How to Tell If You Have Been Attacked by Bigfoot

Imagine hiking through the woods, enjoying a peaceful afternoon alone in nature. The tranquility envelops you. Maybe a little too much as you realize everything is perfectly still. No wind. No animals. Not even any birds. You are stricken with a sudden uncanny feeling and, as you turn to glance over your shoulder, intense pain bursts from your neck and upper back. You stagger, dazed and disoriented just before collapsing to the dirt and blacking out.

What just happened?

Well, odds are you just underwent a bigfoot attack. Once you come to, there are several clues you can look for to delineate wether or not this is the case.

First, check the ground. Do you see large ape-like footprints? And by large I mean at least twice as long and twice as wide as your own feet. If you answered "yes" to this question, it is 86% likely you were ambushed by a sasquatch.

Next, look for destroyed foliage in your immediate vicinity. Sasquatch are known for "drive-bys" on wilderness hikers in which they quietly stalk one until the moment the "clubbing" arrives whereupon the perpetrating bigfoot flees the scene at a dead sprint. If you see broken tree branches and smashed shrubs, the likelihood that you were just attacked by a bigfoot is now 89%.

Once you have thoroughly surveyed the scene, sniff the air. An authentic bigfoot will have left a foul stench in its wake. The reason for this is threefold. First, sasquatch sweat profusely, producing a human-like "oniony" B.O. which gets trapped in the follicles of its hairy body.

Second, sasquatch have horrible breath on account of their taste for raw fish, ground squirrels, garbage can contents and cabbage. These highly gaseous foods, combined with an alarming prevalence of gingivitis, produce some of the most noxious oral emissions on the planet.

The third cause of the stench is dingleberries.

If footprints and destroyed foliage are accompanied by a lingering stench, then the probability that you were just attacked by a bigfoot is now 93%.

Next, check the damaged foliage for tufts of fur. If you find course, reddish-brown or dark brown tufts clinging to any branches, this is likely hair from either the hips, legs or arms of a sasquatch. If you find wispy strands of reddish or light brown hair, this is likely from the stomach, shoulders or back of a sasquatch. Black, curly hairs will likely have come from the face, the knuckles or the balls of a sasquatch. If any combination of these turn up in the damaged foliage, the likelihood that you were just attacked by a bigfoot is 95%.

Now listen to your surroundings. Try to keep your breathing at bay as it can obscure the sounds you are trying to detect. In the distance, very faintly at first, you will hear some high-pitched chirps followed by low, almost imperceptible barks. This is the bigfoot "bragging" to his cohorts about his most recent "drive by". Sort of locker-room banter, if you will. You should not be alarmed by these sounds, as the bigfoot is now probably a mile and a half to two miles away. But these sounds, in combination with the other indicators, put the probability that you were just attacked by a bigfoot at 99%.

You should now leave the woods immediately.

But if you do insist upon a woodland stroll there are a few measures you can take to prevent a sasquoidal ambush.

First, hike in groups, never alone. While this won't rule out an attack completely, sasquatch prefer solitary targets so they can pull off a "clean hit". The problem with more than one hiker is that it's hard enough to black a lone target out with one hit, but to do two or more at once is considered a remarkable feat. Kind of like a double play in baseball. So, unless a bigfoot is extremely comfortable with his knock out skills, he or she will likely pass on a group. But not always, so stay vigilant.

Another precautionary method is to wear a Halloween mask on the back of your head. This tactic is taken from the jungle dwellers of Southeast Asia who wear masks on the back of their heads to prevent tiger attacks. Tigers will not attack prey if they think they might be spotted, so putting an extra pair of "eyes" on the back of ones head has proven effective. The thing is sasquatch are smarter than tigers, so this trick only works on the stupidest one-third of the species. But the goal here is to reduce the odds of a bigfoot attack and cutting your risk by 33% is well worth it. In the case of sasquatch, some of the better Halloween masks to use include "Harry Potter", "Strawberry Shortcake" and "Darth Maul".

Also, scent is an important thing to consider. The most beautiful fragrance in bigfoot society is "Aqua Velva". Splash this aftershave over your entire body and it will go a long way toward warding off a bigfoot attack as sasquatch avoid hurting what they believe to be beautiful. Conversely, any Hugo Boss or Guy Laroche fragrance will result in more vicious attacks. So when utilizing any aromatic preventative, use extreme caution. Do not mix fragrances and you should always get your pH balance checked before you go on a hike.

Lastly, it is helpful to know when a bigfoot attack is imminent. When the woods become too tranquil as I noted in the opening paragraph, this means the woodland creatures have largely abandoned the immediate vicinity. If you are suddenly caught in a stampede of deer, squirrels, bears, etc., there is a good bet that a sasquatch is approaching from behind. You may also catch the distinctive musky stench if you are down-wind. If this happens, it is useless trying to run away. Sasquatch can hit 40 miles per hour in a dead sprint and can last up to twenty miles before pooping out. You can not outclimb a bigfoot, so don't even think of shimmying up a tree, nor can you hide behind rocks or in caves. An average bigfoot can hone in on your scent from two miles away. So forget it.

Your only option when a sasquoidal ambush is looming is to put out your arms and twirl. And sing. Any song will do, but Broadway show tunes are a particularly good bet. No hiker has ever been attacked by a bigfoot while twirling and singing. So employ this method until you feel the danger has abided.

Use these helpful hints. Hike smart and in pairs. And don't let bigfoot ruin your enjoyment of nature.