How to Talk to Your Tween/Teen About Sexual Abuse

As a parent of three girls and a boy, these statistics frighten me. They also make me realize that a discussion about sexual abuse is one of the more vital ones parents need to have with their children. But it isn't the easiest subject to bring up. How does one prepare a child with the knowledge they need to prevent sexual abuse without scaring them?

Unfortunately, most cases of sexual abuse start when children are very young-when they neither understand what's happening to them nor how to explain it to an adult. At that age, the only thing a parent can do is to teach them about right (such as how Mom or Dad have to help them use the toilet or wash them at bathtime) and wrong (inappropriate, excessive, or anything that hurts or causes discomfort) touching.

Tweens and teens are both easier and more difficult to speak with about sexual abuse: Easier because they understand most of the mechanics of sex as well as what is and isn't appropriate. More difficult because stereotypically they feel they know what they need to know and think they can protect themselves. A discussion about sexual abuse is crucial at this age because they need to know it can still happen to them and, most importantly, they need to know they can turn to parents if something did happen.

Here are some important tips from the Little Warriors website that parents should make note of in order to open up and talk about sexual abuse with their children, tweens and/or teens.

(1) Be open and approachable: Teach your children about their bodies, about what abuse is, and about sex. Teach them words that help them discuss sex comfortably with you. If you need it, use a website (such as Little Warriors) as a backdrop discussion tool. Then you can show and talk at the same time, if you are more comfortable doing so.

(2) Teach through observation: Model caring for your own body, and teach children how to care for theirs. If your tween/teen has respect for his or her body, he or she will be less likely to allow it to be disrespected and more likely to let you know when others are treating them in a sexually inappropriate manner.

(3) Give them tools: Teach that it is "against the rules" for adults or peers to act in a sexual way with them and use examples. Let them know what the boundary is between appropriate and inappropriate touching and when the line is crossed. Essentially, any touching or conversation that makes one feel uncomfortable is inappropriate and should stop immediately.

(4) Be straight about the facts: Give your tween/teen the necessary statistics, which situations they should avoid, and also that it isn't always a stranger who abuses or molests. Make it clear that the abuser might be an adult friend, family member, an older youth or even a peer.

(5) Give them the edge of Internet savvy: Teach children not to give out their email addresses, home addresses, or phone numbers while using the Internet. And let them understand-no matter how old they are-never to meet up with someone they've met online. Most importantly, monitor what they're up to online.

(6) Start early and talk often: Although it's suggested to start in the preschool years-with what is "good" and "bad" touching-use your own discretion as to when to start. It isn't just a matter of age-appropriate subject matter, it's also what a child's level of understanding is. But try to start talking about how to prevent sexual abuse as early as possible. Use everyday opportunities to talk about sexual abuse. For example, there may be openings during a favorite television show, while they're online or if you're driving them somewhere.

(7) Be proactive: Watch for signs, stay informed and talk about sex and sexual abuse openly. As well, be in tuned with your child's behavior. If he or she seems uncomfortable, or resistant to being with a particular adult, ask why.

(8) Be there: If you've done everything on this list, the only other thing you can do is be there to talk to or answer questions if/when they need to. The worst thing we can do to tweens/teens is be over-protective. Parents have to give their children tools, all the information, teach them how to handle themselves then trust them to do what's right. If your tween/teen knows they can come to you, they will. At the very least, parents need to let their tween/teen know talk to someone they trust, even if it isn't the parent.

According to the "Little Warriors" website (and many psychologists, counselors, police officers and other adults will agree with them), adults should be taking proactive steps to protect children from risk of sexual abuse. Children should not be made to feel it is their responsibility to fend off the sexual advances of an adult. Adults are the ones who need to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to child sexual abuse. Yet, the statistics clearly show that adults aren't shouldering this responsibility. Little Warriors believes that adults just don't know how.

I believe it only takes a few minutes of our time to give children what they need to help them prevent a lifetime of pain. Isn't a bit of initial discomfort in the subject matter worth that?

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Child sexual abuse is a hidden but significant problem in many communities. Research clearly shows that individuals who are sexually abused as children are far more likely to experience psychological problems often lasting into adulthood, including Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, depression, substance abuse and relationship problems. Child sexual abuse does not recognize region, race, creed, socio-economic status or gender; it crosses all boundaries to impact any community and any person.