cue the faux terrorists with guns (AKA your old frat buddies). Remember, the night is young, and so is that new female CPA from Wisconsin.

Step 2: Formal? Where?
The Romans always had a saying about a faucet that meant "Clothes make the man." Well, the Romans had sweaty orgies in honor of a god whose whole shtick was wine, so you must agree they knew a thing or two about partying, so heed their warning about the faucet. What you normally wear at the office is fine, but take a little bit of the "form" out of "formal." Since the majority of unwanted children in this country are Libras, chances are you are getting laid. So one suggestion: tearaway. Remember that white undershirt you don't wear because it has holes? I don't think you'll mind if it's crumpled up in the corner of the janitor's closet for a few minutes. But remember that wearing your Sunday best always makes you look better than that other guy, especially when that guy is wearing a bright t-shirt that reads "Pet My Pants Elf."

Step 3: Kris Kringle
The tradition of Kris Kringle has been around longer than people realize. People have always given each other crappy gifts (remember that cheap bitch, Eve?). You know how it works, you draw a name and you don't know what to get the man who has everything and whom you know nothing about. The upper limit is $10 but you know in the back of your mind that you're spending at least 15 and the guy who's getting you a present is spending at most 5. The gift of laughter is powerful, so gag gifts are usually proper protocol for the crapshoot called Kris Kringling. An alarm clock for tardy Ted or a vanity mirror for Tammy Fae the copy girl will be good for a few chuckles, but giving the CEO a bottle of KY jelly could land you in hot water. When in doubt, give a crappy pen set from Staples.

Step 4: Carol Brady
In any event, do not carol.

Step 5: Charming The Dickens Out Of Christmas
What's Xmas without the Hemingway-approved dose of strong egged nog? You'll want to drink this grog while it lasts and before it curdles, but before long, inhibitions will be lifted you'll be standing on your desk with a beer bong and a pitcher of nog while the customer reps line up for "nog hits" while you tear through the entire catalog of Creedence Clearwater Revival a capella. Companies frown on this type of activity because it results in a handful of sexual harassment and paternity suits come mid-January. However, you must remember to not get too rambunctious, just as long as you appear more together than the receptionist making out with the coat rack or the office manager trying to fax Beluga caviar to Thailand.

Step 6: Tightening The Tongue
Loose lips sink ships, but not as quickly as icebergs. The purpose of the company Christmas part is for coworker to unwind in a casual environment, not as a reason for the company manager to reevaluate those end-of-the-year bonuses. So, if the booze is running the show, there are a few never-fail comebacks that just might save your ass come judgment on Monday morning. For example:

SALLY FEMINIST: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
INCORRECT RESPONSE: I kiss a lot of mothers with this mouth.
CORRECT RESPONSE: My mother has passed on (feign sadness).

Step 7: The Early Bonus
Although taking things into moderation was stressed earlier on, it's really a great idea to embrace the alcoholic glasnost that is the open bar. It's the one day of the year in which your minimum wage-addled tastes for Bud and Jäger can take a vacation and you can order fancy bar drinks, like Sex On The Beach or Hooker In The Mattress. Don't worry if the barstaff looks at you like you're Pope Benedict motioning for a lap dance, this one's on the company tab. If they ask you what the hell is in a Hooker In The Mattress, improvise: There's a first time for everything, even if that everything includes scotch, maraschino cherries, and martini olives. Be sure to make friends with the low man on the bar staff totem pole, because he's the one most likely to have an eight ball. Grab some cocktail straws, a few friends without Hepatitis C, and rendezvous in the executive washroom for an early white Christmas. No holiday is complete without hopped up drunkards jabbering away like a Schnauzer in a tennis ball factory.

Step 8: Making New Year's Resolutions Early
Unlike Ron Jeremy, Christmas only comes once a year, but so does New Year's (unless you're Chinese or Russian). Crazy talk like, "Yes, I will raise the child with you" or "Yeah, I'll go see the Dixie Chicks with you" might get you in trouble down the road. Save the resolutions you eventually intend to break for when they count the most, on December 31, when you're even more piss-drunk and surly. If you must, drive the car containing a trunk full of empty promises into the murky swamp of too much booze. Remember: 'Tis better to give false promises to receive a little extracurricular work nookie.

Step 9: Picking Fights With The Innocent
Lavish the opportunity of the company's negligence of allowing silly juice at the company Christmas party to confront your outer demons. Forget aggression therapy or handwritten apologies, it's best to let your fists do the negotiating and your foot to do the paperwork. And what better time to catch your enemies off-guard as when they are changing the baby's diapers. Nothing spells festive like beating an unarmed man senseless with the non-business end of a fire extinguisher. If he gets up to defend himself, run like a sissy boy yelling bloody murder; the company's more liable to blame the enraged and confused one. Just go grab another Mimosa and laugh your ass out as they drag him (and his allegiance to Rush Limbaugh) out of your life in a musty strait jacket.

Step 10: The Hasty Exit
Where there's smoke, there's fire. The same can be said for the company Christmas gala. Arson and Christmas parties are like what Burt and Loni were in the early '80s: inseparable. Anyway, you don't want to be blamed so throughout the part be aware of where the security cameras are planted and avoid these areas upon escape. And don't be afraid of heights. They don't call them "fire escapes" for nothing. Who is that man climbing down the fire escape, mommy? Is it Santa Claus? Yes, Virginia. That man climbing down the fire escape is Santa. Then, tell me something, mommy. Why is he puking and swearing? Why, Virginia, that man is your father.