How to Talk to Your Child and Send the Right Message

Our children can drive us nuts. They don't understand the things that stress us out as parents. They know nothing of paying bills or trying to manage different types of relationships. The thing is, they aren't supposed to know these things. That's why they are kids. Yet, we sometimes expect them to know everything that we do or to take our word for things. Well, now who's being unrealistic?

One day a friend of mine came over. She was arguing with her son. In the midst of things, I realized that she was treating him as if he was his father. She called him names and told him how much he was like his father. Now, at different times, I had heard her talk about how much she hated his father. So, I asked her why she didn't just tell her son that she hated him. She looked at me as if I were insane.

What I meant was that mathematically speaking, she was really giving her son the idea that she hated him. She said she hated his dad, then told her son that he was just like his dad. She didn't realize until it was pointed out that she was more or less creating a middle man method of disliking her son. Sure she was disappointed in some of his behavior, but that didn't mean she actually hated him. Her words however were sending a different message.

When you are talking to your child, keep a couple of things in mind. Imagine that someone whom you really respect is standing there listening. Another way to do it is to ask yourself how you would feel if your child said the things to you that you are saying to him or her. Talk to your child the way you would want to be talked to. Use some of the suggestions below to help you send the right message to your child.

Avoid extremes. Avoid using words like "never, always, hate etc." because these are strong words that leave a lasting impression. They are also words that make for repetitive arguments.

Avoid passive aggressive conversations. You tell your child to take out the trash. He takes too long so you do it yourself, commenting that it's fine, you'll take care of it. What you really mean is that he should have gotten up when you asked him to. Your actions and words have left him no way to do the right thing or even say the right thing. You have also just taught him a very inappropriate way to handle anger.

Skip the name calling. Let's forget about the fact that it's just childish, rude and abusive to do this to your child. In the bigger picture, you are teaching your child to be rude and hurtful as he or she follows your example. You are also digging a pit for his or her self esteem since much of a child's perception of his or her worth depends on how the parents respond to the child. If you call them an idiot, then that's all they will strive to be.

Use words of encouragement. If your child has a dream of a future, then encourage them to do it. Don't knock a child's dreams. You had your own when you were a child and someone probably told you how impossible it was to achieve. What did that do to your future?

Give random praise. Let your child know that you see good things in him or her without them doing anything in particular. To do this lets your child know that you love them just for being them. It's important for your children to know that they don't have to do anything special to be special to you.

Of course, we are all going to make mistakes as we talk to our children, but if we just keep in mind that we are guiding their future self esteem and social skills, we can avoid some of the worst mistakes.