How to Talk to Children About Death and Dying

Many of us parents hesitate talking to our children about death and dying. Death is an unavoidable fact of life. It is hard for many adults to deal with so it is understandable that children would have an even more difficult time understanding it. Many children have major misconceptions about death and may even have been led to believe something other than the truth. Adults need to provide the truth with understanding and comfort.

Talking about death to children needs to be age appropriate. Telling a very young child too much or telling an older child not enough will cause other issues. When talking about death, try to incorporate your own religious beliefs and feelings. That may make it a little easier for the child to grasp what you are saying. Using examples of pets or even bugs outside that they may have stepped on can be helpful. It is a little easier to get a child to understand death if they have had a pet die in the past. Buying a goldfish is usually a helpful step. They tend to not live too long. Children understand better when they can relate their own experiences to the situation.

Children are aware of death long before we think. They watch cartoons and other television shows that often portrays death as something less important or tragic. Many children have also seen dead animals outside on the road or possibly dead bugs in the house. They realize more than we give them credit for in many situations.

Talking about death is the best way to get a child to feel comfortable with it. Keeping the lines of communication is vital, regardless of the age of the child. Talking about death should be honest and open. Lying is not a good idea in any situation. If a child is allowed to be open with the way that they are feeling, that helps them to understand and deal with it better. Being sensitive to the situation is very important. Do not put off questions if at all possible. Make answers age appropriate so that they totally understand what you are saying.

Most adults do not completely understand death themselves so they need to be aware that it is even harder to understand to a child. It may help to explain to the child that different people believe different things. Since everyone has their own opinions on death and afterlife, it is important to touch on this subject in case the child overhears other people talking. The afterlife is a topic that is extremely hard to talk about. Everyone has a different view on it. It can be a very scary subject to tackle with a child. Death in itself is a kind of mystery to a child so the afterlife, if there is one, can really prove to be puzzling to them.

Researchers have found that there are two factors that influence a child's perception of death - their personal experiences and their developmental stage. Religious and cultural backgrounds have a big influence on how one perceives death. Preschool children often perceive death as a reversible or temporary issue. Cartoons do not help that one bit. In a cartoon, the characters can die over and over and still come back to life. That can prove to be very confusing. At about age 5, most children start to realize that death is a final step in life. They start to realize at this age that all living things must die at some point. By age nine or ten, children begin to view death as an irreversible thing. They know now that all living things do die eventually. By the teen years, they begin to become more intrigued with the meaning of life, and death.

When there is a death in the family, especially one that happened with no notice, that can prove to be a difficult talk with a young child. Children may feel some type of guilt over the death. They may think that they are in some way responsible or that they did not get to spend enough time with the deceased. Some even think that a person died because they were bad and didn't deserve to have them in their lives. It can be a very difficult thing to explain. Children need to hear that they are in no way at fault and that they aren't being punished for something. Some children will even become angry over the death. They have trouble channeling their emotions and maybe the angry card gets dealt. Anger is a normal part of grief, even for a child. Children just need to be reassured that they are cared for and will not get into trouble for showing their emotions, even if it is anger. Some children become depressed. Another normal part of the grief process. Adults need to be there with constant reassurance for children that become depressed. If the condition lasts a long time or physical issues start to arise due to the depression, medical attention should be provided.

Mourning is a normal process that we all go through after experiencing a death of a loved one. We must go through this process to be able to move on. Mourning helps us to heal and deal with our own feelings and thoughts. Children are more apt to express their sadness on and off for a longer period of time and often at unexpected times. Remembering that each child is an individual and will deal with the grief in their own way is a good thing to keep in mind.

Just being a supportive parent and keeping the lines of communication open are key. Children are like sponges, they soak up everything they hear and see and sometimes those things get perceived a little differently than it should be. Be patient and open and your child should make it through the death of a loved one with the right attitude.

When I was eighteen years old, my father died. My father and his current wife at the time, my stepmother, had two children together that at the time were two and four years old. I remember being in the room when my stepmother told the kids that daddy won't be coming home again. She lied to them and it killed me inside. She told them that he died one way but in reality it was totally different. You should never lie to a child. They should find out the truth in an age appropriate way. Lying only complicates things not only at that time but later on down the road as well. If you want your children to be honest with you and trust you, you have to treat them the same and when it comes to death, it is no different.