How to Talk to People with Autism

Whether the person with autism you know is low-functioning or high functioning it is guaranteed that they view the world around them differently than people without autism do. This includes they way they hear the world around them, and how they hear you, or rather, what you have to say.

A person with autism sees the world the way it is, in stark, blaring reality. They do not see or hear insinuations or hints, and they do not 'read between the lines'. The neurotypical individual, however, the person without an autism spectrum disorder, only thinks they do, and this can lead to some very real misunderstandings. Here are some tips to keep in mind when speaking with a person on the spectrum:

Be Literal

A normal person has a tendency to generalize and be abstract with what they say instead of being precise or literal. This is confusing to the person with autism. "In a few minutes" could mean anything between 3 minutes and 30. If you mean 5 minutes, or even between 5 and 10 minutes, say so. A specified time-frame is better than an abstracted one. Saying that something "doesn't cost that much" is very generalized and depends heavily upon what the person speaking believes is a reasonable sum. When you can, be precise. "The hotel only cost $100 per night for the entire family" as opposed to "We got it at a good rate". Again, if you can't specify exactly, giving a specified range is acceptable. "I think it was between $90 and $100 per night."

When speaking to children on the spectrum, and adults with additional cognitive difficulties, it is even more important to be as precise as possible because they have a smaller base of remembered or understood experiences to extrapolate from than higher functioning adults with HFA or Asperger's Syndrome. Trying to get an autistic child to begin their bedtime routine by saying "It's almost time for bed" is likely to be met with either panic or total disregard. A constructive alternative is, "It's time to start getting ready for bed." If you have to be somewhere by a specific time don't expect them to determine by what time you need to leave. Instead of saying "School starts in 30 minutes" say "We need to leave for school in 20 minutes." Younger children, and the more cognitively delayed may have no idea how long it takes to get to school, even if it's a trip they've made everyday for the last year. One the same issue, assuming that a higher functioning person doesn't know can be insulting and be met with resistance.

Directions Posed As Questions

This is probably the number one source of miscommunication between a person with autism and a person without it. Parenting experts have been telling us for the last 40 years that if you want a child to do something it is best to ask them if they would like to do it and allow them to come to the 'correct' conclusion on the their own. An autistic usually will not come to the conclusion you want them to, and will end up feeling frustrated and resentful with you for not being clear about what you want. It can be very hard to remember to speak this way because society has evolved to believe that it is rude to simply tell someone to do something. We've been taught to give people options, and while giving options is a good thing, giving them when you aren't prepared to deliver one of the options is actually dishonest. If you want your autistic child to begin cleaning up their play area don't say "Would we like to pick up our toys now?" Chances are you'll be met with a very firm, "No". Instead, give a polite direction, "It's time to pick up the toys. Please help me." Notice I didn't use the word 'our' in the second sentence to describe the toys. If the toys belong to the child, then they do not belong to the speaker, and an autistic very often picks up on this. It's a little thing, but it makes the speaker appear patronizing to the autistic, especially if this is a manner of speaking that is used a lot.

When speaking to an adult or higher functioning individual on the spectrum posing a direction as a question may open you up to tormenting, believe it or not, or at least appear to. "Can you pass me the salt?" might be met with "Yes I can" or simply "yes" but not followed by any action. They may continue what they were were doing, making it appear as if they're intentionally being rude. The truth is, you asked if they 'can', not if they would. Instead try, "Please, pass me the salt." This is both polite and direct.

The Magic Word Is... Now

When we ask someone to do something we very often simply expect them to know by when or at what time we would like it done. "Please, go to the store and get milk" is not enough for many autistics. If you're living with a high functioning adult or teenager who is capable of running errands or assuming regular household responsibilities this can be especially frustrating. And it's especially frustrating for them if you get mad at them because you failed to specify a deadline or time-frame. "I need you to go to the store, now, and get milk, please" when said in a polite tone will usually get better results. It conveys what and when without sounding like a taskmaster. Adding an addendum, like "I need it as soon as possible" or "You can finish what you're doing" will help to specify things even better.

This practice is very important for children, who are still learning the basic concepts of interaction and how their actions, or lack of actions, effect others. Saying things like, "I need you to pick up your toys now so I can vacuum" helps them to begin learning these principles. "We need to brush your teeth now so your sister can use the bathroom to take a shower" and "Pass me your plate now so I can take it to the sink" explains to younger children why the action needs to be done at that time. They can also be used later, by parents and social skills instructors, as examples to help them understand various situations. Remember, autistic children have very little, if any, theory of mind and can very rarely attribute realistic feelings and reactions to hypothetical situations.

Small changes in the way we speak to people on the autism spectrum can make huge differences in the way we communicate. When that happens, they way they communicate starts to change as well, and usually for the better.