How I Survived Shopping Cart Rage in the Grocery Store Parking Lot

There's a new psychological disorder that people should be aware of, especially if they go grocery shopping. It's called Shopping Cart Rage, and it could really put a dent in your day, not to mention your vehicle.

As I was wheeling my groceries to my car last week on double coupon day, I passed a young woman with a long blond ponytail who was approaching her car at about the same time, and I noticed, as she did, that her red sports car had somehow attracted two shopping carts to its rear bumper. The carts stood side by side with the front of each one resting against the car. What happened next was a direct result of the dreaded aforementioned SCR. The young woman, obviously miffed that at the carts resting on her rear, angrily took hold of one of the carts, backed it up, steered it around the side of her car, and gave it a violent heave directly towards a white SUV parked at the edge of the lot. My eyes widened as I watched the cart sail across the parking lot and smack into the driver's side of the white SUV. The young woman then grabbed hold of the second cart and sent that one sailing straight into the innocent white SUV as well. A woman who was backing out of a nearby parking stall slammed on her brakes to avoid the two projectiles, and her mouth dropped open as we both helplessly watched the carts hit their target.

The young woman, satisfied with her marksmanship, nonchalantly got into her sports car and drove off.

Parking lots just aren't the tranquil refuges they used to be. In fact it was in that same parking lot a few years back that I was the victim of AMSF (Accidental Mirror Smack Fury) and UDDH (Unintentional Door Ding Hysteria.)

It was a winter day and I was attempting to push/drag/pull my shopping cart through approximately twelve inches of slush and snow, and as I went to maneuver the cart between my car and the one parked next to me, my cart slid sideways in the snow and smacked the outer mirror of the other car. No damage was done but, as luck would have it, a woman (and I use the term loosely) was sitting in the passenger side of the other car and she promptly rolled down her window and cussed me out for hitting her mirror. I nervously apologized and as I hurriedly opened my car door to get away from the angry woman, my door flew open and smacked into her door. She then threatened my life repeatedly and said that if she wasn't a cripple she would get out of the car and beat the (insert cuss word here) out of me. I thought of trying to explain that I was driving a rental car that day because I had hit a deer the previous day and I wasn't familiar with the unnecessarily boat-like doors that appeared to be unnecessarily spring-loaded -- but instead I just thanked my lucky stars she was a cripple and got the heck out of there.

The only way to really protect yourself from parking lot hazards such as SCR, AMSF, and UDDH is to simply never go shopping again. But then that could lead to the dreaded FFH -- Famished Family Hostility.

All things considered, I think I'd rather brave the parking lot.