How to Take Over the Universe

So you want to take over the world? There's nothing to it! Just follow these simples steps, and you'll be in charge in no time.

1. Ask your mother to make you a peanut butter and mustard sandwich. Make sure she cuts the crusts off!

2. Ask her for a glass of milk.

3. When she goes to get the milk, sneak outside and superglue the sandwich to the side of your house. Use lots and lots of superglue.

4. When you mom get back, rub your stomach and say, "Wow, that was so good, I can't believe I ate it in one bite," so she doesn't get suspicious. Make sure and drink the milk.

5. In the morning, there will be a brontosaurus stuck to your building. (They can't resist peanut butter and mustard sandwiches.)

6. Learn how to ride the brontosaurus. Hint: they love to be scratched under their chins.

7. Name your brontosaurus Larry. (Skipping this step leads to disaster)

8. Take Larry on a trip to see the President of the United States . Tell the President that Larry is very hungry and then ask him if it's alright with him if you run the country for a little while. (It's ok not to mention that brontosauruses don't eat meat.)

9. Call up the leaders of the all of the other countries. Tell them that their mothers called and they're late for dinner. Try and make it sound like their mothers are really mad. Tell them you'd be happy to watch their countries while they're gone.

10. As ruler of everything, send out an e-mail to the entire world telling them that "TODAY IS A HOLIDAY!", and by your decree, no one is allowed to do any work, punishable by 15,000 days of long division. (Don't send this e-mail to the people who produce cartoons. The world can't live without cartoons, trust me.)

11. The next day, when people try and got to work, tell them that the decree says "TODAY IS A HOLIDAY!" and since today is today, they can't do any work either.

12. When the aliens see how much fun everyone is having, not working and watching cartoons, invite them to join us. When they arrive, feed them to Larry (It is not a well known fact that aliens are made up primarily of peanut butter and mustard.)

13. You can use the far off alien world to store up things no one needs, like neckties.

14. Find whoever wrote this and invite him to the White House. Build him his own castle, complete with a working drawbridge a moat. Offer him a million dollars and a big screen TV and tell him, "Thanks for the great advice!"