How to Survive a Government Shutdown

Welcome to the Federal Government! Now, take the rest of the week off!

HA HA HA. Wasn't that fun? That was an example of internal government humor, as approved by the Federal Agency For Chuckles And Giggles. (guffaws are handled by another agency)

Seriously, though, the purpose of this publication is to provide you with guidance and support, in the unlikely event of a government shutdown. But first, let's get some legal housekeeping out of the way.

PUBLICATION METADATA: This document supersedes all previous documents issued by this department that we printed earlier, we think, though maybe not, although we definitely did pay people to print them earlier, although maybe they didn't get around to it, but we're fairly certain that, in any case, we wrote them a check for printing the documents as they were described in the print specification. That was the plan, anyway.

DISCLAIMER: This is the revised revision of the latest revision, revised by the Modifications And Revisions Sub-Committee of the Ad Hoc Revisions Task Force, by order of the sitting manager of the standing Revisions Action Group, as authorized by the pro tem co-chairs of the Department of Revised Modification Revisions, duly approved by the Federal Council of Seriously Important Government Employees Who Are Utterly Essential No Matter What.

REVISED DISCLAIMER: It may have come as a surprise to you to discover that there is a Department of Government Shutdown Survival - an entire bloated bureaucracy that exists for no other reason than to issue pamphlets about what the government should do when the government's not doing anything. Not to worry. If you (or someone you know) is surprised, please visit the Department of Surprise Management's website, a resource maintained by the Federal Incredulity And Disbelief Management Agency, where you will discover reams of "Dealing With Surprise In The Federal Workspace" documents, many of them staggeringly ironic.

Thanks for reading the metadata and disclaimers! Now, take the rest of the week off! HA HA HA.

Seriously, though, there are many benefits to working for the American people:

• The life-long security of a federal government job
• Hubris
• The character-building challenge of obtaining security clearance for the bathroom
• Guest appearances on C-SPAN, or "America's Most Wanted"
• That warm, fulfilling feeling that comes from being referred to as "non-essential"
• The heady rush of living under the ever-looming threat of a legal indictment
• Knowing that the ideal candidate is not technically required to be awake, conscious, or in special cases, alive (see Appendix G: "flex-work" opportunities)
• The Witness Protection Program

So government employment is a plum that draws the eye of many perspective job-seekers! Unfortunately, government employment may also draw the attention of nosy reporters, pesky watch groups, and ungrateful whistle-blowers. It's not their fault - these are nattering factions that can't shake their ingrained, narrow-minded worldview which still confuses "job" with "work." These are very small, petty, extremely dull people. It's not their fault.

But, as federal employees, we know better. We were not put on this planet to work; no, our purpose is to get paid. Period. And that's where the problem begins.

See, sometimes, due to orgiastic spree-based spending, or mind-boggling levels of bureaucratic incompetence, the federal government will run out of money. And as we've pointed out, we don't park our tenured tushies in these federal cubicle farms - sometimes as often as three days a week - just because we love America. We'reheretogetpaid. And even those violent kitten-stranglers in the Tea Party will understand that, in order to pay people, you have to have some money.

But the general public just doesn't get it. They act like the government works for them, or something.

It's not their fault.

But there are very personal, very real ramifications of a government shutdown, as can be seen from the following list, compiled during the 2011 shutdown showdown by the non-partisan Non-Numbered Bullet-List Generation Sub-Committee, as commissioned by the Federal Department of Formatted Vertical Statistics And Agenda List Items Presented Without Emoticons:

• In the case of a shutdown, travelers might not be able to get a passport or a visa. (This only applies to legal citizens who are planning a trip outside America - any fool can get in to America)

• The President of the United States warned that the District of Columbia might have to ... now hold on to something ... cancel the Cherry Blossom Parade. Then he flew to Brazil, and then to California, and then Rome, then Chicago and Iowa, then Rome again, then back to Brazil, to read a speech outlining why Americans ought to be conserving fuel.

• The Tea Party was accused of fomenting the entire "shutdown" crisis. They were also accused of causing tectonic shift, funding the Spanish Inquisition, and creating lactose intolerance.

• In the case of a shutdown, national parks might have to close. According to Al Gore, some of them might even explode. The White House noted that this could save or create 18 million jobs making disaster movies.

• Senator Charlie Rangel noticed a microphone, which meant he had to start talking, and then he made the confusing comment that "cutting spending doesn't mean you're saving money." However, before he could begin his next sentence, his ego took a direct hit from an incoming Absurdity Bomb From Outer Space. The ego survived.

• In the case of a shutdown, C-SPAN might have to show reruns. The White House noted that this could save or create 18 million jobs filling anti-depression prescriptions.

• Hearing about the national parks, Smokey the Bear took his own life. Senator Harry Reid blamed the Tea Party, and pointed out that John Boehner now has the blood of an imaginary federal employee on his hands. In an unrelated story, McGruff the Crime Dog went missing. Harry Reid says he fears the worst. The Attorney General subpoenaed the Tea Party's phone records, and the President of the United States said that McGruff had "acted stupidly."

• In the case of a shutdown, Pentagon budget cuts might force the military to discontinue not fighting the non-war that we're not currently not fighting, but not in Libya. And a shutdown could cause US airport security to have to rein in and rely on the "honor system."

• A shutdown could even affect the critical, sacred duties of the leader of the free world. Rather than ride the course in Golf Cart One, the President of the United States might have to walk the entire 18 holes.

• The Tea Party was blamed for childhood poverty, people who wear plaid shorts and black knee socks, and the fate of millions of minority senior citizens who died prior to the War of 1812. And during. And since.

• As the Shutdown Clock ticked down to Zero Hour, Senator Harry Reid got more and more agitated, until finally he rent his garment and gnashed his dentures. (Actually, he had a non-essential government employee clock in and proxy-rend her garment. Of course, this was a Federal Employee union-sanctioned activity, so there had to be three backup non-essential proxies, a Garment Rending Supervisor, and a follow-up performance review.)

• The Tea Party was blamed for the death of a German polar bear named Knut, the lack of air on Mars, and accused of injecting LDL cholesterol into defenseless Saturday morning cartoon characters.

• Smokey's funeral was very low-key and Spartan, what with the lack of cherry blossoms. Flags couldn't be flown at half-staff, because half-staff flag management is a Federal Employee union-sanctioned activity, under the auspices of the Federal Department of Kinda-High-But-Not-All-The-Way-Up Symbol Positioning Management.

• Due to vital international commitments, and a conflicting tee time, the President of the United States couldn't attend the funeral. However, reading from tandem teleprompters positioned somewhere on somebody's 12th fairway, he did recite some comforting anecdotes about Smokey, Yogi and Boo-Boo, and then, for some reason, pointed out that America had no better ally in the Middle East than Ireland. Next, the President re-tasked NASA with some kind of Ursa Outreach program, designed to make bears feel better about their historical contributions to jet propulsion, not to mention pic-a-nic baskets. Then he authorized the Pentagon to invade Yellowstone.

• An unnamed spokesperson from the Federal Department of Clandestine Opposition Management And Anonymous Dissing blamed the Tea Party for the concept of three-dimensional space, and accused them of injecting Burmese termites into retirement homes while hitting unwary teachers with a partisan pointed stick.

• At the eleventh hour, a frantic Senator Harry Reid called an emergency press conference to share his concerns that he could see no way forward. Fortunately, though, a Senate page took charge, turning the Senate leader's chair around so that he wasn't facing the wall.

• Joe Biden pointed out that anybody can run into a wall and then, for a few minutes, cursed in a bipartisan way.

• The White House said they stood behind the Senate leader, but that just confused him again, so they stood in front of him.

• And then, at two minutes till midnight, Jack Bauer appeared! He hovered over the Capitol rotunda in a black helicopter theory! Chloe transmitted the schematics of Harry Reid's chair and the coordinates of three nearby mature people, who were in town for the Cherry Blossom Parade! And with adult supervision, the shutdown was averted!

Happy endings! Well, almost. Less than an hour later, after everybody forgot about the budget again, the President of the United States handed Jack over to the Chinese. As collateral.

Welcome to the Federal Government.

Now - take the rest of the week off!

HA HA HA!