How to Talk to Children and Teenagers About Divorce from a First-Hand Experience

The night my parents told my brother and me that they were separating was handled with almost military procedure. The very basic facts were reiterated - that my father was moving out of the house at the end of the week - but that it did not necessarily mean that they were going to divorce. They just needed time apart. The where he was going was settled but the why he was going was not. He did not tell us why he was leaving or when this was going to be resolved.

No matter how simple that statement may seem to be, it was enough to get me pulled out of classes by my teachers the next day who thought something was devastatingly wrong. When I told them that my parents were living apart, they apologized but seemed relieved that no one had died. I was in 9th grade and in that very awkward transitional phase from middle school to high school. Had I known that this separation would last another year and the divorce would take a year after that, I probably would have saved my tears for when I really needed them.

So time progressed and my parents attempted this kind of ritualistic get to know you again kind of dating. I know it was important for them to try to make their marriage work and I do not blame them for giving it a shot. But as a teenager watching this all, I became more and more convinced that they might get back together. When they did not and finally told us that they wanted a divorce, I felt every bit as emotionally exhausted as my mother. The up and downs of their relationship were not private enough. My suggestion for those who are in simply a separated state is to keep matters quiet. You don't know how things will turn out and until you know for sure, your children do not need know. The idea of keeping your kids in the dark may seem dishonest to some but a little personal grief now might spare you a lot down the road.

I think divorce is so common in America now days that people have started to become immune to its implications which can be severe. The longer a couple is together is marriage, the harder the breakup can be for the children. They simply assume that their parents will always be together. My parents had celebrated their 25th anniversary and three years later, they were living apart. I honestly expected 25 more from them.

I could have found out they were divorcing in a worst way but I definitely could have out in a better way. I found my mother crying and my brother watching television. I finally got the truth out of her and when I looked to my brother for comfort, he simply said it won't be any different from the way things are now. He had already started protecting himself. I needed to learn to do the same but I knew not how.

Every time I found my mother crying took a little part of me until I was basically nothing. My dad vocally blamed my mom for putting me in the middle but every time he ragged on her, he was doing just the same thing. Anyone who has had their loyalties divided like that know that is excruciating. I did not want to be around my mom but at the same time, I did not want to leave her at home too much for fear that she would just spend the time balling. I knew my dad had left her but I still could not bring myself to hate him.

My best advice when it comes to talking with children about divorce is to assume they are the most sensitive people on the planet. Tell them as few details as possible and keep them sheltered from everything that happened. Think of it this way. You can always let them know more, little by little, if they ask, but you cannot take away what they find out. I wish I did not know some of the stuff I know now. There is a difference between what happens in a marriage and what happens in a family. Some of what happens between spouses should just remain between them. Trying to make the other parent look bad really only makes someone look worse and hurts children even more. No matter what age they are at, the pain does not diminish.

My therapist explained the reason for their divorce is the best way imaginable in my point of view. I remember her saying something along the lines of, "People get involved with marriages expecting love to solve all their problems. And unfortunately, sometimes it's just not enough." That was the right size of information. My questioning was answered and the blame was not placed on anyone. Parent-child relationships are tough enough to sustain without extra baggage being put on. Being my mom's best friend and trying to be my daddy's little girl made me grow up so fast. Let your kids stay kids as long as possible.