How to Survive the Marine Corps If You Are a Wimp

So. I'm a wimp. I have no pain tolerance. I don't like to be athletic. That is because I have no athletic talent. I only weigh plus or minus 103 lbs. But somehow, I managed to make it through the Marine Corps with an honorable discharge. (Granted, I also became 50% disabled, but hey..who's counting?)

Here is my guide on How to survive the Marine Corps when you are a wimp:

1. Believe the recruiter when he tells you that once you get through boot camp, it will be just like a normal job. Try to forget the fact that he has both a quota to fill and wants to sleep with you.

2. While at boot camp, try to pretend that you are part of a big reality show. Unfortunately, this didn't help me as there were no reality shows when I went through boot camp. Instead, I pretended I was locked in an insane asylum.

3. Do not get pissed off and throw a can of boot polish at your drill instructor. My bunkie did this and we both got in trouble. Stupid bunkie. Also, do not point a loaded weapon at 50 people because you can't get your sling adjusted correctly. You won't believe how fast someone will bash your head into the ground.

4. In your MRE's are packets of koolaid and icetea. You can mix them with canteen water. Unfortunately, canteen water tastes like butt. So you are better off just eating it. It is yummy. You should go try it now. See! Yummy.

5. Paint your toenails. It will make wearing the same stupid outfit over and over again for four years more enjoyable.

6. The proper response to the question, "Are you motivated, devildog???" is NOT "Actually no. I think this sucks, BIG TIME."

7. Become a Marine Corps accountant. Then tell everyone you are responsible for ensuring aircraft get off the ground. It sounds more important.

8. Figure out how to do your job really well. Complete a weeks worth of work in a day. Spend the rest of the week surfing the net.

9. DO NOT accidentally email your staff sergeant the message "Geeze, what crawled up staff sergeant's butt and died!"

10. Enjoy the formations. Big ceremonies with veterans and the American flag blowing and patriotic music really are beautiful. But, do not get moved to tears. Everyone will call you a...well, trust me, it won't be good.

11. Get used to being naked. You'll have to change a lot in front of other people. Try not to get freaked out when your major is discussing budget formation with you when you are wearing only purple panties.

12. People in the Marine Corps say f*** all the time. Try to stop saying f*** once you get out. Your mom won't like it if you tell her she's the f***ing best f***ing mother on the whole f***ing planet. Nor will the clerk at Krogers like it if you tell her, "I want f***ing paper bags mother f***er.

13. If you can't figure out every rank insignia do this...when you see someone coming that looks older than 20, run the other way.

14. If you have to play wallyball for PT, just try not to let the ball hit you in the nose. It will hit you, for sure, but try not to get hit in the nose.

15. When they say, "Welcome to Japan. You now need to get six shots." go ahead and pass out right then. Then you won't feel the shots, and then everyone will not find out that you pass out from shots.

16. When you are almost ready to get out of the Marine Corps, do not post a big sign next to your desk that says "41 days to freedom." The people in charge um...don't take to that too kindly.

17. If you are out in the hall being yelled at because one of your subordinates got married over the weekend and somehow you were supposed to have figured this out using your mind-reading abilities, the correct thing to say is NOT "Well, hopefully she will stop sleeping around now."

18. When you are quizzed on military knowledge, always answer 1776 SIR! when asked about an historical date. Unless of course you are asked by a woman, in which case you would say 1776 MA'AM! Listen carefully because the correct answer to "Do you know when I enlisted in the Corps, punk?" is NOT 1776.

19. Attempt to plan your going away party at Hooters. When the f***ing f***ers tell you that Hooters is not f*** appropriate, do it anyway.

20. Leave the Corps knowing that you have served your country, broken your hip, injured your shoulder, talked to superiors in your underpants, gotten 975 shots in the arm of mysterious substances and someone managed to survive despite the fact that you are, still, a total wimp.