How to Survive the First Year of Marriage

So you've said "I do", made a grand entrance into your reception, waved to all your adoring family and friends, and jetted off to a fabulous honeymoon. So now, you're home together, married, and excited for this new phase of your life. You take in a deep breath of married air, ease out of bed and find yourself standing on a pair of your spouse's dirty underwear. Suddenly you're remembering the "til death do us part" section of the wedding vows and wondering if you will be standing on dirty drawers (pronounced drawhs) every day for the rest of your life. Now, we're about to see what you're really made of as a couple.

If you haven't lived together before you were married, chances are there are some things you don't know about your new spouse. I had seen my spouse watch television when we were dating but I had no idea he was completely addicted. And all those couple-friendly love stories we used to watch together on date nights no longer had any importance to him at all. I felt slightly deceived. I found myself pleading with him regularly to turn off Smokey and the Bandit, COPS, and game shows from the 70's. Here are some tips to help you cope, compromise, accept, and continue your love story from someone who has happily passed the three year mark.

1. Wake Up - Although I'm sure you looked like Cinderella and Prince Charming on your wedding day, you are not really a Disney character, and though it may feel like one at times, your marriage is not a fairly tale. It's real life, with real people, real opinions, and real emotions. My first tip is to just be mature enough to accept that. No one can fully live up to your ideals.

2. Never say Never - Be very conscious of what the true meaning of "always" and "never" are. If your spouse doesn't leave the toothpaste cap off every single time he uses it, then don't say always. It's fine to let the other person know what bothers you but be careful in how you present it. No one likes to be accused of things and it may take some time before change occurs. Focus on what really matters. Be prepared to let some things go. Keep separate tubes of toothpaste and stop thinking about it.

3. Play Together - Once the honeymoon is over and you can't just hang out together all day it can be difficult to find a rhythm that fits. You may both be working or going to school or you may have a lot to do to fix up your new married home but always take time out for fun. Pack up your picnic basket and go to your favorite park. Enjoy a dinner with friends or a night at the movies. It's harder to remember to date once you get married but it's important to keep that connection going.

4. Share the Load - Usually it is too much for one person to take on all the household responsibilities, especially when both partners work. Be reasonable and find a way to divide up the weekly duties that works for everyone and doesn't leave one person over-taxed. You will both be a lot happier if no one is complaining about how much work had to be done around the house or how much time was spent reconciling credit card statements. When you tackle it together it really does get done twice as fast and then you both have enough time for relaxation.

5. Three Things - If you are feeling frustrated with your spouse try to do three nice things for him/her that day. Doing something nice for someone else takes the focus off of you. When you take a minute to think about something nice you want to do for your spouse it may remind you for example, how hard your spouse is working to finish school. So a nice thing could be putting away a pile of laundry your spouse didn't have time to address on the brief time spent at home between work and school. It could mean making a favorite meal for dinner or just making dinner if you don't usually cook, or leaving a card in a random place with a nice note inside. It could also mean pitching those dirty undies in the laundry bin without making a big fuss about it, just this once. Whatever it is, your spouse will notice and begin to appreciate it which ultimately draws you closer together.

6. Like your In-laws - Make an honest effort to get along with your in-laws. They are here to stay... all of them, not just the ones you favor. Once you relax and accept the fact that they will never be the same as your own family you might start to have some fun and appreciate the unique qualities they bring to your life. They can't be all bad, after all, your spouse emerged from that brood and you loved him/her enough to get married.

7. Have it Their Way - You don't always have to be in control, even of small things. For example, give up the remote once in a while and let the other person choose. Yes, you could just watch separate televisions if you can't agree but sometimes you really want to just be together and you're going to have to compromise to make that situation work. In your efforts to find a show that you both can tolerate you might just find something you both love. Who knew my husband would become a fan of Jon and Kate plus 8? Who knew I would eventually enjoy watching COPS? When you each try to please the other person, you may be surprised by what you learn.

8. Allow Each Other Space - There are indeed times when you will want and need to be alone. It is important for each of you to maintain your own interests and keep in touch with your good friends from before you got married. Don't put yourself in a situation where you rely completely on your spouse for happiness. The more you each remain yourselves the better off you'll be.

9. Go to Bed Together - It's not always possible to go to bed together. Believe me, that was tough when we first got married. My husband went to bed at 9:30 and I was more like an 11:30 person. But we worked it out. We settled on 10:30 and I changed my schedule at work to arrive an hour earlier. It's nice to wind down and spend the last part of the evening together and since I need to be up earlier I don't mind the earlier bed time. Going to bed together has become my favorite part of being married. My husband and I have had some nice talks at night with our heads practically on the same pillow and I love waking up with him right next to me.

10. Remember - Don't forget the day you were married and the times you had leading up to that. I often sit and reflect on how I met my husband, how we became friends, later became a couple, and the day we got engaged. It's also fun to remember all the hustle and bustle that led up to the wedding, and finally, that day where you really don't mind everyone's eyes being on you as you celebrate the future that you have together. It's hard to stay mad at someone when you have those images going through your head. Your ultimate goal of sharing your lives together is greater than the tiny frustrations of daily living together. When you focus on the big picture, the little things naturally fade away.