How to Talk to Your Son About Girls and Dating

My son was one of those individuals who could charm any woman he met, from the moment he was born. I was concerned that I'd need to put a warning label on him rather than talking to him about dating. He had girlfriends from the age of three years old. He also thought we were operating a clothing optional household. However, all of this changed when he hit puberty at the ripe old age of ten.

He became so modest that he covered himself from head to toe and never went around with a bare chest or exposed legs. Oh, and the girls became just friends even though they would have liked more. Then, at the end of middle school he began to see girls beyond friendship. During this time I was also working as a youth pastor
and as a youth leader in two different youth groups. This article comes out of all of those experiences.

These are some of my tips for talking to your son about girls and dating:

1. The first thing you need to know, is your son ready for this subject. It's a little like potty training. If he's not ready you're wasting your time. If his reaction tends to be one big 'yuck' or 'ew', and he's squirming, he's not ready.

If he rolls his eyes and says "Oh, Mom." or "Oh, Dad." in a disgusted tone, he's probably ready. Or if he comes to you with questions or comments about girls beyond platonic friendship type subject matter, then he's ready. Allow his interest to guide you on when to approach the subject, and how to deal with it. Allow his need to direct the conversation.

I remember when I kept trying to talk to my son about sex and relationships with girls, his first reactions were an impatient "Mom, you don't need to tell me about those things. I know all about them." I knew he wasn't ready. But when he came to me and wanted to talk to me about specific girls and relationship issues I realized that he
was prepared for an ongoing conversation.

2. The the key thing about this subject is that it's an ongoing thing that evolves with time, maturity and the different situations you both find yourselves in. How you deal with this subject while your son is under your roof will determine how this conversation will evolve when he becomes an adult and moves into his own life.

This is when you can either teach your son to trust you or to know to never speak to you about this subject. If you teach him to trust you with such a sensitive and delicate matter, he will trust you with the important things in his life when he really needs you, when he's an adult.

3. The most important thing you need to remember about this age group, with this subject, is that your son needs a friend. He doesn't need a lecturing parent or long winded teacher, even though you are the parent.

4. Be available to his questions. Listen to what he says and hear his concerns. Ask him questions about his concerns and his perspective. Listen to his answers.

5. Discuss your own experiences that relate to what concerns him. Especially relate the ones that show you as human and not this perfect person. Kids like to hear about real life experiences that relate to their situations. They like to hear about how we encountered scary relationship situations and survived to tell about them.

6. Above all, the most important things are to be available to his questions and comments and do not play with his head. In other words, be honest with him even if the particular situation in question doesn't exactly show you in the best light. If you screwed up with some of your relationship situations then be truthful with him and discuss what you would have done instead, if you had an opportunity at a do-over. If you made some good decisions, tell him that also and tell him why you think they were good decisions.

7. Take his concerns seriously and if he asks for his discussions to be kept confidential, then respect that. This is when a young person has the potential to feel their most naked or most validated depending upon how you deal with the situation and what kind of respect you honor them with. This can also decide if your son will have a helping hand up in life in dealing with the important things in his life or some emotional baggage that he's going to need to unload at some later date.

This is the advice I followed with my son and with the kids we pastored. Even though it's years later, he and they still come to me when they really need someone to discuss a particularly delicate situation in their lives.

Note: This would also work with your daughter. I did apply this advice to both boys and girls. But I only have a son, so I wrote from that perspective.