How to Tell Your Child They Are Dying

When children are affected by terminal illnesses it is heartbreaking for all involved. A child dying disturbs some of our deepest conventions: Children are symbols of future potential and hope. Therefore their deaths cause us to mourn more deeply than we would for others. For these reasons, many people often avoid telling their child they are dying, simply because they can't or won't believe it themselves. Children are not supposed to die and you will always want to cling to some kind of hope for a cure.

At a certain point, however, you have to become realistic and mature and focus instead on improving the quality of life for that child in its remaining days. Will forcing your child to endure another round of painful treatments do more to help him or her physically or you psychologically? It is hard to think about these things, but one must be courageous enough to make the best possible decision for the dying child. Children are perceptive enough that they will figure out what is going on fairly quickly, whether it is by a sudden change in everyone's attitude, or a drastic change in their medication. Skirting the issue, or lying to your child about dying will only prove to them how terrified you are of their impending deaths, and will in turn frighten, and deeply disturb them. In most cases it would simply be much kinder to tell your child they are dying than creating an aura of mystery and fear around the affair.

Although your child is fragile and must be handled gently, realize that remaining rational, present, reasonably calm, and above all forthright, is the best thing for them.

Step 1: Prepare yourself to tell your child they are dying

This is the most important step, and probably the most difficult. If you are the parent, I can guarantee you that it will be harder for you to tell your child they are dying than it will be for them to accept it.

You need to prepare yourself so that you can remain calm while talking to your child about their illness and death. If you become hysterical it will only hurt them, and will probably not make you feel any better. Remember that you are the major authority figure in their life, and they looking to you for stability. You must be a rock for them to lean on in hard times.

It may help you to plan out what you are going to say ahead of time. Try to anticipate any questions they may have and prepare answers. You may want to discuss the matter with your child's other caregivers: they may have valuable suggestions based on your child's personality.

Step 2: Decide whether you are going to wait for your child to ask about their deaths, or to initiate the conversation yourself

Many children will simply ask you if they are going to die. If you sense that your child wants to talk about the issue, but is frightened to upset you, perhaps you should consider breaching the subject yourself. In any case, the decision you make in this matter must be made while carefully considering your child's personality and current emotional state. Remember that in all likelihood, understanding exactly what is going on will be much less frightening than wondering about the nameless fear he can read in your face.

Step 3: Tell your child they are dying

When you do finally tell them, try not to make it sound like a rehearsed speech (even if it is). You need to keep the tone conversational and make sure that they feel that they are being listened to.

When the conversation begins, begin by telling them that you want them to know exactly what's going on because they have a right to know and because you don't want them to be afraid. Be straightforward, and simply tell them that the prognosis is that they will probably die. If you spend too much time working up to this statement, it will only frighten them more.

If your child becomes upset at this point, then you should stop, and comfort and reassure them. Tell them that they shouldn't be afraid of dying, but that it's okay if they are.

Step 4: Explain Death

Explain both the biological and spiritual aspects of dying. You may do this in whichever order you feel appropriate

Step 4a: Explain the biological side of death

Explain to your child the biological processes of death. Describe that the heart will stop beating and brain function will cease. Tailor the detail of this explanation to your child's age and comprehension level. Try not to be gruesome.

Step 4b: Explain the Spiritual significance of death

If your religious beliefs provide for an afterlife, teach these to your child. It will make dying seem easier if they have something to look forward to beyond oblivion (heaven, hell, reincarnation, etc).

If you have no specific religious beliefs, consider telling your child about heaven anyway. It will make your child feel much better about dying if they don't feel that they are facing the unknown. Almost any explanation of what happens after you die will make them feel better.

If you truly don't feel comfortable telling your child things you don't necessarily believe yourself, tell them that you don't know, but try to remain upbeat.

Step 5: Explain why you are sad that they are dying

By this point in your conversation, your sadness will probably be evident to your child, even if you've done your best to hide it. Explain that you're sad not because they are dying, but because you won't get to be with them anymore.

Step 6: Comfort your child

If they're receptive to it, give them a hug or whatever you normally do to comfort them. Answer any questions they have about dying, honestly. At this point you should take the cue from your child. Their lives have been changed by the conversation so you don't necessarily know what they're going to feel.

If they wish to end the conversation and go do something else, let them. They may need time to process the information and you should allow them that.

Remember, you may be surprised. Young children often deal with death much better than adults do, especially if they haven't learnt all the fear and negative stigma that our society attaches to death and dying. In many ways, the younger a child is when you tell them that they are dying, the easier it will be for them to learn about their impending deaths.

Keep in mind that it is your attitude, and the attitude of your child's care givers when telling them that they are dying that will have the greatest effect on how your child will feel about dying.

But most of all, remember that all the rage, guilt, or sadness you might feel about your child's illness, although justified and normal, is not going to help them. You must accept the sad truth and continue to live. Your greatest duty now is to ensure child enjoys his or her last moments to the greatest possible extent.