How to Talk to Your Teenager: Five Steps to Success!

There once was a time when your child couldn't wait to come home from school to tell you all about their day. You knew who their friends were, what groups they listened to and what they liked to do for fun. Now you're over the moon if a general question about their day fetches an eye roll or a sigh. If your adolescent is responding to initiations for conversation with one word answers, the solutions outlined below just might be what you need to develop a closer relationship with the distant young adult who has taken over the body of your once precious child.

1. Speak their language: For the love of all that is good, don't start talking like P Diddy or Ludacris even if you know who those people are. What I mean is, teenagers are communicating much differently than you and your friends did -- by way of email and text messaging. I encourage you to text message them with little tidbits of information or messages such as "hope you had a good day at school" ... or "let me know if you need a ride to practice later". They may not respond at first but they will know that you are thinking of them, and better yet, that you aren't embarrassing them by calling their cell phones in front of their oh-so-important-and-cool friends. The same goes for email, things that your teen may not want to say to you directly they may feel more comfortable sharing over email. Better yet, let them know that you are willing to only communicate about certain topics over email for their comfort and won't bring up say, their most embarrassing moments, over dinner.

2. Timing is everything: Don't attempt conversation while they are busy talking to (and trying to impress) their friends. Nothing shuts a teenager up faster than a parent who wants to publicly crush the myth they have their friends believing. You know, the one where either a. they have no parents and were dropped from the sky, or b. that these people they were sent to live with can't tell them what to do. So long as no one is partaking in illegal activities or destroying property, leave them to their displays of coolness and take them aside if you have something to say. Believe me, they will remember it and be more likely to open up to you in the future. Along those lines, it is wise to choose a time to talk to your young adult when both of you are calm and in a receptive mood. I promise times like that will present themselves, usually after you have bought them something.

3. Treat your teen how you would want to be treated: This is truly universal and applies to everyone, including people who wear all black and listen to music that makes you wish you were deaf and pierce various body parts and who are giving you every gray hair on your head. The key to open communication is mutual respect. If you fly off the handle like Sean Penn did with photographers in the 80's every time your teen reveals something to you that is difficult or surprising to hear, it will close communication all together. Try to remain calm, reasonable, and rational in your exchanges with them and make attempts to compromise or come to solutions together that you are satisfied with and that they can at least live with.

4. Respect their privacy: Yes, you are their legal guardian and it is completely reasonable to expect to know where they are going, who they are going with, and how to contact them. It is not reasonable to grill them about every move they've made, or every conversation they've had while they were there. It is not okay to read diaries or check emails. The only exception is in literal situations of life or death (they are suicidal, doing drugs, etc). You may want to know about your daughter's first kiss or whether or not your son has ever taken a sip of beer. Depending on how they think you will react, they may or may not tell you. Let me save you the suspense -- she has probably had a few kisses and he has probably taken a few sips. That does not a harlot or an alcoholic make. It is not ideal of course, but so long as your teen is doing well in other areas of their life (in school, at their part-time job, on their sports team) and they are dependable and reliable, chances are there is no cause for concern.

5. Don't rule with an iron fist: You are in charge. Everyone knows that, especially your teenager so there is no need to turn into Stalin in an attempt to communicate or to gain more control. This will be met with resistance on all fronts. Having rules and expectations are reasonable but insisting for instance that your teen eat dinner with the family every single night come hell or high water no matter what is something that can be negotiated depending on the circumstance. Involve your teen in the process of rule-making. Suppose they have an eleven pm curfew but there is a movie their friends are dying to see and the early show is sold out. You can negotiate them attending the 10pm showing if they have proven trustworthy in the past so long as they agree to be home immediately after. One of the biggest ways to encourage communication from your young adult is to recognize that they are indeed, a young adult and treat them as such.

This isn't the Brady Bunch folks. Gone are the days (if they ever existed) of your teenager skipping home from school to have milk and cookies with you at the kitchen table as they involve you in all the details of their life. The good news is, you can still have a close relationship with your child as they approach adulthood, even if it is from your laptop. If you're lucky, they may even stop by in person to have a chat. Better keep a roll of store bought cookie dough in the freezer just in case.