How to Teach Your Child to Behave Well in Restaurants

With so much recent media attention focused on a North Carolina restaurant that has banned screaming kids, some parents may be wondering whether or not their own family might be targeted if local restaurants begin implementing the same types of practices. Teaching a kid to behave in a restaurant doesn't have to be complicated or even too difficult. It does take commitment, along with a real desire to help your child become a more functional individual in public. If more restaurants begin banning badly behaved kids, you don't want your family to be targeted. If you are interested in teaching your child to behave well in restaurants, consider these methods used by a set of parents whose children regularly get complimented by strangers in restaurants for their good behavior.

Obviously, these guidelines are for working with children who are not affected by Autism or other developmental challenges. Clearly, a different set of techniques and expectations would be appropriate for children who must function within the confines of such conditions. This article in no way intends to insinuate that children affected by developmental challenges should be lumped into the same group as children who, despite being developmentally able to control and understand their own behaviors, simply behave poorly. With that said, the following strategies can be very effective for children with mainstream developmental capabilities.

When dining with babies and toddlers, just use common courtesy

Nobody is suggesting that you sit your six month old infant down and tell him or her that you expect appropriate behavior in the restaurant. Babies cry when they are tired, frightened, overstimulated, or feeling unwell, and it's completely plausible that any, or all, of these triggers may occur while trying to dine in a restaurant. Just use common courtesy in these situations. It's one thing for a baby to fuss a bit, or to even get a little irate for a minute or two. But it is entirely another for a baby to scream and cry for several minutes, and the other people dining in a restaurant should never have to listen to your baby scream for very long. Most of them have been, or are, parents. So, they understand a howl here and there. But making everyone else suffer while your baby screams for longer than 3 or 4 minutes straight is just really poor form. It's your baby, so get up and carry her outside to get some fresh air, change her diaper in the car, or walk her to sleep. Just use common courtesy. Would you want to listen to somebody else's baby scream at the top of their lungs for an extended period of time while you were trying to enjoy a meal? No? Well, nobody else wants to, either.

With older kids, discuss expectations before going into the restaurant

If two parents will be dining with the kids, then both parents need to agree on what is expected, and then they both need to communicate those expectations to the kids. This conversation should happen before leaving the house, and again in the car once you've parked at the restaurant, but before you go in. These expectations can (and should) include items such as: 1. Everyone stays in their seats unless they have permission to get up; 2. There will be no shouting or screaming; 3. Under no circumstances whatsoever will anyone throw food. You may find that your particular children need a different set of expectations, or all of these and then some. For instance, my children would have never dreamed of throwing food, because they already knew that such behavior was not tolerated at home. So, address the behaviors that are specifically relevant to your children. At the end of this discussion, it helps to summarize by explaining to your children that you will not tolerate any behavior that makes this meal difficult on anyone; including yourselves and other restaurant patrons. Considering the possibility that more restaurants around the country will begin to ban badly behaved kids, you can also explain to your child that it's possible that the people who work at the restaurant will actually make your entire family leave if the child behaves badly.

Have a solid plan for consequences

Okay, so you've had the "expectations" conversation, and now your kid is yelling in the restaurant, anyway. What do you do now? The single most effective consequence that my husband and I have used with our children (and honestly, through 4 children, we've only had to do this a handful of times, and that's because it works), is to simply take the child outside of the restaurant. Once outside, explain to the child very calmly and matter-of-factly that the two of you are going to stay outside until they decide they can stop yelling (or throwing food, crawling on the floor, etc.). You have to be willing to miss your meal in order for this to work. You likely won't have to, unless your kids are already accustomed to behaving really badly in restaurants. My children were always ready to pull themselves together and control their behavior within 5 to 15 minutes. This method eliminates the need to yell, or hit, or demean a child. You simply remove them from the situation, explain that they can either stand outside and be hungry or go inside and enjoy time with the rest of the family, and then you let them feel the consequences of their decision. Personally, if any one of my children would have ever caused us to miss the entire meal, I would have not allowed them to eat again until the next meal. Making them their favorite sandwich as soon as you get home isn't going to cut it, because they will have experienced no real consequence for missing the restaurant meal. Let them be hungry for a few hours. That way, the next time you are in a restaurant and need to guide them to improve their behavior, you can remind them about the last time: "Remember last time this happened, you missed your meal and were really hungry?". If more restaurants begin banning families with kids who won't behave, this method can go a long way in avoiding being targeted. Plus, other restaurant patrons will really appreciate your effort to allow them to go on enjoying their meal. After all, it's your kid, and nobody else should have an experience that they paid for ruined on account of a kid that they aren't even responsible for.

Teach your children to think of others

Understandably, you want your children to behave in restaurants so that your family can enjoy your dining experience. However, the other main reason is so that they are not making other restaurant patrons miserable during the meal that they, too, paid for. It does children no service to neglect to teach them to consider other people! There were several times that I said quietly, but firmly, to one of my children: "Look around, do you see the other people in this restaurant?" I'd then give them a few seconds to look around and visually perceive that there were other people in the restaurant to be accountable to. Then I would say, "All of these people are trying to enjoy their meals, too. They paid to go out to dinner, and are trying to have an enjoyable time. It's not okay for you to ruin that for them". More often than not, that simple exercise helped my children to understand that their behavior was unacceptable, and not just to me, but to others. This exercise almost always helped us to avoid having to go to the next step, which was removing our children from the restaurant and standing outside with them.

In order for this to work, you, as the parent, need to actually care how your family affects other people - It's obvious that the vast majority of really badly behaved kids are the way they are because they don't have parents who care at all how they themselves affect others, and in turn, have taught their children to be the same way. In order to have children who behave appropriately in restaurants, then you have to have some considerations for others, as well. Thoughtless, lazy parents will most likely produce thoughtless, lazy kids. So, if your kid has made it to the age of 4 or 5 and is still behaving terribly in public places, then you need to take responsibility for your own part in that. When you're in a restaurant, consider the other people there. Some are families who rarely have the money to go out to dinner, and this may be the only time they'll be eating out over the course of several months. In other cases, the diners may be an older couple who can't get out of the house much, and a meal out in a restaurant is their only opportunity to do something a little extra special.

It all comes down to consideration for others, and if you are not a person who generally has consideration for others, then you need to teach yourself to think of others on a personal level. If you want your kids to be decent, well-behaved, quality people, then you have to be willing to strive to be one yourself. If more restaurants around the country begin to ask families who won't control their children to leave (and this mom of 4 hopes that this is exactly what happens, as I too am tired of having an experience ruined for my family because of another family who allows their children to cause misery and mayhem wherever they go), then taking ownership of behavior, both yours and your child's, will go a long way in insuring that your family will not be asked to leave a restaurant due to a badly behaved kid.