How to Survive Step-parenthood

Who of us growing up ever imagined that we would one day be a step-parent? I'm sure many of us out there had our ideal set from early childhood. Grow up, get married and have children, our OWN children. Becoming a part of a step-family can come about in various ways. Perhaps a beloved spouse has died and the widow(er) has made the brave move of re-marrying. Or perhaps a divorced parent has found that special someone that they would like to spend the rest of their life with. When many of us fall in love we do so in a very contained environment and it usually only involves one other person. What am I getting at? What I am trying to say is that when we fall in love and sparks start to fly one part of the equation that often does not feature is the presence of children, from either or both partners in a relationship.

It is easy at the start of a relationship to verbally or non-verbally "accept" children from previous relationships, without really analyzing our true emotions. We often say this to feel accepted by the partner who is a parent and to feel that we are still part of their world and not just our own. It is only natural to start off a step-family with a less than convincing display of emotion, because in all honesty, love between a child and prospective step-parent is not instant. The attraction is after all between the two adults in the relationship. Many complex feelings are involved. If the child's other parent is still living then their loyalty will almost always be attached to them, as their biological and therefore "real" parent. Even if a child's parent is absent or no longer living, that child will always feel a long lasting sense of duty and love toward their natural parent, that the step-parent should be careful to avoid trampling on. Respect for the absent parent's memory should be accorded.

When a couple are still getting to know each other it is a good idea to try and involve children in this process and gradually introduce them to their prospective step-parent. Children will react in vastly different ways. Some will feel an instant connection with their parent's new partner, with some younger children even wanting to call their parent's partner "Daddy" or "Mummy". Still others will have nothing to do with their parent's partner and may go to great lengths to separate the two, perhaps reasoning that both their natural parents will get back together again someday or that the new partner will just simply disappear. It is important to not take this too much to heart and let it ruin the relationship. From the child's point of view, this new person is usurping their parent's time, love and attention. To them, it may seem so unfair and make them wonder whether their parent will have enough love to go around.

After a husband and wife start living together this can create even greater problems, especially with regard to discipline. Friction is not uncommon during this stage. But don't despair! You will likely hear "you can't tell me what to do. You're not my mother/father". Again, this is to be expected. Actually, when you really think about it, even natural parents will tell their children to do something and it won't be done, so just because you're now the step-parent does not mean you will be instantly obeyed. To begin with, it will probably work out better if the natural parent disciplines the children and then gradually allow the step-parent to step in. Decisions regarding discipline can be more effectively accomplished if each spouse supports the other. If the child sees that each adult in the house is supporting the other, it will be much easier to administer discipline and see tangible results.

Divided loyalties will remain and the child may even start to feel guilty if he or she begins to love the step-parent. Do not force the issue and try to be the child's friend, rather than their parent. They will appreciate this more and not see you as such a threat. Avoid bad mouthing the absent parent, even if they mistreated your spouse in the past. They are still the natural parent of your step-child. This is an automatic strike against you as the step-parent and the wart on the end of your nose is bound to make its appearance at about this time! Spending time together with your spouse and step-child will help to forge a closer bond. Talk to your step-child, take an interest in their education and friends. Do things together that do not always have to involve your spouse. That way, you two can get to know one another better.

Remember that your step-child will leave home one day, but will always hold a special place in your spouse's life. Hopefully by then, you will have formed some kind of relationship with your step-child. They should be able to see you as an extra support network in their life. If you have put in your best effort, even if you are not a natural parent yourself, then the results should speak for themselves! The fairytales do not do step-parents justice. Being a step-parent is hard work, and the role people play is vastly unappreciated in society. But having said that, happy step-parenting!