How to Talk to Your Teenager Using Music

Do we want to communicate with our teens or do we just let them pass through this phase and hope for the best? Understanding their culture, learning to love and embrace them on their turf, so to speak, is quite an experience. Though they know who Mom and Dad are, they just don't feel we know who they are. I am no expert in child behavior but I can tell you, for my son and me, music seems to have broken through a few walls.

At any rate, I had a wonderful discussion recently with my teenage son, Layne, about the music he listens to. Ten minutes into our conversation I wondered if my child would ever talk this much again. Surprisingly (not to him I'm sure), he had intelligent things to say. But more to the point, because I was willing to listen he was willing to open up just enough to let me peek into the shadows of his life. Eventually, through the course of our communication, my sixteen-old revealed a part of himself, random raw emotions included, without yelling or giving the usual short answers like "no" or "I don't know."

It was ten o'clock at night and he was watching a show on KTV (Dish Network) called TVU (complete with toll free and confidential help/hotline); music television for our youth which covers every genre from heavy metal to hip hop. Secretly, I started ranking the heavy metal bands he liked according to the quality of music, or video, and the lyrics. I inquired about the band, "As I Lay Dying" (number 5 on our Mom-approved heavy metal list).

"Good music," he said

"As I Lay Dying" is hard core heavy metal, their website shows off a very artistic skull, there is hair flying in their videos, lots of screaming, heads banging, yet lyrics that will make young and old search their hearts.

For what use is there, is there in praying

If you will only hear what you want to hear

(As I Lay Dying, lyrics from the song, "The Sound of Truth." Album: "An Ocean Between Us.")

TVU continued till 2:00am and we managed to keep talking till the final song was done. I remembered to not be too quick to interject my own opinions. Instead, I asked questions that I thought would concern my son about life, his life. All the while I brought up what was important to him . . . the music.

It's all right to not like your child's style of music. They most likely would prefer that you didn't. One of the members of "Demon Hunter," (Mom-approved number 2 band) had this to say about our sons and daughters.

"Kids see music as something that defines them. They can either be defined by worldly music, or by positive, Christ-centered music. Although some parents may hear our music and jump to the conclusion that we must condone evil because we have a heavy sound and the vocals can seem very abrasive, what they don't know is that their kids dig deeper than that. Kids don't stop at the appearance. They get into the music in a way that their parents could never imagine them doing. They learn about the band, meticulously read the lyrics, and they look to get something out of it. At an impressionable age, they may very well take to heart whatever it is they're being told in a song. What we offer them is a Christian perspective. It's just wrapped in a package that looks a little more aggressive than what you might be used to seeing in Christian music. And if you ask why we would appear that way, I would ask why your child is interested in listening to us."

Interestingly enough, I found this to be very true about my son. He knew all about the bands he listened to; the members, the lyrics, the clothes, and even the lifestyles. The lead singer from Disciple (number eight on our list), while playing at The Sunday Night Gig (Calvary Chapel Golden Springs), said something to the affect that if you sing or listen to lyrics about sex, drugs and whatnot, you'll probably live it. No doubt if the words are positive, and even Godly, it will also influence our kids in a positive manner.

My boy is a musician, a drummer in a heavy metal band, and what he was asking for was my respect, which he was beginning to earn throughout the course of the early morning. When faith entered the conversation, he did not hold back.

Church is boring. Now there's something we've never heard before-pardon the sarcasm. Each generation has said it. So I asked him what it was he wanted from church. The reply was rather refreshing: "A place where I can be me. Rip out the carpet . . . graffiti the walls . . . bring back our stage and set up the drums with a double bass and cage. Re-arrange the furniture or better still give it away and we'll sit on the ground, bean bags or amps. Talk to me about God but make it relevant . . . I don't understand what you're trying to tell me." This, he said, only applied to the youth room. Apparently, we could keep the main sanctuary in tact.

In any case, have you ever heard your child say, "I don't fit in." Did you have an answer for him? "That's life," or "You'll get over it," and "Try harder," would, most likely, fall on deaf ears. They will fit in somewhere, and they will find good friends . . . hopefully . . . but they are on a path of discovering exactly how and where they fit. And as a parent all we can do is make sure we find our way to leading them there. It's tricky and we might stumble a little along the way. Like I told my son, "you'll have to give me some slack too. I've never been a mother of a sixteen-year-old boy, but I have been sixteen."

Nevertheless, as we continued to talk about faith, The Almost entered the conversation (number four on our list). Their song "Amazing, Because It Is," is how worship should be done, according to Layne of course. I must confess though, he might be right. Had I not been introduced to this band I would not have known that my son was even interested in worship music.

When youngsters of the band The Devil Wears Prada blared onto our screen, we were getting a little sleepy. Therefore, since I did want to talk a little more, it was a good thing these kids were a bunch of screamers. They were pleasant to look at, even with their tattoos, and extremely positive, though you might need to listen very, very carefully. You have to get pass the "screamo" thing.

The Devil Wears Prada is number three on our Mom-approved list with lyrics like, "Here lies my pride, don't come back. Here lies my pride, just die," from the song "Gauntlet of Solitude." Eighteen-year-old boys do have something to say. They also like to tell their fans that all your pretty clothes and good looks will mean nothing in the end. Now there's something to talk about on MTV. And yes, their video "Hey John What's Your Name?" is played there.

Here are the other bands Layne and I watched, mom ranked and rated. Fireflight with "Unbreakable" comes in at number six-can't go wrong, they have a girl lead singer with powerful vocals. Haste the Day we'll put right behind them at number seven. We both loved their video, "Stitches." Of course, there's always POD from San Diego (number 9) and I thought we should add Paramore at number ten.

In the end, we both picked the band Red for our number one spot for their awesome hard driving melodic tunes. Their lyrics hit home with Layne and when my twenty-year-old daughter came to visit for Christmas even she was impressed. I believe if given another chance, the three of us would gather in front of the fireplace and talk about lyrics like "Pieces" which, no doubt, could sum up all our lives. Apparently, as Red's young fans claim, these guys just get it. They are a wonderful topic of discussion with your teen.

Of course, our kids are probably listening to a few bands we will never like for one reason or another. But why should that stop you from asking the good question? Don't tell them it's too loud, or even worse . . . it's from the Devil! Do the kids know what the lyrics are all about? If the words are negative, mention drugs, suicide etc. Perhaps we should ask our children why it's important for them to listen to it. Can we find a way into their lives without yelling or slamming doors? With a little patience I think we could.

So in the end, it would probably benefit us if we found out what our children's passions are and show some genuine interest in what they tell you. Perhaps your teenager loves art, film or how about cooking? It wouldn't hurt to look for a creatively nice way to say something more than, "Oh that's interesting." Do a little bit of research if you have to and try not to judge. Listen carefully to what they are saying and remember . . . you were young once.