How to Survive Saturday at Walmart

Screaming babies, bickering siblings, long lines, no parking spaces: the fifth level of hell is Wal-Mart on a Saturday. Here's some tips on surviving it with your sanity intact and everyone in one piece.

Get in, get out, go home.

No one wants to get out of bed before noon on a weekend, but trust me, it's worth it. Try 8 or 9 o'clock if possible. It's not great, but it's better than going in the afternoon. Plus, the sooner you get it over with, the more time you have to do something fun. Better yet, try a Sunday morning if you can and avoid the Saturday madness altogether.

Just pick a spot.

Don't waste your time driving around the parking lot looking for that perfect space. Accept that all the good spots are gone and be prepared to hike in from the outer edges. Look at the bright side; now you don't have to hit the treadmill today.

Defensive driving.

It has long been my opinion that shoppers should have to pass a driving test of some sort before being allowed to take out a shopping cart. Until that day, all you can really do is keep your eyes peeled and proceed slowly. Be particularly wary of old ladies, anyone on a cell phone, and kamikaze kids running around the aisles.

Drown it out.

Bring your iPod, put on headphones, and crank it up. Simple as that.

Have a plan.

You're out to do battle, so before you even think of leaving the house, write down everything you could possibly need and categorize it by department. Fold your paper into 16 squares and put everything in a box: produce, deli, dry goods, frozen foods, clothing, electronics, cleaners, school supplies, garden, health and beauty, house wares, automotive, pets, toys, etc . Bonus tip: if you're bringing a spouse and/or older kids, tear the list apart, give everyone a piece, everyone meet up at register 15 in 20 minutes. You're done!