How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex, Drugs and Clothing-Optional Beaches

We all worry about our kids and the choices they make. We worry that they will make us grandparents before we can throw our first graduation party. We worry that we will get that phone call in the middle of the night form the hospital, police station, or Mexico. And we worry that all those pictures we took of their naked little bottoms will turn them into exhibitionists.

Not to fear. Find here the advice gathered from many experienced parents on how to deal with these awkward situations.

When talking to your teenager about S-E-X, always use cute euphemisms. Calling the action a 'special hug' or simply 'the act' will save yourself and your child unnecessary embarrassment. Be sure that your teen understand that this is not a recreational activity and it doesn't even feel all that good until they are of a certain age. Preferably 30. Be sure your daughter carries a condom with her on her dates to hold between her knees to keep her legs together. Your son will not need a condom as he is expected to keep his libido under control for fear that his winky-doo with shrivel up and fall off.

Alcohol use by teens is an dangerous epidemic is this country. Never have alcohol available to your teen at home, even if it means you must consume every last drop of cooking sherry yourself. Some teens abuse certain mouthwashes for their alcoholic content. To insure this never happens to your teen, discourage them from rinsing their mouth out after brushing. This will serve the dual purpose of keeping them sober and abstinent!

Does your teenage son wear his pants halfway down around his backside? Is your daughter falling out of her tank top? This is typical of today's youth and simply cannot be tolerated! When your child is not at home, raid their closets and dressers, burning all of those undesirable clothes and replacing them with more conventional, socially acceptable outfits. Make your son stand out from the pack by providing him with a weeks supply of dark blue dress pants and a variety of button down shirts, ranging from plaid to pinstripe. He'll thank you for this when all the girls comment on how sharply dressed he is! Your daughter will appreciate those lovely ankle length skirts you lovingly picked out for her, with mix and match blouses and cardigans. Nothing makes a girl feel prettier!

Don't worry if your teen balks at your actions at first, this is to be expected, just be patient and persevere and eventually your teen will see the wisdom of your actions.