How to Talk to Your Spouse About Your Sexual Desires

Do you have sexual desires that you would like fulfilled but are unsure on how to go about in talking with your spouse about it? To help understand why it's difficult for some people to talk about their sexual desire with their spouse and for tips on how you can talk to your spouse about your sexual desires, I have interviewed sex therapist Julie Jeske, MS.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.
"I am a sex and relationship counselor in Portland, Oregon . I have a private practice where I work with individuals, couples and groups primarily around the areas of intimacy, relationships and sexuality. I received my master's degree in Couples, Marriage and Family Counseling from Portland State University . In addition to my private practice, I am the relationship expert for "Studio6" on KOIN6. You can learn more about my practice at www.juliejeske.com. I am also working on a book about women's sexuality and love to share sex and relationship tips on my blog at www.juliejeske.com/blog ."

Why is it difficult for some people to talk about their sexual desires to their spouse?
"For some people it is difficult to talk about sex in general. It may because they don't have practice talking about sex or they worry about sounding foolish. Throw sexual desire into the mix and it can be even more difficult. Desire is deeply personal and we are often attached to our desire. It's similar to our hopes and dreams. If we share our hopes and dreams with someone and they laugh at us or tell us our dreams are silly it can be devastating. Desire is similar. Sexual desire is usually very private and personal and the thought of someone judging that desire is really scary. For some people the risk of being judged or ridiculed is too great and they keep their desire to themselves."

What type of impact can not talking about one's sexual desire with our spouse have on the marriage?
"Keeping your sexual desire from your partner creates distance. It becomes something you are keeping secret from your partner. The distance might initially be related to sex but that can bleed into other areas. It can also cause resentment. You may begin to feel resentment because you aren't getting what you want or need. Your partner may feel resentment because you are keeping something from him or her.

At its most dangerous, it means you are not getting your needs met in your relationship. If that is happening, then you might try to get your needs met elsewhere. If you have an affair you could run the risk of damaging your relationship past the point of repair."

What are sometips on how someone can talk about their sexual desires with their spouse?
"The easiest way to start talking about sexual desire is to make sure you are talking about other things. Get in the habit of communicating with your partner in general and then talking about sex will be a lot easier. Once you've got communication down, you can start talking about sex. It might be easier to start talking about things you like about sex. Share what is working or give your partner compliments. Then when you feel safe and comfortable you can move on to sharing your desires or your wishes.

Set the tone for the conversation first. Talk about any nerves you might have and ask your partner for what you might need (for example you might ask your partner to listen without responding or you might ask him to tell you your desires are okay). When talking about a difficult topic, start with the positive. For example you might say, 'I really love the way you kiss me and I also think it might be sexy to be tied up some time while you kiss me.' We all like to receive compliments and your partner might be so pleased with hearing he or she is a good kisser that it will be easy to receive the information about your desire. You can also ask your partner to share his or her desires first. Once he or she has shared their desires it might be easier for you to open too.

Lastly, if you are worried about your partner hearing your desire as criticism, share that. Tell him or her that just because you want something new doesn't mean you are unhappy with your sex life. Share that this is something you want in addition to your current sexual expression."

What type of professional help is available for someone that has a difficult time talking about their sexual desires with their spouse?
"Working with a sex therapist or counselor can help you identify your sexual desires and learn to communicate them to your partner. You can go to individual counseling or try couples counseling (couples counseling will be more helpful if you both have trouble talking about sex). In addition to individual or couples counseling you might find a group or workshop that will help you develop skills to communicate your desire. You can find such groups through a therapist or counselor. If you have a local sex toy store you might find classes there as well. There are also plenty of books on the topic of sex or communication. You can also find tips for communicating about sex on my blog '" www.juliejeske.com/blog. Communicating your desires is a skill and like anything else, it can be learned. There is no shame in getting a little help so that you can improve your sex life."

Thank you Julie for doing the interview on how to talk to your spouse about your sexual desires.

Recommended Readings:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6138148/sexual_intimacy_for_aging_couples.html?cat=5">Sexual Intimacy for Aging Couples

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5954658/are_you_in_a_sexless_marriage.html?cat=5">Are You in a Sexless Marriage?

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5644514/increasing_your_sexual_activity_in.html?cat=5">Increasing Your Sexual Activity in Marriage