How to Talk to Your Aging Parents About Planning for Their Future

It can be hard to accept that our elderly parents may not always be able to sufficiently care for themselves. After all, these are the people who raised us, took care of us and did their best to guide us safely into adulthood. Now our roles are reversing--we may end up being the caregiver and our aging parents might look to us for guidance and help.

It might be uncomfortable to bring up subjects like finances, health issues or living arrangements. We may have unrealistic expectations and want our parents to be the capable and able-bodied people they've always been. However, beginning to talk to your aging parents about their future when they are healthy and of sound mind is much better than waiting until an illness or other crisis happens. The issues aging parents face are complex and won't be ironed out in one conversation but rather, are likely to be a ongoing dialogue. The sooner you start, the better off everyone will be.

How to Begin

This is probably the hardest part of talking to your aging parents about their future. It may take a great deal of courage to begin, but once the ice is broken, you'll likely find that each subsequent conversation gets easier.

How you begin will depend somewhat on the relationship you currently have with your aging parents. Obviously, the better your relationship, the more open they're likely to be about discussing personal issues with you. Regardless, try to bring up these sensitive subjects in a non-threatening way, and at a time when everyone is calm, rested and can focus on the conversation without interruptions.

If they refuse to talk at first, let it go and try again later. Attempting to push them into talking will only make them more defensive and stubborn. Let them know you're asking questions because you care about them and are concerned about their future, not because you want to take charge of their life. If they can see that you want to help them in planning for their future rather than make decisions for them, they are much more likely to talk.

How you phrase your concerns is just as important as what you say. For instance, rather than telling your aging parents you don't think they should stay in their house anymore, you can say, "I'm concerned this big house and yard are too much for you. What do you think?" Asking for their opinion at the end gives them the opportunity to express their own feelings, rather than responding defensively.

It might be helpful to talk about changes in their elderly friends and neighbors health or living conditions. Chances are, your aging parents have already been thinking about it, and wondering what they should do about their own situation. If so, they may actually appreciate being able to voice their concerns to someone they trust.

Asking open-ended questions and then listening quietly while your parents talk is the best way to understand what their wishes and concerns are, from their point of view. Your opinion may differ, and if so, you can deal with that in a non-judgmental way. For instance, ask them how they might do things differently if their plan doesn't work out.

What to Cover

The issues your aging parents face may seem overwhelming, and it may help to write them all down. Don't whip out your list in the middle of the conversation (that's just rude) but refer to it later to be sure everything is covered. Some questions to consider:

HEALTH & WELL BEING: How is their health and mental state? What medications are they taking? Do they need any help right now? Are they eating well? What health insurance do they have? Who are their doctors, and have they given them permission to speak with you about their care?

FINANCIAL: Have your aging parents written a will? Where is it kept and who is the executor? Where are financial records kept?

LIFESTYLE: Should your elderly parents still be driving? What would they like to do if they can't live on their own? What services and facilities are available in their community?

EMERGENCIES: If a catastrophic health problem arises, would they want a feeding tube or to be hooked up to life support? Do your elderly parents have a living will?

THE END: Funeral and burial arrangements are probably the hardest topic to bring up. Nevertheless, their death is inevitable, and it's better to find out what they want while they're still living and capable of expressing their wishes.

If you want to talk to your aging parents about planning for their future, the most important thing is to begin. If might not be easy at first; then again, few things in life are. Your elderly parents will probably really appreciate that you love them enough to be concerned about their future!