How to Survive a Kitten Attack, and Other Tidbits of Worldly Information

If you ever find yourself being attacked by either a single kitten, or a passel of kittens, it would be wise to have a package of freeze-dried tuna in your pocket. At the first hint that the kitten attack is imminent, tear open the package of tuna, and throw bits of the tasty morsel as far away from yourself as possible. This action will cause the kitten, or kittens, to divert their attack from you, to the fragrant bits of tuna. When their attention is diverted, you can easily make your escape. Unless you have unwittingly tossed the bits of tuna near the door or window that you might escape through! This defensive maneuver has saved me on a couple of occasions, and I hope that it can be your savior somewhere in the future.

Werewolves are really hard to kill, especially if you find yourself fresh out of silver bullets. Unless you are well equipped with the ammunition required to slay one of these vicious and vengeful creatures, my best suggestion to avoid a confrontation, would be to not go for a stroll through the dark woods during a full moon. If you have never seen a movie about werewolves, there is no way for you to know about their nocturnal habits. But even in the event that you have never seen a film highlighting the activities of one of these creatures, by adhering to the advice I have offered, you should find the chances of an encounter greatly diminished. I have never strolled through the dark woods during a full moon, and I have never had an encounter with a werewolf, so I guess my advice is pretty accurate.

Never spit into the wind. Spitting itself is a vile and distasteful action, but if you find that you just absolutely have to spit, turn away from any wind that might be blowing in your face. While this little bit of advice probably won't save your life, it will provide you with a spittle free face while enjoying the great outdoors. This is basically an outdoors piece of advice. If you spit while within the confines of your home, I guess it does not apply. Unless you have a bunch of fans operating on a warm day.

While driving around late at night in your car, never pick up anyone who appears to need a ride if they are carrying a bloody ax. This especially holds true if you find yourself driving around late at night during a rain storm. It would also be wise to never pick someone up who is wearing a mask or is in some other way concealing their face. In giving this a little more thought, I would expand my warning to include bloody crowbars, knives, shovels, or any other item that has blood dripping off of it.

Avoid at all costs, becoming the target of an angry mob. Angry mobs will get you every time, as there will always be someone within that mob, who can outrun you. If you feel the need to get someone angry at you, make it a single person. Single people seem to get angry slower than a mob of people, because a single person may have doubts about being able to handle you by themselves. Put that single, slow to anger individual into a mob however, and all of a sudden you are dealing with someone possessing "mob muscles". This would be similar to someone who has had a few too many beers, and suddenly feels the need to demonstrate his or her superiority over someone else by flexing their "beer muscles".

When home alone, answering your phone, if a raspy and threatening voice says something like, "Do you know where I am? I'm in your house!", don't go looking for where this potentially dangerous intruder is hiding. While his question might pique your curiosity, it would definitely be best to politely hang up, and then run from the house as quickly as possible. More home alone advice would be to never venture into the basement after hearing a funny noise, after finding out that the light at the bottom of the stairs has ceased working. I'm pretty sure it would be a safe bet, that any intruder worth his mettle, would do something like unscrewing a light bulb or even breaking it, to provide himself with the cover of darkness he would need to take advantage of you.

When and/or if you are ever questioned by law enforcement officials for any reason, make every effort to avoid replying to their questions with cutesy lines you may have heard in a movie, "You talkin' to me?".

Don't believe everything you might read in those grocery store tabloids that can be found near the checkouts. While there may be aliens among us, or a movie star who has somehow concealed the fact that they are really a vampire, or a two hundred pound four year old who eats six boxes of cereal every morning, somewhere in Arkansas, that does not mean that all those stories are really true. Some, if not most or all of them, have been created to sell those tabloids. I'm willing to bet that you would probably be more likely to buy one of those publications if it had a blaring headline about Bigfoot living in a mansion in Los Angeles, as opposed to a headline about a Boy Scout rescuing baby ducks from a storm drain. Many of those stories are fun to read, but please, take them with a grain of salt until you hear the same story being discussed on a network news program.

Believe in those things you personally have never seen. Referring again to Big Foot and aliens, just because they are not your neighbors ( or are they? ), does not mean that they cannot exist. I'm pretty sure that back in 1492 or so, people were considered to be crackpots if they talked about sailing westward, away from Spain, France, Portugal and England, and eventually coming upon another land mass that was not the Orient. I have never seen one million, one dollar bills all in the same place, but that does not mean that they can't exist somewhere.

There are so many tidbits of information that I could impart here, but space and time are limited. Think about some of the advice I've given, and see if it does not trigger your own creative imagination to think of more. Just remember to always have a package of freeze- dried tuna in your pocket. You never know when you might encounter a passel of kittens blocking your way through life.